Must ... resist ... shouldn't ... can't ... stop ...
Parody of Topics on the ML - Chapter III
[Our heroes are gathered around Hakase Nambu's desk as he clicks on a viewscreen. Standing beside him is a tall thin man with curly brown hair and a multi-coloured scarf]
Nambu : The situation is very dire.
Ken : Dear?
Nambu : Dire.
Ryu : Deer?
Nambu : Dire.
All : Oh.
Nambu : The country of Feidbak has been at peace for centuries. For no apparent reason, war suddenly broke out two days ago. Attempts to contact either side have failed. Thanks to the doctor here, we at least have some footage of the scene.
Ken : Doctor who?
Dr. Who : Yes.
Ken : Ah. Our thanks Dr. Yes.
Dr. Who : Not yes, Who.
Ken : Who what?
Dr. Who : Who me.
Ken : You Yes.
Dr. Who [grumbling] : Why does this happen every bloody time?
Nambu : Let’s just watch the tape.
[On the viewscreen is a chaotic scene. Hundreds of bakers and jugglers are hurling various objects at each other, shouting obscenities. Croissants and bean bags are seen flying back and forth. A rolling pin and a flaming bowling pin strike each other mid air. Nambu freezes the scene for effect]
Ryu : How awful! Those poor pastries!
Ken : There dissolving they're peace treaty over their?
[Nambu blinks at Ken]
Joe : Hakase! What do you want us to do!
Nambu : Get over their - uh - there, and find out what has caused this. Katse must be involved!
Team : Roger!
Jinpei [singing] : ... Ramjet, he's our man! Hero of our nation...
Jun : Jinpei! Stop that.
[The team gathers on a hilltop overlooking the capitol of Feidbak to discuss their plan of action. Ken looks around and discovers Jun is not with them]
Ken : We're is Jun? Were supposed to meet wear I had said whering our birdstyles!
[Buffy the Vampire Slayer appears whering - uh - wearing Jun's birdstyle. Unfortunately, it is not quite a good fit]
Buffy : I'm Buffy! I’m here as the Swan’s replacement! She's taking a break - apparently she has a fear of jugglers.
Ken [eyeing Buffy] : That outfit is about to sizes two small for you. You ought too change.
Joe [drooling] : I think she's fine.
Buffy : Nambu sent me to help you. I can drop kick a zombie at 10 feet, blond is my natural colour, and I used to work for Galactor!
Joe : I think I'm in love.
[Jinpei & Ryu exchange looks]
Ryu : It was nice knowing you Ms. Buffy.
[A cream pie flying around mach 2 impacts squishily with the side of Ken’s helmet. Joe is bent over laughing]
Ken : You would think this is funny.
Joe : It’s funny because the thrower wanted it to be funny.
Ryu : No, it’s funny because he enjoyed throwing it.
Buffy : Wrong again. It’s funny because of the reaction he got.
[A second pie screams in to the scene. Ken cartwheels to the side as the pie sails directly between his legs. Continuing on its path, the cream pie hits a bull’s eye directly in Joe’s groin]
[The plate and some crust succumb to gravity, leaving a white sticky circle]
Jinpei [singing] : What would you doo-OOO for a Klondike bar?
Joe [snarling] : Now it’s personal.
[Without warning, a flaming torch also lands in their general vicinity. This is followed by ear curdling screams and various creative Italian swears]
Ken : Who knew that cool whip was flammable?
Buffy : It is an edible oil product. The question is, did the thrower want to be funnier?
Ryu : What a waste of a perfectly good cream pie.
[It is sunset now and the bakers and jugglers have abandoned the streets. Our heroes have entered the city and survey the damage. Standing alone in a cobbled street is a short man with a white curly beard and a huge black top hat. A black cat with a perm sleeps on top of his hat]
Ken : Who is that guy?
Buffy : I think he’s a vampire. Can I slay him?
[A young boy in an engineer’s hat walks up to the short man]
Boy : Let’s get out of here Mr. Passenger, we’ve got a train to catch.
[The black cat yawns]
Joe : Where is everybody else?
Ryu [pointing] : That would be my first guess.
[A giant spire of a building sits in the middle of town. The spire impales a giant cream pie that is rotating slowly]
Ken : It’s the See En tower!
Buffy : Actually, it’s the Umpire Steak’s Building.
[Stealthily, our heroes enter the building. A wall suddenly lifts out of place revealing Katse, a large purple cannon and a gaggle of goons]
Ryu : How many is a gaggle anyway?
Katse [considering] : 4,5,6 [counting] 7, 8, 9…
Jinpei [singing] : 10, 11, 12! And they all went down to the lady-bug picnic!
