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Great Spectra Grapefruit Grab by Ennien, Kathleen Coventry
Great Spectra Grapefruit Grab by Ennien, Kathleen Coventry
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Great Spectra Grapefruit Grab
(Orange you glad this wasn't a real episode?) More madness brought to you by the team of Ennien Ashbrook and  Kathleen Coventry.  Supplements provided by Harlock

[The scene opens on a robot in a control room]

Zark:  Well its another quiet day, here at Center Neptune deep  beneath the sea.  But I must always be on the lookout for strange alien invaders.  That evil despot, Zoltar, is surely planning another dastardly attack against the Federation.  I must keep an eye on my monitors so that I can warn G-Force.  Right now, they're in training. They have to keep in tip-top shape at all times.  Humans have to, you know; they can't have a 200 mizgurp overhaul like robots can.  I'll  just call them up on my monitors and see how they're doing..

[Cut to a room that looks like a cross between a gym and a recreation facility.  A paintball splats Princess on the arm]

Princess: agh! my new jeans!

Jason: Told you, you shouldn't have worn them in the training area

Princess: since when is paintball part of training??

Jason: Improves my aim ;)

[Jason takes aim at Princess once more.  Princess puts up her wrists  in the classic Wonder Woman bullets-and-bracelets pose.  Mark  sneaks up behind Jason with a *very* evil grin, takes aim and fires  several paintballs into Jason's back.]

Jason: Hey, that's cheating!

[Tiny sneaks up behind Mark, who sees him and ducks.  The  paintball hits Jason instead.  Mark runs.  Jason hisses and tries firing  on Mark and hits Tiny instead]

Tiny : hey now I didn't do anything!

Mark: If you want to get Jason back, Princess; go change.  It'll be a  two on two fight

[Princess dashes out.  Tiny creams Jason wit a handfull of paint balls]

Jason: Where's Keyop?

Mark: At an appointment with his speech pathologist

Jason spins around and yells at Tiny: What'd ya do that for?

Tiny sticks his tongue out: cause you got me!

[Mark takes the initiative and fires his water gun at Jason and Tiny. Princess returns in sweats and carrying a couple of Nerf rockets.  The others grin.]

Tiny looks to Jason : shall we?

Jason: <grinning evilly> yeah...  CHARGE!!!

[Jason starts firing his water gun at Mark and Princess]

Tiny barrels at Mark : Trash the Eagle!!!

[Mark runs.  Princess lets fly with a barrage of Nerf missiles.  Tiny makes like he's hit and smashes into the ground, groaning and  hamming it up, giving Mark the opportunity to paintball him some  more.  Jason sneaks up and hoses Mark with his water gun.  Tiny  rolls over and grabs Mark by the ankles, sending him sprawling  towards Jason.  Mark claws the floor trying to kick his way free from  Tiny while Jason is trying to paintball Princess.]

Mark continues to struggle: Princess!! How about a hand?

[Tiny gives up on the squirming Mark and aims his paint gun at Pricesss, who reloads her Nerf Bazooka and lets fly a volley of Nerf rockets.]

Jason tackles Mark and pins him to the floor: HEY TINY!!!!  I got him I got him!

Mark struggles helplessly: AOOOOWWGEDDOFFFFAAAMEEEEEEEE!!!

Tiny bounds over.. and helps pin him : now waht?

Jason: Fire away ;)

[Tiny hits him with several pellets in the back of the head]

Mark: OOOWW!!  Not from so close a range, Tiny!!  Are you trying to  cause a concussion?

Tiny grins evily to Jason : oh..uh.. sorry Mark

Jason: I told you to fire, not kill him :)

Tiny rubs his head, "oh sorry"

Mark: Ow, that stings...

Princess : Tiny, sometimes you play too rough.

Jason: You ok Mark?

[Mark nods]

[They are interrupted by the chime of their communicators.]

Mark: This is Mark.  Go ahead, Zark.

Zark: Attention G-Force!  There is an enemy intruder coming through  the upper atmosphere!  Report to Chief Anderson at once!

Mark: You heard him, everybody.  Let's go!

Everybody: G-Force!

[The team scramble to showers and into their regulation clothes, then race for Chief Anderson's office.  A few minutes later, Keyop runs in, breathless.]

Mark: What are your orders, Chief?

Anderson: Spectra has struck again, this time over the Florida Peninsula.

Tiny: It's just a bunch of old people and tourists, there.  What's the problem?

