Anti-Virus Software Attack by Grumpy Ghost Owl
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Story Notes:
Warning: this story is stupid.


DISCLAIMER This is an original work of fan-fiction. Gatchaman and Battle of the Planets are the property of Tatsunoko and Sandy Frank Productions. No profit, gain, hire or reward is received by the author for this work.




BATTLE OF THE PLANETS: A Lost Episode

[Opening theme.]

NARRATOR:
Battle of The Planets!
G-Force!
Princess! Tiny! Keyop! Mark! Jason!
And watching over them from Center Neptune...
Their computerized co-ordinator, 7-Zark-7!
Watching, warning against surprise attacks from alien galaxies from  BEYOND SPACE!!




ANTI-VIRUS SOFTWARE ATTACK!


[Exterior shot of Center Neptune, the same exterior shot they always open with... and there are those same fish we always see, swimming in the same little fishy formation at the same depth, at the same speed, at the same time, every weekday afternoon just after school gets out.]


7-ZARK-7 (voice over):
Here at Center Neptune, deep beneath the sea, I maintain a constant look-out for alien activity that could signal another invasion attempt from the evil Planet Spectra!


[Cut to Nerve Center interior. The robot stands on tiptoe, extends an arm and wipes the top right hand monitor.]


7-ZARK-7:
[He giggles] Ahhhhhh! That's better! It wouldn't do at all to mistake a speck of dust for the latest killer ship from evil Planet Spectra, now, would it, 1-Rover-1?


[Yellow cybernetic canine sits abruptly on the floor, hindquarters hitting the antistatic vinyl with a hollow clank.]


1-ROVER-1:
Nyaaaaaap!


7-ZARK-7:
Oh, hello, boys and girls. Here at Center Neptune, deep beneath the sea (just ignore the sunlight filtering through the water and the fact that we're only a few feet below the surface) I keep a constant watch for alien attacks from the EEEEEE-ville Planet Spectra. In fact, I'm going to check up and see what's going on over there, right now! The EEEEEE-ville Planet Spectra lies deep within the Crab Nebula. (What? Radiation? Oh, I never worry about that.) I'm a robot, you know.

My deep space scanners will allow me to see what that evil Zoltar is up to!


[Scene: A large, well appointed chamber within Zoltar's Summer Palace. Zoltar is standing in the middle of the room, berating a group of men in suits.]


ZOLTAR:
When I purchased Quanto Tobor Personal Security to save valuable resources so that Planet Spectra could conquer the Earth, I expected to see some positive results!


SALES EXECUTIVE #1:
But, Lord Zoltar, didn't the product do what we said it would do?


ZOLTAR:
I am dissatisfied.


SALES EXECUTIVE #2:
Lord Zoltar, has QTL Personal Security not met the requirements you set out in the Tender and RFP documentation?


ZOLTAR:
I tell you I am not happy!


SALES EXECUTIVE #3:
Lord Zoltar, we've replaced your expensive and cumbersome team of highly trained bodyguards with one complete bundled package comprising virus protection, a personal firewall and bullet-proof vest, monitoring equipment and attack warnings! What could possibly be wrong?


ZOLTAR:
Imbecile! With QTL Personal Security, it now takes me five times as long to wake up in the morning! I must wait for QTL Personal Security to load before I can do anything!


SALES EXECUTIVE #1:
Well, Lord Zoltar, you can't expect a package as good as QTL Personal Security to just pop up and be there when you want it.


ZOLTAR:
And every time I wish to speak with the Great Spirit, QTL Personal Security tells me I cannot, that I must refer to my ISP!


SALES EXECUTIVE #2:
Clearly, the Great Spirit is using incompatible software.


ZOLTAR:
Every Wednesday afternoon, I have to stop work and sit quietly while QTL Personal Security updates itself!


SALES EXECUTIVE #3:
It's critical that you allow LiveUpdate to run, Lord Zoltar. How else are we to maximise your safety?


ZOLTAR:
And every time anyone walks past with a weapon, I have to hold up this little sign that says, "QTL Personal Security has detected a threat!" Enough is enough!


SALES EXECUTIVE #1:
Lord Zoltar, we understand that the software takes a little getting used to. Let us extend the money-back warranty period by another ninety days, and in addition, we will provide you, free of charge, a copy of QTL Password Manager! Also, we suggest you reconfigure the Great Spirit's e-mail client. Sometimes, these things just happen, you know.


ZOLTAR:
Oh... Very well.


[Follow the QTL Sales team as they exit the palace, get into a space ship and lift off.]


SALES EXECUTIVE #1:
I thought that went well.


SALES EXECUTIVE #2:
Yes, Galaxy Security will be very pleased with us.


SALES EXECUTIVE #3:
Do you think they'll let us have our identities back, now?


SALES EXECUTIVE #1:
I'm happy to be escaping with my life.


SALES EXECUTIVE #2:
We're not out of the woods, yet, guys. We still have to uninstall our system from Chief Anderson's computer or he's going to have us shot, remember?


[Cut to Nerve Center]


7-ZARK-7:
Once again, the galaxy is safe! Unfortunately, I can't get through to tell G-Force about it because my anti virus software seems to be blocking all my communications...


1-ROVER-1:
Nyaaap! Nyaaaaaap!


[Cue closing theme and credits]


Chapter End Notes:

No anti-virus software was harmed in the writing of this story.
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