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Gatchaman Fiction Archive :: Transmute!
Reviews For Occupational Hazards
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Reviewer: Cricket Signed [Report This]
Date: 06/05/2007 11:17 AM Title: Occupational Hazards -- Gatchaman Version

Congrats to Julieann! When this went out in Bird Scramble, "Who was it?" was the most common question. So either I got it right before posting here, or we're on the same wavelength.

So far, Gatch is ahead in the preferences, so it's nice to see a vote for BOTP. I think folks prefer BOTP kept lighter.

As for "He's taking it the worst," definitely a successful experiment; I know it didn't work. I was trying for:

a) Comparing degree is useless. They're each taking it badly, but each in a different way.

b) He's still not fully conscious. He can focus on one at a time, but not on them all at once.

As for M/P, I see this moment as a step after what is shown in canon. He's no longer waffling over whether it will work or if he should try, he's decided, and now wants to put that decision into action. But, yeah, I do prefer them together. Comes of writing Gatch first.

Thanks for the comments!

Sandy

Reviewer: Julieann Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: 06/04/2007 12:36 PM Title: Occupational Hazards -- BOTP Version

I think I like the BotP version best, but that's just me. :)

I have only 2 nits.

One that you have several version of "He's taking the worst". They can't all be taking it the worst, or the hardest, or such. Maybe being more specific on how in an individual way? But then, you do that as the paragraphs progress.

The second is Mark. He's not unaffected by Princess, so I'm not sure he would be talking to Tiny quite that way, wondering how to 'get out of it'. I can see "how could this ever work?" or the conflict with him being in command over her, that kind of thing. Mark strikes me as being a worrier about things he takes so personally. The relationship between these two is one of the big differences between BotP and Gatchaman.

But that's just me. :)

I like how you used Tiny for this, he's a badly unused character, so it was nice to see all this from his perspective. You also didn't make it really obvious who it was that was speaking, so it was fun to figure it out as I was reading.

Kinda sad at the end, Tiny knowing he's changed, too. Not knowing if he would ever wake up, and knowing if he did, everything for him has changed.

Good job. :)

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