Mark: Tiny.. enough.  How bad was the damage?

Anderson: ..and citrus groves, Tiny.  Florida depends on them and  now Zoltar has unleashed a weapon of destruction upon them.  There  was only a few weeks left until the harvest, and Spectra has struck  against them.

Tiny eeks: Not my OJ!

Jason: First he tries to steal our sugar, now he's stealing the citrus  fruit?

Anderson: The damage is terrible.  In one attack, Zoltar has wiped  out half of the Florida orange plantations, crippling the Floridian  economy.

Keyop: Blip blip orrt eep No breakfast for you, blip bop, Tiny

Tiny: no more grapefruit diet?? But how will I lose weight??

Keyop: bloop glorp.. Stop eating.

[Tiny glares at Keyop.]

Mark: What does he hope to accomplish?

Anderson: Strangely enough, that appears to be the logic behind this mad plan:  Millions of dollars in revenue are gained each year by Florida citrus growers.  Not only from orange juice and lemonade  sales, but from diet plans such as Tiny's.

Mark: Isn't there a way to continue to grow the fruit?  Replace what's been lost?

Tiny: no more belgian waffles..

Anderson: there is, but the cost of setting a hydroponics greenhouse  in action is equal to that already lost on the harvest.  The Floridians can't afford it.

Mark: What's our assignment then?

Anderson: Stop Spectra and retrieve our oranges!

Mark: Do we have the coordinates to the last location of Spectra's  attack vehicle?

[Andrson punches it up on the screen]

Anderson: two things are apparent from this visual: 1) we have a  leak at head quarters. 2) somebody's having a joke.

Mark: Good lord!

Princess, Jason, Keyop and Tiny: IT'S ZARK!

Mark: We have to destroy it and fast!

Jason: How about a well placed bird missle to his fosdic

Mark: Wait Jason..  we should try to get inside that thing.  See if we  can salvage any of the Florida Crop.  Tiny, let's get a better look at  that thing.

Tiny: do we gotta?

Mark: we gotta

Tiny: i was afraid you'd say that...

Anderson:  Alright.  You have your orders; you know what to do.   Good luck, team.

All: G-Force!

[They run out of the room, transmute, and race to the Phoenix.  There  is the lengthy and redundant launch sequence, punctuated by disco  music.]

Jason: Keyop, turn that thing off.

[The disco music cuts off as Keyop turns off his walkman.]

Keyop: blip brrrk.. Spoilsport.

Mark: Lock in the coordinates the Chief gave us, Tiny, and lets get after that thing.

Tiny: Coming up.. Ugh, look at that thing!

Jason: Do we have to?

Princess: Its horrible!

Mark: Circle around it, start looking for openings

[Tiny draws red crayon circles on the view scope.]

Jason: Look.. might be a ventilation shaft

Mark: Get a close-up look at grid 34

Princess: And its in his fosdick

Mark: Just what we need.

Princess: What is a fosdick anyways?

[Tiny snaps up the view of 34]

Tiny : Mark, do we really want to go there?

Princess: couldn't we just take a loss and blow it up?  Its not like Florida doesn't have the same sort of problem only with hurricanes  and droughts..

Tiny: yaeh.. can't we just.. boom

Mark: If only we could, Princess..  but millions of people rely on the  citrus fruit that is exported from Florida each year.

Keyop: yeah... bloopbloop.. rrrgh.. like Herbalife

Jason: I get cranky without my glass of OJ in the morning

Tiny: You're cranky in the morning any way, Jason

[Jason bops Tiny upside the head]

Tiny : hey what's that.. a way in.. maybe..over there

Mark: That looks as good as any place to me.  Jason, you're coming  with me

Tiny sighs : and I stay here with the ship

Mark: nope.. you're going along this time.  Princess and Keyop can  follow behind in the Phoenix.

Tiny: YIPPEE!!! I get to smash goons this time!!

Princess and Keyop breathe sighs of relief

Mark: Princess, take over.  Contact Chief Anderson and tell him we're proceeding into the Spectra vehicle.

Princess: Right!

Tiny:  Princess.. be careful:  The controls are really touchy..

Mark: ready Jason?

Tiny: and don't scratch the paint..

Jason: as always.  C'mon Tiny, let's get going.

Keyop: gloopblrp.. no problem.. blrrrrr.. piece of cake

[Keyop touches a control and nearly sends the ship into a spin]

Princess: Keyop!

