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Gatchatots by Donna Gregory, JaneLebak
Gatchatots by Donna Gregory, JaneLebak
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Gatchatots

And Now, For Our Special Feature Presentation...

Donna Gregory and Jane Lebak are proud to present the world premiere of a lost episode of Battle of the Planets, the characters of which are obviously copyrighted to Sandy Frank Film Syndication, Inc., but we're doubtful this particular script ever made it as far as the Library of Congress. How this script survived when all other extant copies of the episode were destroyed for reasons unknown would be a marvelous tale in and of itself, but suffice it to say the manuscript finally came into the trustworthy hands of those who knew well its full import only after Donna and Jane were in Lauriats buying a copy of How to Toilet Train Your Cat, and while in the food court leafing through the appendices, they found a yellowed, stapled-together clump of papers. Sure enough, it was the manuscript to a BotP episode, and yet they were certain neither of them had ever seen it before. Thirty hours of BotP later, as they put away the last of the five tapes (with their eyeballs bleeding, and able to stare at any object in the room for mere seconds in order to turn it into 7-Zark-7) they decided they'd been correct: they had in their hands a lost episode! Wouldn't the APA be excited? While Jane watched the news (a plane crash, but everyone ejected just in time) Donna got on the phone with some of her contacts, and the next day she and Jane snuck into the Sandy Frank offices at 635 Madison Avenue, and in the file rooms they found a few actual cels from this lost episode. Imagine how pleased they were! Now the same pleasure can be yours as they present this never-seen-before episode of Battle of the Planets.

CUE OPENING THEME

Opening scene: All five members of G-Force asleep in their beds in Center Neptune. Camera studies each sleeping team member one at a time. A mech circles slowly over the crescent coral that's supposed to provide their cover but in reality is too distinctive-looking to do anything of the sort. Inside the mech, which is in the shape of an ice-cream truck with a glowing clown head revolving on its roof, a technician works at his computer.

Techie: Mighty Zoltar, I've got a lock on the birdsuits.

Zoltar: The Great Spirit will be so pleased. Prepare to fire the ray! {Pauses and studies the Spectran's uniform: he's wearing a clown outfit to match the glowing-eyed clown head on top of the truck.} Did I order that uniform for you?

Techie: I designed it myself, Mighty Zoltar.

Zoltar: You look like Gel Sadra on a bad hair day.

Techie: Who?

Zoltar: Never mind--fire the kidilator ray.

The ray bathes Center Neptune in light, and a strange transformation begins to take place.

 

INTRODUCING: SANDY FRANK'S
“GATCHABABIES”

From the soon-to-be-released “Battle of the Planets: The Lost Episodes”
Presented by Donna Gregory and Jane Lebak

In Center Neptune:

A closet door creaks open slowly, and a pair of small hands begins rooting through piles and piles of junk. After a minute of throwing aside old books and worn clothes, a hand seizes upon a tattered, beaten hunk of black fabric, and with both fists tight on the corner, the searcher pulls backward as hard as he can. The object resists for a moment, but then something above it slides to the right, and it snaps free of the junk in the closet all at once, sending the searcher bowling backward onto his behind. The black object is revealed to be a very large, very careworn, patched-up, one-eye-missing, stuffed condor. Jason straightens the wings and hugs it tight.

Jason: It's okay, Curtis. I'm here now. See?


At Center Neptune Control:

Zark: This is terrible! I knew I should have been watching Center Neptune, but first I was on the phone with Susan and next I took my ten-second oil break and leafed through the complete works of Shakespeare, and before you knew it, that mech had slipped through our defenses and zapped all five members of G-Force! Now it's been two days, and no cure is in sight!

Rover: Wap! Wap!

Zark: What's that, One-Rover-One? You say Chief Anderson will be able to reverse the effects of the ray?

Rover: Wap! Wap!

Zark: You say President Kane has all his men working on it night and day?

Rover: Wap! Wap!

Zark: You say Chief Anderson is having a crucial meeting with the members of G-Force right now? Let's take a look.


In Chief Anderson's Ready Room:

 

Mark: CHIIIEEEFFF! Jason's launching the Phoenix again!

Jason: Am not!

The room is a wreck, littered with toys and candy wrappers. Tiny draws on the walls while the other four run around.

