I spent all day thinking about how to tell you my inner most thoughts and feelings. Still it sits there waiting to be said.

Right now, I’m looking out the window- a few pigeons flying past wondering what you’re doing now and hoping that it involves thinking about me.

Silly really, isn’t it since we have never shown anything towards each other that would truly indicate anything beyond friends.

Despite Jinpei’s continual teasing…

The thing is I think he sees through me all the time when I look at you. He wants us to be secretly in love with each other… but after today, I’m not so sure any more it will ever happen. Depressing isn’t the word I’m looking for, but it fits.

Today you ran off after someone else, and in a glimpse of the look in your eyes it was more than just a rescue mission to you.

She meant something more, I know you better than you think. I worked hard to try and hide my reaction from you when you returned a few hours later on the train.

What nerve you had to call and ask me to pick you up from the train station so you could talk to someone about it.

Why me? Why not confide in Joe about how she made you go all Jell-O inside and your heart race faster and how beautiful she is. But your duty prevented you from asking her out on a date and pursuing a romance with her.

Are you that clueless? I almost broke a pencil writing because of how it makes me feel.

Yes right now my sadness has been replaced by anger…and frustration… Don’t you see what I’m trying to tell you with my eyes, you’re so thick!

 The occasional passing touch is completely lost on you.

 My heart is breaking and it all because you met her. You hardly know anything about her how can she have this effect on you? I bet she can’t hold her own in a fight, you had to ‘defend her.’ Is that the attraction? A helpless female waiting for a hero.

I’m crying again, the sadness in heart has returned even worse than before. You know I’m an emotional mess and it’s all your fault.

Damn you…Ken…. You’re not so blind to women after all.

I’m wondering if you saw through my fake reassuring smile, the swelling tears in my eyes that I blinked away, just so you wouldn’t see through my facade of trying to comfort you while controlling my own breaking heart. How could you hold me in your arms later when I dropped you off at your Shack when thinking about her, being with her, secretly wanting me to be her…

You bastard. There I said it… it feels good too.

 Even while I’m writing this letter to my hands are trembling, it all threatens to undo me over your betrayal. That’s right…Your betrayal.

I’m the one who’s supposed to make your heart race faster and your insides go to Jell-O…I’d prayed one day you would confess to me how much you love me. Today I feel my dream of life with you has been shattered into tiny pieces. By a girl you barely know…  

At times the others call you clueless when it comes to women…especially when it comes to me… but maybe that’s not true. I’m the clueless one really to have ever thought you would notice me.

The birds are gone from view now, the bright golden sun outside is a contrast to my current dark mood. There are tears lingering in my eyes refusing to go away.

Will I ever be able to forget you… working with you everyday. I hope so, and I’m going to try.

I’ll always love you. I suppose that’s what I wanted to say from the beginning despite the anger and humiliation, I felt today from the way you acted over Rumi.

Some things can’t be explained they just are. Why does a girl like me fall in love with a man who’s not interested in anything more than friendship and holds onto it so tightly…? Is there anyone out there who can explain it to me, because I can’t see the logic in it at all.

Closing my eyes, I see your face before me, longing for one hint of anything that speaks of love, at one time I’d take any scrap you’d throw in my direction. What kinda desperate fool am I?

 I’m rambling on now trying to make sense of it. Once I’m finished this entry I’ll burn it, well tomorrow anyway. The quick bright spark of the flames hungrily eating the paper and turning it into a pile of white ash in seconds will make feel better- I hope… I should make a few copies, that way I have bonfire. I’ll invite you along… no, that wouldn’t be a good idea on second thoughts.

I’m stronger than I look in mind body and spirit, and I’ll come to terms with this one day.

Love from Jun.

I was smitten today by a beautiful girl, hit me like an explosion.

So, this journal entry is for you….Rumi.  I know you’ll never see it. But it’s just for me to be able to talk to you, you have to understand. What I do isn’t a normal job or a career, it’s my life…It’s my best kept secret, and it has to stay that way. The planet depends on it.

