I spent all day thinking about how to tell you my inner most thoughts and feelings. Still it sits there waiting to be said.
Right now, I’m looking out the window- a few pigeons flying past wondering what you’re doing now and hoping that it involves thinking about me.
Silly really, isn’t it since we have never shown anything towards each other that would truly indicate anything beyond friends.
Despite Jinpei’s continual teasing…
The thing is I think he sees through me all the time when I look at you. He wants us to be secretly in love with each other… but after today, I’m not so sure any more it will ever happen. Depressing isn’t the word I’m looking for, but it fits.
Today you ran off after someone else, and in a glimpse of the look in your eyes it was more than just a rescue mission to you.
She meant something more, I know you better than you think. I worked hard to try and hide my reaction from you when you returned a few hours later on the train.
What nerve you had to call and ask me to pick you up from the train station so you could talk to someone about it.
Why me? Why not confide in Joe about how she made you go all Jell-O inside and your heart race faster and how beautiful she is. But your duty prevented you from asking her out on a date and pursuing a romance with her.
Are you that clueless? I almost broke a pencil writing because of how it makes me feel.
Yes right now my sadness has been replaced by anger…and frustration… Don’t you see what I’m trying to tell you with my eyes, you’re so thick!
The occasional passing touch is completely lost on you.
My heart is breaking and it all because you met her. You hardly know anything about her how can she have this effect on you? I bet she can’t hold her own in a fight, you had to ‘defend her.’ Is that the attraction? A helpless female waiting for a hero.
I’m crying again, the sadness in heart has returned even worse than before. You know I’m an emotional mess and it’s all your fault.
Damn you…Ken…. You’re not so blind to women after all.
I’m wondering if you saw through my fake reassuring smile, the swelling tears in my eyes that I blinked away, just so you wouldn’t see through my facade of trying to comfort you while controlling my own breaking heart. How could you hold me in your arms later when I dropped you off at your Shack when thinking about her, being with her, secretly wanting me to be her…
You bastard. There I said it… it feels good too.
Even while I’m writing this letter to my hands are trembling, it all threatens to undo me over your betrayal. That’s right…Your betrayal.
I’m the one who’s supposed to make your heart race faster and your insides go to Jell-O…I’d prayed one day you would confess to me how much you love me. Today I feel my dream of life with you has been shattered into tiny pieces. By a girl you barely know…
At times the others call you clueless when it comes to women…especially when it comes to me… but maybe that’s not true. I’m the clueless one really to have ever thought you would notice me.
The birds are gone from view now, the bright golden sun outside is a contrast to my current dark mood. There are tears lingering in my eyes refusing to go away.
Will I ever be able to forget you… working with you everyday. I hope so, and I’m going to try.
I’ll always love you. I suppose that’s what I wanted to say from the beginning despite the anger and humiliation, I felt today from the way you acted over Rumi.
Some things can’t be explained they just are. Why does a girl like me fall in love with a man who’s not interested in anything more than friendship and holds onto it so tightly…? Is there anyone out there who can explain it to me, because I can’t see the logic in it at all.
Closing my eyes, I see your face before me, longing for one hint of anything that speaks of love, at one time I’d take any scrap you’d throw in my direction. What kinda desperate fool am I?
I’m rambling on now trying to make sense of it. Once I’m finished this entry I’ll burn it, well tomorrow anyway. The quick bright spark of the flames hungrily eating the paper and turning it into a pile of white ash in seconds will make feel better- I hope… I should make a few copies, that way I have bonfire. I’ll invite you along… no, that wouldn’t be a good idea on second thoughts.
I’m stronger than I look in mind body and spirit, and I’ll come to terms with this one day.
Love from Jun.