Princess: Can I go watch TV now because it's my favoritest show on now and I never get to watch it because the boys are always watching and then they start fighting and yesterday you sended me to my room when it wasn't my fault so I didn't see it and I really like it a lot and I'll be good and clean my room afterward if you let me so is it all right?

Keyop: Uhm...Mark? I'm having a Science Ninja Emergency...

Everyone: KEYOP!! Ewwwwww...

Chief: Everyone, go to your rooms!

Mark: But Jason starrrrted it!

Jason: {Hits Mark with Curtis} Did not! WEENIE!!

Chief: That's it. You're all grounded until you're thirty.

Princess: Chieeeeeef! Tiny's eating another twinkie and you told him not to because we're having dinner in half an hour and you told me I couldn't have a twinkie and I wanted one real bad and you said!

Tiny: Shfft ummp! {swallow} Shut up! I didn't tell when you chewed gum when you weren't supposed to and it got all stuck in your retainer!

Keyop: BELLLLLLCH!

Chief: I don't know why I put up with this.

Mark: I do! I do! It's because you love us and you think we're sweet!

Chief: Guess again, runt.

Jason: Because we annoy Zoltar twice as much as we annoy you??? Huh? Izzit? Izzit?

Chief: Basically. Where's my bottle of Excedrin?

Tiny: Princess floated it in the bathtub.

Chief: Figures.

Keyop: Chief, look what I made!

Jason: Chief, Curtis has a hole! Can you sew him again?

Keyop: Looklooklook what I made outta Princess's retainer!! It's 7Zark7!! See? See? CHIEEEF, you're not looking!!

Princess: AAAAH! KEYOP!!!

Tiny: Ew! Groooosss!!

Jason: You wanna see gross? This is gross!

Mark: Oh wow!--that is gross! Can I touch it! What is it?

Keyop: I want one too! No fair! Butthead! Butthead! Jason is a butthead!

Jason: I am not, you little twerp! Take it back!

Keyop: No. Gimmee!


In Center Neptune Control:

Zark: Oh, my 1-Rover1...I am so terribly worried about G-Force! Our scientists here at Center Neptune are still working to reverse the rays and I.. .

Rover: WAP!!

Zark: Why, yes! Here come Mark and Princess..

Princess: WOAH! He's every bit as tall as we are!

Mark: See!! See!! I toldja he looked like a giant Mister Potato Head!!

Zark: Excuse me?

Princess: COOL! I wanna put the nose here and the ears over here and then we'll give you a pretty purse and...

Zark: What? Hey...put that down!! Commander, reallYEEEOWTCH!!

There's a flurry of activity, and before long Zark is rearranged to look like Ms. Potato Head. The kids run away screeching with laughter.

Zark: Oh my stars and fosdics.

Rover: WAP!

Zark: Oh, shut up.


The Chief is walking back from the park with five children in tow, Jason's hand firmly clenched in his right hand (Jason squirms trying to get free, but the Chief's got him fast) and Tiny's in his left. Jason's clutching Curtis in his left arm, but one wing drags along the pavement. Mark's walking behind them holding onto Princess and Keyop, making fun of the Chief by the way he walks and carries his head, then trying to look normal every time Princess and Keyop wail with laughter and the Chief turns to see what's happening. Two ISO agents follow at generous distance.

Off camera: the repetitive bell-like notes of a simple, recognizable song.

Gatchatots: Ice Cream!!

Chief: Oh, no...

Mark: I wanna rocket pop!!

Jason: That's cuz you're a rock head!

Mark: Well you're number two, and everyone knows what a number two is!

{punch bang sock!}

Princess: Chief can we please have some ice cream cuz we've been real good just like you told us and I even made Keyop clean his room and I wanna ice cream sangwich and I've been real good not like Tiny..

Tiny: Whaddya mean by that? HUH???

Keyop: BEEELCCH!

Princess: I'm not gonna teeeellllll! I'm not gonna teeellllll!!

Chief: If I get you all some ice cream, will you five be quiet for a while?

Gatchatots: YAAAAYY!!

Anderson leaves the kids at the merry-go-round with the two hapless technicians as he walks up to the ice cream truck. The truck has a large, slowly rotating, ominous looking clown head on the top, with glowing eyes. Mala leans out the counter in a white suit and an evil smile.

 

Mala: And a happy Mister Frostee-cup day to you, sir. What can I get you?