[Princess gets to the controls before Keyop can and manages to get  the Phoenix into position]

Mark: Angle the phoenix as close as you can, we'll jump to the  opening.

[Jason and Tiny take their place with Mark on the lift.  It rises to the bubble canopy.  The canopy opens.  Tiny geronamo's and leaps, Mark  and Jason follow suit, landing lightly.  Tiny almost slips and falls, but makes it.  The three quickly make their way inside]

Goon: <watching them on the monitor> Lord Zoltar, we have visitors

Zoltar: excellent! show them in, I have a surprise waiting for them.

[Tiny whips on a hawaiian loud flowered t-shirt and shades]

Jason: We don't have time for that now Tiny

Tiny: but I brought the little straw hat and everything!

Mark: quiet, both of you

[Suddenly flat, nasal laughter fills the air.  Wall panels rise, revealing  Spectra goons all around them, pointing guns]

Mark: I recognize that voice anywhere

Tiny: You do?  It sounds like he has a head cold though..

Jason: We're surrounded

[A final wall panel opens, revealing a guy dressed like an orange marshmallow]

Orange Marshmallow Man: Welcome G-Force! We've been expecting  you!

Tiny licks his lips : That's the biggest orange marshmallow I ever  saw!

Jason: Shut your stomach off Tiny.

Mark: <to Orange Marshmallow Man> I don't know who you are, but  your sense of fashion is worse than Zoltar's.

Orange Marshmallow Man: Are you insulting our illustrious Leader??   I should have you shot for that

Mark: You still don't have good fashion sense.  Polyester Orange went out years ago

Jason: Maybe he's trying to blind us..

Tiny : if they were expecting us.. does that mean refreshents?

[The orange Spectra captain steps aside reverently, yeilding the floor to his superior.  Mark has a point: Zoltar's outfit clashes horribly with the Orange Marshmallow Man's]

Zoltar: <dressed like a purple bat, not an orange marshmallow> But of course!  How could I plan for your arrival and not provide..  entertainment?

Tiny : or make us sick

Jason: It's not working

Zoltar: Oh but I beg to disagree, everything is working exactly as  planned!

Mark: Where have I heard that before?  That sounds familiar..

Tiny : hey entertainment that's even better

Mark: SO what do you have in store for us this time Zoltar?

[Zoltar bursts into his usual maniacal laughter as the floor starts to iris open, revealing a giant juicer bin below.  The team separate as  the floor opens.  Tiny clings to a side pipe.]

Jason: Uh oh.. It looks like we're gonna get squashed.

[The floor continues to open slowly as the juicer starts up, mangling
 thousands of innocent oranges in the process.]

Tiny gulps as he slips: Guess I'm gonna lose that weight after all..

Zoltar: You are in a rather pressing position, G-Force, without much juice left.

Mark: We'll see about that

Zoltar: Farewell, G-Force!  Soon I shall have all of Florida's oranges  and their economy shall be shattered! Soon all of Earth will be mine!

Mark: Not if I have anything to say about it

[Mark vaults from the opening floor and heads straight to the nearest goon as hero music fills the air.  The goon, predictably, stands there with his mouth open as Mark kicks his teeth in.  Jason fires his cable gun and swings to catch Tiny in the nick of time.]

Tiny: Thanks, Jason.

Jason tosses Tiny into the goon melee:  Heads Up!

[Several goons get goon-bounced.  Mark sonic-boomerangs the lot of  them and proceeds to pursue Zoltar.  Long scenes of Zoltar running,  followed by Mark running.  Finally, Mark manages to snag Zoltar's  cape, dragging him to a halt.  The other G-Force members catch up  and surround the Spectran Leader.]

Mark: Not this time Zoltar.. you're not getting away from me that  easily

Zoltar: So.. You think you have caught me! Well guess again!

[Zoltar's cape (in fact his whole body) starts to shimmer and get sorta foggy and fuzzy]

Mark: no!

Zoltar's voice: You fools!  Did you think I would really fall for such a  banal and over used gimmick??

Jason and Tiny: Uh, well.. er...

["Zoltar" dissolves entirely, proving to be nothing more than an illusion.]

Zoltar's Voice: I am not even there! Even as we speak, I am on my way to Spectra, with thousands of your citrus fruits to sell on the Federation black markets!  Soon I will be rich, and Earth will grovel before Spectra!  Farewell G-Force!

Mark: <communicator> Princess! come in!  Zoltar's getting away.  We  have to go after him

Princess: Mark!  You have to get out of there!  That thing's a weapon,  and its coming after us!

