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Parody of Posts - II by Pintail
Parody of Posts - II by Pintail
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Here we go again

Here we go again...

For those of you who missed part I on the GML, here is a little explanation:

List strife inspires me - what can I say? And in an effort to diffuse some prevailing tension, the muse in my head spews out what can only be considered a hodge-podge of craziness. My intention is to poke fun at nobody and everybody - including myself. So don’t take anything personally - no offense is meant.

Enjoy the ride!

Oh yes - Nose cola warning.

_____________________________________________________________________

Back at the base...

Nambu: Good. I’m glad you’re all here team. I’ve got something important to tell you.

The Science Ninja Team Gatchaman is gathered before him, all standing resolutely except for one.

Nambu: Joe - what are you doing.

Joe: (huff, huff huff) Jumping (huff huff) jacks.

Nambu: Yes. Well, stop it. I’ve got bad news team.

Ken: Hakase! What is it?

[Joe continues to jump]

Nambu: I’ve been ordered by President Anderson to confiscate all of your weapons. Effective immediately, you will no longer use weapons in hand to hand combat.

The team: WHAT?

Ken: Hakase, WHY?

Nambu: Several powerful watchdog agencies have decreed that your weapons are too violent, and might be having a negative influence on society’s children.

[Four green men wearing multi-coloured headbands appear in the doorway. They appear to be wearing shells, and only have three fingers.]

Michelangelo: Tough luck dudes. Been there.

[The green men disappear.]

Jinpei: But Hakase, what will we fight with?

[Joe continues to jump]

Nambu: You have new weapons that have been approved by DMTMTOTH on board the Phoenix.

Jun: DMTMTOTH?

Nambu: The Dictatorship of Mothers with Too Much Time On Their Hands.

Jinpei: That sounds like a song by Styx!

Nambu: KEN! WHY is Joe jumping?

Ken: He’s trying to break a sweat.

Nambu: *sigh* Another thing. You must not swear.

[Joe stops jumping]

Nambu: No swears. None.

Joe: K’{BLEEP}o!

Jinpei: Hakase! What was that!

Nambu: Your wrist activators have been altered to prevent any swears from being audible.

[a non-descript man, wearing non-descript clothing runs into the room and says in a non-descript voice...]

Non-descript man: A mecha is attacking the city!

[a screen behind Nambu flickers to life. A squat-man shaped mecha with an ugly face fills the view.]

Jinpei: It’s a TROLL!

Ken slaps Jun.

Joe slaps Ken.

Nambu slaps both Ken and Joe in the back of the head.

Jun: What was that for?!

Ken: You looked like you might be hysterical. Let’s go team!

Team: STAN!

Nambu: Stan?

Jinpei: We got tired of saying ‘ROGER!’

____________________________________________

Back on the ship...

Ken: What’s the status on the troll-mecha?

Ryu: Look at the civilians! Their bursting into flames!

Jun: The troll is making innocent people burst into flames - that’s hideous!

[the view screen is suddenly filled with the face of the troll-mecha commander]

Jun: Joki!

Jinpei: You know this jerk, Onechan?

Jun: Joki is an old boyfriend of mine - we used to ride bicycles together when we were six! He went on to race airplanes. He is impulsive, but a fearless leader.

Joki: Surrender Gatchaman! You cannot defeat the troll-mecha!

Jun: Joki! Don’t do this!

Ken slaps Jun.

Jun: KEN! Now what?

Ken: You looked like you might be hysterical! Come on team, let’s get aboard that mecha!

Jinpei: Why?

Ken: ‘Cause that’s what we always do!

Team: STAN!

______________________________

Back on the mecha...

Goon: Captain Joki! Gatchaman has boarded the ship! We must evacuate!

[a voice from nowhere hums hauntingly...]

Voice: I am the terror that flaps in the night!

Joe: * Ken! What are you doing? *

Voice: I am the vacuum leak that shuts down your electron microscope!

Joe: * Ken! *

Ken: I am GATCHAMAN!

[the team descends to the floor]

Joki: Gatchaman! Men - get them!

Ken: Use your new weapons!

Ken throws his nerf boomerang!

Joe fires his suction-cup dart-gun!

Jun throws her sticky-shower-flowers!

Jinpei fires of a maelstrom of leggo!

[stunned silence]

Goons: BWA-HA HA HA!

Joe: Stupid, f{BLEEP}g p{BLEEP}s-a{BLEEP}s new non-f{BLEEP}g violent weapons aren’t worth a f{BLEEP}g load of monkey s{BLEEP}t! I’m gonna BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! those BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP organisations!

The team is in total despair and is easily captured.

Joki: Call Katse-sama at once! He will want to be hear for the interrogation!

_________________________

Back at the prison cell...

Each member of the teams has been chained to the wall by his or her arms.

Katse: A-HA! You are my prisoners, Gatchaman!