Chief: {glaring back at the kids} Five shot kids and a cone of vodka.

Mala: Excuse me?

Chief: {louder} Five kid cones and a shot of vodka--do I have to repeat myself ten times for everything?

Mala: Oh--you poor man. Five kids will do that to anyone. C'mere. I've got something extra special for you....

Chief: Really? WhaAAUCK!

Mala whacks the Chief soundly with a Power Rangers pop and starts dragging him into the truck as he gets the first peace he's had all week.


Back at the merry-go-round:

Princess: I wonder where the Chief is 'cuz he's been gone an awful long time dontcha think an our ice cweam's gonna be all melteded by the time he gets back an...

Tech 1: {looking up, seeing Mala whack Anderson in the head} Y'know, kids...the Chief might get the wrong flavors...{winks and nudges Tech 2}

Tech 2: Oop! Yeah...and...what if he...drops one? Yeah...and the truck's already gone?

Gatchakids: {looking at each other} NOOOOO!!

Tech 1: Look! Looks like they're getting ready to leave...better go get 'em, guys!!!

Mark: Okey dokey! G-Force, let's go!!

Other Kids: Right! TRANSMUTE! {They barrel after the truck and see Anderson being stuffed in the freezer. The two techs high-five each other and take off. The kids all manage to dive into the truck, much to Mala's suprise.}

Mala: Wha?

Princess: Hey lady why are you stuffing the Chief in there and that doesn't seem very nice and what's all that junk and isn't there any ice cweam in...

Mark: Hah! I got us here cuz I'm the leader.

Jason: I wanna be the leader sometimes.

Mark: No. I'm the leader. You're just a boogerhead.

Princess: ...in there cuz we've been good an...

Tiny: Hey...why're we driving away?

Keyop: Uhm...'scuse me ice cream lady...I hafta go, now...

Mala: ZOLTAR!!! What is going on? ...Who are these little urchins??

Zoltar: I do not pay you to ask questions. Just make sure we're not being pursued. And the Luminous One wants to know if you have any “Rocket Pops”.

Mala: The kid in green just got the last of them.

Jason: Am not a boogerhead, you!! {WHAM BIFF SOK POW}

Mark: GOTCHA! {starts giving Jason a noogie} Say it! Say it! I'm the leader!

Jason: Okay, I'm the leader!

Mark: BIRD NOOGIE!

Jason: WAAAUUUUUGH!!! No NOOOOOGGIIEEESSS!!

Zoltar peers back from the cab.

Princess: You don't seem very nice ice cweam lady. You take the Chief outta that box just this second or I'm gonna tell on you cuz we're G-Force and I'll have you in such trouble...

Zoltar: By the Great Spirit's boxer shorts! What a catch, Mala! We've snagged G-Force and Chief Anderson!! {laughs maniacially} Vacation on Riga--here I come!! {Looks in rear view mirror and sees that Mala has jumped off the truck and is running away from the kids, screaming.} Oh well. KIDS?

Gatchatots: Yes?

Zoltar: There's a lot of ice cream back there--Chief Anderson didn't want you to have any, but I'll let you have as much as you want.

Gatchakids: AWRIGHT!

Mark: But wait a minute--

Zoltar: All the Chief told you was not to take ice cream from strangers, right?

Gatchakids: AND WE KNOW YOU! ICE CREAM TIME!

Zoltar: This is too good to be true...


Camera pans in on an old, abandoned Chuck E. Cheese. The Chief is seen handcuffed before Zoltar, staunchly refusing to answer questions. The camera flashes to a shot of the kids, mewling and crying, in a barred playroom filled with balls, chickenwire in place on three sides where the netting once had been. The fourth wall consists of cemented cinderblocks painted seafoam green. Every so often, the mouth of a hideous clown head opens on one wall, its eyes glow, and more balls are poured into the room.

Great Spirit: The babies look unhappy. Add more balls.

Princess and Keyop cling together while Mark stands at the bars shouting at a guard who's standing as far away as he can with his fingers in his ears. With Curtis tucked under one arm, Jason rubs at the crumbling cement wall, making a pile of powder on the floor. Tiny's busy tying Keyop's tail feathers together.

Green: {into his radio} Mighty Zoltar, how much longer do I have to stand guard?

Zoltar: {over the radio} You've only been on your shift an hour.