I’ve spent the past few hours trying to suppress the rush of emotions, I had when I held you close when we escaped from your captives.

Words don’t come easily to me, and usually when it comes to things like this I just walk away-like I did when I had the chance outside of the train station when you ran to your fathers waiting arms. The problem is I’m having a hard time doing it right now. I just want to jump on my motor bike and find you and tell what an effect you had on me. Go on a date like normal eighteen year old males do.

When you dropped that flower, like it was your invitation for me to confess, you wanted to find Gatchaman again. I picked it up afterwards and kept it. It’s drying between the pages of a book so I can preserve the memory of our brief moment together forever.

Did you try to see me when we departed from the train later that afternoon? It’s a fantasy, you had thought I was long gone.

I know you looked over and saw me walk over to Jun, but you didn’t know it was me Gatchaman. I saw you staring at her and then your crest fallen eyes tore away and you vanished into the crowd. I was another young guy, greeting a girl to you, a normal episode that happens in daily life- Nothing special.

Rumi, did you know that’s one of the reasons I called her to pick me up. So even if you suspected the sight of a girl greeting me would have given you doubts.

You’d have thought her to be my girlfriend…

While I’m thinking about Jun, I found her behaviour a bit out of character on the way back to my shack.

Riding on the back of her bike, she ignored me completely. When we arrived at the shack, I invited her in for a coffee. She accepted, and I started talking about you. I wanted to tell a friend, and she’s been one of my closest for a long time. Usually we can talk about anything. I explained how you made me feel.

 After a while, she told me she had to go, talked about Jinpei being on his own at the Snack J. Since when did she worry about it in the past? I asked if she wanted to do a mail run with me, usually she comes when I ask. This time she couldn’t leave fast enough.

I mean I know her brother Jinpei teases her about having a crush on me. But that’s all it is-Teasing. Jun doesn’t see me as more than a friend, and I don’t have time for any relationships in the work we do.

Huge big heaving sigh…

Here I am trying to talk to you and all I can do is try and work out what’s going on with Jun. I suppose I should try and talk to her again, but what if she pretends there’s nothing wrong?

 Women! I don’t understand what makes them tick.

It’s not like I’ve had time to find out over the past eighteen years. I’ve never been out on a date and the only girl I know is Jun, and up until now she’s always been so young to me.

Since she turned seventeen she’s looking less like a girl, and more like a woman, cuter with curves... Hey wait a second, did I just say that about Jun? No way- all of this screwing with my mind.

I can’t look at Jun that way. I won’t, or I can’t.

Three days later… New entry.

I have a confession Rumi, I went to your High school a few days later, blended in with crowd. So, you have a boyfriend, he’s a footballer. You were talking about meeting ‘Gatchaman,’ with your friends. It was a fantasy after all. Watching you, I felt my heart race, and then hearing you saying some unkind things about the Swan tarnished my image of you.

I didn’t know you could be snobby, it’s not attractive, in the at moment I understood it was simply a physical attraction. I didn’t know you.

Let me tell you about the Swan, she’s smart Rumi, and someone I can trust. That’s right Gatchaman trusts her with his life in battle. How dare you call her cheap because of her birdstyle. Do you know when she transmutes it’s a full armour like ours. The dress is part of a bodysuit. She doesn’t ‘flash her panties.’ Because she’s desperate for attention from me and Joe.

She’s to be respected. We respect her- I’d die for her.

Did you know we once promised to die together? It hurt to hear her put down after all she’s done for the planet. I walked away from you. Gatchaman wasn’t impressed.

After listening to you reveal your true colours all the attraction for you vanished. You so sweet when I rescued you… Shows how much I know. Tonight, I think I’ll drop in and see Jun. Have a few drinks with her and pay off my tab. Its time I started respecting her more. I have at least that to thank you for. You opened my eyes.  

Goodbye Rumi…

I have to go journal, birdscramble…