Ken : Oh now! Know I no what’s going on.
Joe : It’s the Canon Cannon! *
Katse : Wrong! This is the Fanon Cannon!
[Katse pulls the feather boa attached to the Fanon Cannon and a large explosion follows. Buffy is enveloped in a neon purple goo causing her to transform into various fandom creations (including Sailor-Buffy and PowerBuff Girl until she spontaneously combusts]
Ryu : I knew that was going to happen.
Jinpei : J – E – L – L – O!
Joe : That’s it Katse! You’re toast!
Katse [sniffing] : I knew I smelled something burning. What happened to your pants?
Jun [dropping in from the ceiling] : Apparently my replacement was gooed?
Ken : I heard you were afraid of jugglers?
Jun : Of course. I’m a Buddhist.
Katse : Let’s not go THERE again.
Snarf : SNARF!
Katse : Oh no! Not THEM again!
Goon1 : No sire, he said ‘snarf’ not ‘smurf’.
Katse : Ah good.
[Katse takes out his pistol and snuffs snarf]
Katse : I’m still paying out over that ‘Joki’ mess. *
[Ken seizes the day and stretching out like a panther, tosses his bird-rang in a savage arc. The bird-rang hums it sails several feet above Katse and impales itself into the wall]
Ken : That wasn’t very good, was it?
Joe : Well that was a rather sloppy throw.
Katse [to Ken] : Are you going to stand for that insult?
Ken : Did you just insult me?
Joe : Of course not. That was constructive criticism.
Katse [to Joe] : No, I think that he’s right. You went a little too far there.
Jun : Uh, guys?
Joe : You’re a flaming idiot. THAT is an insult.
Ken : Know you’ve hurt my feelings. YOU’RE the one who’s flaming. I’m never going to throw my boomerang again.
Katse : See. Now that was totally uncalled for.
Jun : Guys!
Joe : For crying out loud. You ASKED how your throw was!
Katse : I thought it was a rhetorical question.
Ken : Constructive criticism is when you say ‘you could do better by…’
[Jun lets fly with her YoYo in a perfect pirouette, neatly knocking each man’s knackers]
Jinpei [singing] : Sometimes you feel like a nut…
Katse [voice highly pitched] : You will pay for that!
[Katse rips on the feather boa. It is yanked completely out of the Fanon Cannon. The device begins to shake violently as energy builds up for one final explosion]
Jun : We’re doomed! The energy of a thousand fanfics is about to be released on us!
Joe [shuddering] : Do you have any idea what that Fanon Cannon is going to do to me?
Ryu : There is only one thing to do!
[Ryu boldly struts up to the Fanon Canon, spins, then plunks his butt directly in the opening. With a finger in each ear, the Canon goes off behind him and is instantly destroyed. When the smoke clears, Ryu stands tall – completely untouched]
Ken : Ryu! You are alright!
Katse : But how?
Ryu [shrugs] : Nobody ever writes fic about me, so I was immune.
Katse : Curses!
Ken : Coarses?
Kaste : Foo on you all!
[Katse steps on step backward into a large hole in the floor and disappears from site. Emerging from the hole is a giant juggler]
Jun : EEEEEEeee!
JugglerMech : Good grammer teach you I will!
Yoda : My speak copying you are!
JugglerMech : Matters not in spoofing it does.
Yoda : Lawyer hear from you will.
[The Juggler mecha steps towards them, each footfall causing the ground to shake violently.]
Ken : Use all of your weapons!
[The team unleashes their entire arsenal to no avail]
Jun : Poo.
Ryu : Ca ca mouth.
Ken : Maybe we can destroy it with the sound of a Great Blue Whale?
Shatner : I wouldn’t do that pal.
Joe : What about the power of positive thought?
Patrick Stewart : Don’t go there either.
[Windows suddenly smash inward and the bright red jet of Red Impulse screams into the cavern. With a sad wave, Red Impulse slams his jet into the JugglerMecha destroying them both]
Ken : See, now I wouldn’t have done that.
[Back at Nambu’s office]
Ken : … And then the jugglers and the bakers shook hands and the rest is history.
Nambu : Who’s story? And what happened to your pants Joe?
Ken : He didn’t duck in time.
Joe : Is that an insult?
Ken : It’s a constructive criticism.
Jun : I hate jugglers.
* see Parody of ML I and II
For those of you not familiar with my mad ramblings – welcome! This happens every so often and I have no control over what my madness muse does. The moral of the story is to make sure you don’t take things too seriously. Or is that two seriously?