Mark: Where's the Chief! Hey, Mr. Green Goon—where's the Chief! CHIEEEEEF!!!

Tiny: I'm hungry.

Princess: I had too much ice-cream and now I feel sick and I hate my retainer and I wish we were back home and I wish I'd bringed some crayons and what time is it and--

Jason: We'll be all right, Curtis--the Chief will come get us out.

Green: What have I done to deserve this?

Zoltar: You should have considered this before you plea-bargained down from life at hard labor--I knew it was a mistake at the time, of course, but then again, I am relentlessly evil. As much as I enjoy gloating, I have some work to do, now. Ta-ta!

Mark: CHIEEEEEF!

Tiny: I'm BORED down here--does anyone have any GAMES or ANYTHING and I think it's really STUPID to keep us DOWN here! IS ANYBODY LISTENING?

Jason: EEW! Keyop's picking his nose again! Mark, make him stop!

Green: Where can I get a bottle of Excedrin, I wonder?


Time passes. After a while, two Spectran guards lead Chief Anderson to the cell, tremendous guns at the ready. The on-duty guard unlocks his handcuffs and admits him to the cell with the children.

New guard: Is that wise?

Green: You want to make the kids start screaming?

New guard: In he goes!

Chief Anderson is pushed into the cell and the door locked behind him. All five kids raise their heads and stare, then run for him, knocking him back into the bars.

Gatchatots: Chief! Chief! We didn't think we'd ever see you again! Chief! You're back! Bird Hug! BIRD HUG!

Chief: It's all right, kids. It's all right. Keyop, for heaven's sake wipe your nose. Not on your sleeve. It's all right--Zoltar is going to hold us for ransom, that's all.

Tiny: Does he want a million zillion dollars?

Chief: He's asking for the Conway Tapes.

Mark: Will Mr. President Kane give it to him? Huh? Huh? Will he?

Chief: I'm beginning to wonder, Mark. Not if he's smart.

Jason: {shaking Curtis in the excitement} No! No! If he's smart, he'll send in a hundred jillion tanks and airplanes and a whole army like I saw in that movie last week, and they'll come in and BLOW the place up and there'll be fires and everything, and then we'll be rescued! Right, Chief?

Chief: Actually, I don't think a rescue attempt will be high on his list of priorities, either.

Princess: What about Zark, huh? What about him?

Chief: I'm sure Zark will do what's best, honey.


Meanwhile...

Zark: Well, President Kane, this is an unexpected honor. I don't often get to see your office, except via a low-level thought scan with my phased-amplitude subspace modulator.

Kane: I wanted to give you some extra-high viscosity oil and ask you a special favor, just for me.

Zark: Actually, my low-level thought scan filled me in a long while ago, and I'm in perfect agreement. Would you like a cigar? Of course, cigars contain tobacco and that's bad for children...

Kane: You can go now--thank you Zark.


Zoltar and the Great Spirit have established a connection to President Kane and are waiting for him to patch through his video hookup. After a few moments, the screen reveals his face on the monitor.

Zoltar: You undoubtely know why we have called. We have captured your G-Force and Chief Anderson, and we are holding them here in temporary safety.

Great Spirit: We will return your compatriots only if you meet our demands, namely, in exchange for the Conway Tapes.

Kane: Are you nuts?

Great Spirit: We will not return them if you don't cooperate.

Kane: You promise?

Zoltar: {hesitantly} It will mean much distress for you and the other people of Earth if you do not--

Kane: I've got an idea--call me back in a few days and we'll talk about distress.

Zoltar: Buying time for your 7-Zark-7 to locate G-Force will not do you any good--

Kane: It's safe to say Zark won't find them. Listen, I think it's about time the ISO instituted a new policy of not dealing with terrorists, don't you? All this risking thousands of lives for the sake of the few--it's kind of silly, don't you think? That gives you guys far too much power. I'm going to side with my ethics professors on this one and tell you no--at least, that's what my friends' notes said they said. I cut class that day.

Great Spirit: We will give you just three days to comply with our demands.

Kane: That's a hard line, Great Spirit, but I'm afraid I know what our answer has to be.

Zoltar: Don't be too hasty now...

Offcamera: Sounds emerge from the hallway: CHIEEEF! I'M BORED! WHEN DO WE GO HOME? GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT? I'M HUNGRY! BIRD SNAP! OOOOOWWWW! KIDS, IF I HAVE TO GO OVER THERE AND BREAK THAT UP, YOU'RE BOTH GOING TO BE SORRY!

