by Jane Lebak
January 4, 2021: Condor Joe leaves practice in a huff after Nambu disparages his ninja skills. Returns two hours later and tries to strangle him.
Same day: Eagle Ken dyes his hair several different colors and tattoos most of his upper body. Has a brief fling with Madonna.
January 5, 2021: Condor Joe's contract terminated with the Kagaku Ninjatai.
January 6th: Mass media condemns Condor Joe's actions. Other ninja squads agree that a lifetime suspension is in order.
January 10th: Owl Ryu arrested for drunken driving after leaving The Foxy Lady.
January 12th: Swallow Jinpei spits on three members of the ISO Security Council.
January 20th: Eagle Ken kicks a photographer in the nuts.
January 29th: Ninja union holds a press conference saying Condor Joe was unfairly treated and that it's cruel and unusual punishment to withhold from him his means of earning a living.
January 30th: Mass media condemns the original suspension of Condor Joe.
January 31st: Eagle Ken breaks up with Madonna, who immediately heads out for a night on the town with Condor Joe.
February 2nd: Owl Ryu's lawyers testify in court that his drunken driving charge must be dropped because he was on flu medication and had recently lost weight, resulting in a much inflated blood alcohol level. Verdict: Not guilty.
February 25th: Arbitrators for the Ninja Union and the National Ninja Association present their cases. Head of the National Ninja Association determines that Condor Joe's suspension will hold only to the rest of the current season and that the Kagaku Ninjatai must abide by the terms of the remainder of the contract.
March 3rd: Owl Ryu drops $50 in Long Island Ice Teas at The Foxy Lady, where he's photographed kissing Madonna.
March 5th: Eagle Ken makes several disparaging comments about Mormons and the entire state of Utah.
March 6th: Mass media condemns disparaging remarks. Eagle Ken says, "I apologize for saying anything that wasn't true."
March 7th: Don King offers to represent the Kagaku Ninjatai.
March 8th: Berg Katse reputedly bites off part of Sosai X's ear.
March 9th: Lifetime suspension from terrorist activities considered for Berg Katse.
March 10th: Berg Katse claims to be very, very, very sorry that the Terrorist Commission wants to suspend him for something he did.
March 15th: Eagle Ken arrested for beating Swan Jun with his telephone and trying to strangle her with the cord.
March 16th: Eagle Ken has a press conference in total denial of having done anything wrong.
March 17th: Swan Jun drops charges against Eagle Ken because she has just been arrested for breaking the kneecaps of the other woman Nambu considered as the Kagaku Ninjatai's token female.
March 18th: Madonna and Jinpei photographed together at Great Adventure.
March 27th: Berg Katse will be able to resume terrorist activities after a one year suspension. Sosai X claims he forgives Katse and looks forward to being in the control room with him again after the suspension is over.
April 2: Don King offers to represent Berg Katse.
April 5th: Swan Jun brings charges against Nambu that he lured her into his hotel room and bit her in the thigh. She has his toupe to prove it.
April 6th: Nambu claims all biting was completely consensual.
April 25th: Owl Ryu arrested for diving off a stage at a club and injuring a woman in the crowd.
April 26th: After hearing Ryu's defense, FDA asks for testing on antihistamines and weight loss programs.
April 27th: Swallow Jinpei says women have no right to be reporting on manly subjects like war because they can't possibly understand it.
April 30th: Eagle Ken, Director Anderson, the Security Council, and Dr. Nambu stand together and determine to win the war against Galactor. Condor Joe immediately demands to be traded.
May 1st: In a televised interview with several prominent female reporters, Jinpei apologizes for offending all women everywhere.
May 3rd: Terrorist bombing of a city scheduled to air only on Pay Per View.
May 4th: Madonna and Jun photographed together on the beach.
May 8th: Swallow Jinpei performs dangerous mission and is awarded a medal by the Security Council
May 9th: Security Council removes the medal when blood tests show marijuana in his blood.
May 10th: Medal is reinstated after Jinpei explains that his friends did all the inhaling for him.
May 20th: Kagaku Ninjatai loses a very important battle against Galactor. They return to their hotel room and trash the place, keeping other Ninja teams awake all night before their own very important battles.
May 25th: Kagaku Ninjatai goes on strike for more money.
May 30th: Dr. Nambu calls the cable company and demands they remove ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN3, and NESN from the team's cable package.