Ken: What are you going to do?!

Katse: Do? Why, you are my honoured guests!

Goons: and a 1, and a 2, and a 3...

[Goons begin to can-can]

Katse (singing):

Be my guests! Be my guests!

Put my shackles to the test!

Tie a noose 'round your neck,

And we provide the rest.

Ken: STOP!!

Katse (twirling):

Steel cold spikes,

Real sharp pikes,

Why, you’ll only live one night!

Joe: NOOO!!

Katse (kicking):

Yes, you’ll cry real soon.

Don't believe me?

Ask my goons!

Be my guests!!

Ken: What the f{BLEEP}k was that?

Katse: Some righteous, militant, preserve-the-song society said that Galactor isn’t musical enough.

Jinpei: Will the torture never end?

Katse: Come, men! We’ve got harmony practice.

[hundreds of small, blue men march onto the scene]

Smurfs: Tra-la la la-la, la la-la la-laaaa....

Katse: Sosai!

Joe: Who sigh?

Jun: You say?

Ken: I say!

Katse (standing on a chair): What the devil are those!?

Papasmurf: We’re hear to smurf a summons! You are smurfed with copyright infringement.

Katse: What?

Papasmurf: The name ‘Jokey’ is copyrighted.

Joki: It’s ‘JOKI’

Papasmurf: I am NOT joking! And I don’t even want to mention your uncanny resemblance to a certain purple dinosaur!

Katse: Moi? Men! Squash these irrelevant blue pests!

Goons (stomping): 1, 2, 3...

I’ll squash two,

You squash three!

We’re a squashing companeee!

Papasmurf: That’s it! Now you are showing complete disrespect for vertically-challenged, alternatively-pigmented and sexually-inhibited peoples! We WILL smurf you!

Katse: I am but a Galactor. If you hit me, do I not wince? If you chase me, do I not run?

[in the scramble, one goon steps on a square panel marked with a large red ‘X’. Lights begin to flash.]

Katse: You fool! You’ve activated the ultra-secret-but-in-a-really-stupid-place self-destruct button!

Papasmurf: Let’s get the smurf outta here!

[everyone exists, except for the Science Ninja Team Gatchaman, who are still chained to the wall.]

Joe: S{BLEEP!}t.

[A large, well-endowed, scantily-dressed, black haired beauty steps into view]

Ken, Joe & Jinpei: Wow!

Xena: I am Xena! Princess warrior! I am here to free you!

[Xena throws her circular boomerang, freeing the team of their bonds]

Ken: How come SHE gets a sharp weapon?

Jun: Who are you?

Xena: I am Jinpei’s mother. Now let’s get out of here!

Jinpei: My mother? Darn. There go my chances.

________________________

Back on the ground in front of the troll mecha.

Jun: It didn’t explode! It’s still coming after us!

Ken slaps Jun.

Joe slaps Jun.

Jun: I’m REALLY getting sick of that!

Jinpei: Katse can’t even self-destruct properly!

Ryu: Hi guys. What’s happening?

Jun: Don’t look at the troll! You’ll burst into flames!

Xena: There’s only one chance! Everyone turn around! Turn your backs on it!

[They all turn around. At the sight of their backs, the troll-mecha begins to writhe and convulse. It stomps on the ground trying to get their attention. It sputters, and spews, spits obscenities. Then, it collapses. Just before the explosion, a banana-shaped ship rockets out of the troll’s ear.]

All: We did it! Hooray!

Ken: But Katse still got away!

Joe: There will be another day.

Jun: Joki’s alright, I pray.

Ken and Joe slap Jun.

Jun: That’s it.

[Jun jumps in the air, pulling a split kick that finds each foot squarely in the groin of each slapper.]

Joe: BLEEP!

Ken: BLEEP!

Xena: Very nice. So big fella, is there any good place to eat around here?

Ryu: Me? Definitely. We could eat all night!

Jun: S’cuse me. Ryu is mine.

Ryu: Ladies, ladies. There is enough of me for both of you.

And, as Ryu walks of with a woman on each arm, Ken and Joe can only watch from their crouched positions on the ground. The sun begins to set.

__________________

Back on the escape ship...

Katse: Who designs these ships?! I want him dead!

Joki: Don’t worry Katse-sama. You’re new escape ship will be much better! It looks like a neon-orange coloured flying happy-meal!

Katse: BLEEP’ing BLEEP imbeciles! No wonder we never BLEEP the BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEPs!

_______________________

This episode was brought to you by the letter ‘I’.

_______________________

Take a lesson from the team, gang. The troll only wants you to get mad at each other. He wants people to leave the list because there are too many messages, too much strife, too much swearing. Remember that we all mean well, but we all express our feelings in different ways. Turn a blind eye (or ear) to the discrepancies, and we’ll all be a happier bunch.

With hugs to all of you,

Pintail.

 

 

 

 

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