Kane: {smiling coyly} No, I'm afraid our brand-new policy has to have this rather...difficult first test case. Sorry to disappoint you. Bye. {Transmission ends}

Great Spirit: He will yield in time.

Offcamera: CHIEEEEEF, YOU'RE NOT GUESSING WHAT!

Zoltar: Yes, oh light of wisdom.


Three days later--

Zoltar: I want an explanation from you.

Chief: What more explanation do you need? It was your ray that did this to them.

Zoltar: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about what little hooligans you've raised. What kind of a father are you?

Chief: They're much calmer now than the first time around, actually.

Zoltar: We're willing to work with the Federation to reverse the effects of the ray.

Chief: You mean you don't have the stomach to imprison sweet, innocent children?

{A pause, then both men burst into laughter.}

Chief: {drying his eyes} Oh, that was rich. So I take it negotiations with President Kane haven't gone as expected?

Zoltar: He laughed harder than you did. No, no...he insists he doesn't want to have to answer to the rest of the ISO if he allows the kids to come back. {laughs a bit desperately} Heck...all of my soldiers have left. They've all sworn they'd rather die as traitors than spend another five minutes with your little monsters.

Chief: You could probably ransom me on my own.

Zoltar: I am not a stupid man, Chief Anderson--I don't want to be responsible for giving five kids horsie rides every hour of the day. So--will you work with us to reverse the effects of the ray?

Chief: I think it's in all our best interests. Can you explain what exactly the ray did?

Zoltar: It removed chemicals from their DNA that occur only after puberty, thus rendering them children again.

Chief: In other words, the script writers didn't consider the further ramifications of this technology--that now anyone with enough money can become immortal.

Zoltar: Look, it was just a cheap plot device--we were under a deadline, all right? And we only have eleven minutes left in this episode--seven, if that idiot Zark robot keeps turning up. If we don't solve this soon, it may become a two-parter, and I don't think anyone wants that.

Chief: Not even Zark wants to deal with the kids any more than he has to, to tell you the truth. Let's get to work. {pauses} Have you heard them for the past ten minutes?

Zoltar: No! Maybe they're settling down after all.

Chief: You never had kids, did you? KIDS??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Gatchatots: {offscreen} NOTHING, CHIEF! {stifled giggles}

Chief: I'll be right back. Then we'll get to work.


Center Neptune Control:

Zark: I've run a low-level thought scan of Chief Anderson, and I'm beginning to wonder if he'll ever figure out a way to reverse that ray! And I do hope he does it soon. Not only do I miss the G-Force I used to love, but it's getting harder and harder to convince people that I just can't find them on my monitors. That rubbing off a speck of dirt trick will work only so often before the technicians will come in here and try to upgrade me to Windows95. This is a terrible, terrible situation indeed. Meanwhile, the Great Spirit of Spectra himself has approached President Kane via ultra-secure videoconference in order to issue new demands for the return of G-Force.




In the Great Spirit's Audience Chamber:

Great Spirit: Please, please, PLEASE take them back!!

Kane: Nope. You made them this way. YOU get to keep 'em

Great Spirit: Uhm...uhm...We'll even throw in Zoltar... PLEASE?!?!?!?

Zoltar: WHAT?!?!?!

Mark: Bird kick!! Bird KICK!!!!

Keyop: Mark! I really gotta go! NOW! Now now now now!

Chief: Hey, Luminous One--are you positive you can't reverse the kidilator ray?

Great Spirit: All right, all right, you found me out. We never thought that far ahead. Okay? Well, Zoltar, do you want to put your two cents in while we're at it???

Zoltar: Do you think I'm enjoying this? Well, do you? Do you think I can put a six year old on the rack to make him talk? Do you think these brats would talk about anything other than the Brady Bunch and the World Wrestling Federation?

Princess: Uhm...Mister Zoltar sir? Howdya get your hat like that? Are those your real ears? If they are I bet you hear real good like a cat and all and I like purple and you have purple ears does that mean that you hear purple and...

Chief: Excedrin?

Keyop: MAAAAARRRKK!! I GOTTA TAKE A G-WHIZ!!!

Jason: Keyop is a baby, Keyop is a baby....