Mark: Big Ten Princess, we're on our way

[The three scramble to get out of the mech and back on the Phoenix.]

Orange Marshmallow Man: Run, you fools! We shall destroy you and  your Phoenix ship with the power of our new weapon!

Mark: Oh no you won't!

[Mark bops the Orange Marshmallow Man before the three make their escape, leaping back onto the Phoenix as it angles away.]

Princess: Tiny, get us out of here, fast!

Jason: It's preparing to fire!

Mark: Evasive maneuvers

[The big Zark-antennae begin to glow, then barrage the Phoenix with energy bolts]

Mark: Take the phoenix upstairs, we've got to get out of the line of fire!

Tiny: I'm tryin'..!

Jason: We've taken some damage!

Mark: Try the missles, Jason!

Keyop: blorkblorkblork.. blast it!

Jason fires a few at them but they are destoyed:  No good,  Commander.  That thing just vaporized them!  They're not strong  enough.

[The Zark mech fires again]

Mark: but we have something much stronger up our sleeves:   Everyone in your seats.  Prepare to transmute to the Fiery Phoenix!

[Everybody scrambles for their stations]

Mark: Get ready to dive right at that thing, Tiny

Tiny : all right!

Jason: Stations secure

Princess: everything's go

Tiny: ready when you are, Commander

Keyop: blrk gurgle..

Mark: <hitting the firey phoenix lever> Dive Tiny!  NOW!!

Tiny: You got it!

[As the Phoenix makes its dive, a strange transformation takes place, enveloping the ship in flaming radiation.  The Zark mech begins to  break up as the Fiery Phoenix aurora touches it.  Then, the Flaming  Fury dives head long into the mecha and destroys it, sending  shockwaves across the galaxy.  Tiny yanks hard on the controls,  pulling her out of the dive.  Mark comes to, and looks around on the  bridge.  Jason opens his eyes slowly.  Tiny grunts and shifts in his  seat.]

Mark: Everyone alright?

Princess cracks an eye open:  I'm glad that's over with

Keyop: <from Princess' lap> blrp.. yeah

Jason: I'm alright

Tiny: I always get a head ache from that

Mark: Contact Chief Anderson.  Tell him we recovered some of the  citrus fruit, that the mecha has been destroyed, but Zoltar got away

[Stock footage of the Phoenix sailing off into the sunset.  Cut scene to the control room, where the robot is joined by a little robot dog.]

Zark: Well! That was certainly a close one,1-Rover-1! Imagine, the  nerve of that Zoltar! Making his mecha look like ME!

1-Rover-1: Nyap Nyap Nyap!

Zark: I certainly hope that one day G-Force will catch that diabolical  Zoltar.  Yes, I know, 1-Rover-1, you'd like to bite him.  Perhaps Mark  will let you.

1-Rover-1: Nyap Nyap Nyap

[The intercomm chime goes off]

Zark: Center Neptune Control, 7-Zark-7

Susan: <breathy> This is Susan from Planet Pluto

Zark goes haywire: SUSAN!! <nauseating giggle> Why I was just  thinking about you

Susan: I have <breathy> wonderful news Zark

Zark: oh that's wonderful.. I mean that'll be wonder.. I mean.. what is  it?

Susan: <breathy> It appears that Zoltar will have a problem with the  oranges he took from plant Earth.

Zark: oh? What do you mean, Susan?

Susan: <breathy> According to Chief Anderson, the crop Zoltar took  was infested with Fruit Flies.

Zark: Oh My!

Susan: <breathy> They will be no good once they reach planet Spectra

Zark: well that's wonderful news!  Thank you Susan

Susan: You're quite welcome Zark <waaaaay breathy> It's always a  pleasure speaking to you.

[Zark's fosdic goes up!]

Zark: Well, that diabolical Zoltar didn't win after all, 1-Rover-1.  The  oranges are infested with fruit flies, G-force has recovered the crop,  and the people of Florida will have orange juice once again.

1-Rover-1: Nyap Nyap

Zark: Well, we can always hope, 1-Rover-1..  It would certainly be  nice if the fruitflies infested Spectra, but until that day, we must always keep watch for alien attacks.  It's such an honour to be at Center Neptune and to work with... G-Force!

[1-Rover-1 gets up on his hind legs and puts a front paw on his chest in salute.]

1-Rover-1: NYAP NYAP NYAP!
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