Zoltar: Yes, please.

Jason: And I bet you're thinking 'bout Hoover Dam and Niagra Falls and every drop of soda you drank in the last three days and the Pacific Ocean and...

Tiny: Now I hafta go too!!!

Mark: Toldja ya shoulda gone before!

Princess: ...and I had a cat once...no really...but she wasn't purple and I named her Carrie cat cuz I liked to carry her but she bit Tiny...

Jason: ...and the great lakes and...

Keyop: I-- ...oops...

Everyone: EEEEWWW!!

Zoltar: Make it two?

Chief: Jason, I hope someday you have a child just like you.

Mark: Chief an' Pandora sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Tiny: EEWWWW!!

Chief: I only wish. She's sworn she won't see me again until Keyop turns twenty-five.

Princess: ...and one day I wanna grow up and marry Mark and make him stay home with all our babies and...

Tiny: Mark and Princess sittin' in a tree...

Mark: Bird WHACK! You shaddup!!

{whack thud bam biff oof}

Zoltar: Nevermind, just give me the bottle...

Jason: Hey, Princess, what's green and goes a hundred miles an hour?

Princess: I dunno--what?

Jason: {SNOOOOORRRRRT!}

Zoltar: I asked you for the bottle.

Chief: Not unless you think of a way to change them back!!

Great Spirit: If I'm not needed here, I'll turn off for a few minutes.

Zoltar: Not on your life, darnit--you got me into this, you're staying for the finish.

Great Spirit: What's that? I can't hear you...must be having some holographic interference.

Zoltar: Now you listen to me, you big, stupid, glow in the dark chicken head!!

Great Spirit: xkxxxzzzzsh... What was that, Zoltar? zzxCCxxxx I'm having an awful time hearing you....

Princess: CHHIEEEEFFFF!! Jason snorted a looooooggggiieeee!!!

Jason: {snork} Did not! Did not!

Keyop: {snif} I WAAANNAA GO HOOMEE!!

Tiny: Baby, baby!!

Keyop: Am not, you big fat booger head!!

Tiny: CHIIIEFFFFFF!!

Chief: Keyop, watch your language.

Keyop: Nyah nyah! Got my fingers in my ears! I can't hear you! I can't hear you!

Princess: I wish I had my dolls with me because if I had my dolls with me I could show you how I know how to change a baby and burp a baby because they taughted me all that before I got 'dopted here and I don't get a chance to practice on real babies anymore but I'm real good when I do it with the dolls. Mr. Zoltar, you're not paying attention! I'm really serious now!

Keyop: I'm still not listening to anyone!

Mark: Bird punch! Bird poke!

Jason: Stop it!

Mark: I'm not touching you!!! See, Chief! I'm not touching him! You can't yell at me!

Chief: You know, it's your fault I can't send them to their rooms.

Zoltar: Guilty as charged. You know, these Excedrin aren't half bad.

Chief: I go through a bottle a day.

Jason: Awright! That's it!! I'm gonna pound you!!

Mark: NYAH NYAH NYAAAAGGGHH!!

{whap thud crunch bop wham}

Mark: Bird wedgie!

Jason: Hey! Bird wet willie!

Mark: Oowwooh!

Princess: But lookeee Jason gotta stuffed birdie an' I can show you on this if I can have parta your cape and I'm gonna make a diaper jus' like they showed me...

{smash crack bang grab}

Jason: HEY! Gimme that back!!!

Mark: AWWwww!! Princess take away your birdie-wirdie?

Princess: I just wanna show Zoltar how I can change a baby.

Jason: That's not a baby! You wanna practice on something, practice on Keyop!

Keyop: I'm all wet and stuff.

Princess: Gross! I don't wanna touch him!

Jason: Just give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! GIVE IT BACK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Chief: Princess, I think you better give it back.

Princess: But Chief!

Tiny: Zoltar, did you fart?

Zoltar: Wha--? No, I didn't!

Tiny: He who denied it, supplied it!

Keyop: He who smelt it, dealt it!

Jason: Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back! Give it back!

Great Spirit: Do you still have any of those Excedrin?

Zoltar: Bug off, chicken face--this is all your fault! “Oh, Zoltar...you're not taking over the earth fast enough, Zoltar...this'll stop G-Force, Zoltar.” BAH!!!

Jason: giveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitgiveitbackgiveit backgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitbackgiveitback

Princess: ...got your birdy-wirdy...got your birdy-wirdy!!

Jason: AAAAWWW C'moooonnnn!!! You're gettin' girl cooties all over it!!!

Mark: Bird poke!!!

Great Spirit: AAAAAHHHH!! I! CAN'T! TAKE! THIS! ANY! MORE! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! JUST ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!!!!

Gatchatots: {snif}{SNURF}{snuffle} uh..uh..uh..MWAHHHHH!!

Chief: Way to go.

Zoltar: Boogerhead.

Great Spirit: Oh, I didn't realize I'd zapped you with the ray too.

Gatchatots: WAAAAAAAAAH!

Chief: ENOUGH!

Instant silence.

Chief: I've just about had it with you all! If you don't shut up and start acting like civilized human beings, none of you are going to be able to sit down for a week, do you understand? Have I made myself perfectly clear?

Mark: But Chief, he--

Chief: Don't you ‘but Chief' me--all of you are acting like babies! Didn't I raise you to be any better than this? Was this the reason I went through all the trouble of dragging you out of the gutters and feeding you and clothing you? And are you grateful in the least little bit? NO!

Gatchatots: {shuffling their feet} We're sorry.

Zoltar: I'm sorry. Um...I mean...

Chief: Now that's it--I'm not going to hear a peep out of you for half an hour. Is that understood?

Gatchatots: Yes, sir.

Chief: Now go take a nap. I don't want to see any of you for a while.

{Gatchatots shuffle off to bed.}

Zoltar: Damn, you're good.

Chief: Preservation instinct.

{rattle rattle}

Zoltar: Uh-oh

Chief: What?

Zoltar: There's only one Excedrin left

Jason comes back out, rubbing his eyes and clutching Curtis.

Jason: Uhm...Chief...I can't sleep...can you tell me a story?

Chief: {to Zoltar} Tell him a bedtime story and I'll let you have the last Excedrin...

Zoltar: Blackmailer. Fine. This story's called “The Ransom of Red-Chief-Anderson.” Once upon a time there were five little orphans and their evil blackmailing stepfather. One day a wonderful ruler formerly known as prince, all in purple came by and asked to have an Excedrin, and the wicked stepfather said no, so the prince called his boss, the shortsighted stupid blue chicken who is never gonna get any more Excedrin from me ever, and they conquered the Earth and sent the five orphans to go live at a monkey house at the zoo where they belonged in the first place. And the prince and the Excedrin lived happily ever after. The end.

Jason: That sucked.

Chief: Watch your mouth and get back to your nap.

Princess comes back out.

Princess: Chief, can we have a night light?

Chief: You want a night light?

Princess: It's all dark.

Zoltar: That's done easily enough. Oh Great Spirit....

Great Spirit: This had better be good.

Zoltar: Just go light up a monitor in the kids' room and be useful for once. Sheesh.

Princess heads back. Keyop heads out.

Keyop: Chief, there's this glowing face on the computer monitor and it'll give me nightmares.

Chief: Did you take that last Excedrin already?

Zoltar: {gulp} Yeah.

Chief: Crud.


Center Neptune Control:

Zark: Well, isn't that amazing! As G-Force takes their naps, Zoltar and the Great Spirit sneak back to Spectra AND the effects of the ray seem to wear off! I guess they were exhausting themselves so much that their nightly rest was only barely sufficient to restore their strength--their taking a nap during the middle of the day has allowed them to restore those all-important adult chemicals to their DNA, and it also gives us a couple of platitudes to push on children so we have some basis for stating that our series “includes factual information about our universe.” I wish I could take a nap--naps are very important you know, but because I'm a robot and must be ever vigilant, I only get these lousy ten-second oil breaks.

Rover: Wap! Wap!

Zark: Yes, One-Rover-One, it does suck to be here sometimes. But I know in the end it's worth it just to work for....G-Force!


Jason wakes up.

Jason: Huh? What? AGH! CURTIS!! Where did they find you????? :hug:

Mark: Jason...what...exactly are you doing?

Jason: Nothing! {stuffs Curtis behind him} Nothing...uh...nope...

Princess: Who put this chewing gum in my hair?

Tiny: What happened to us? I don't remember a thing.

Keyop: {inspecting himself} Why am I all wet?

Gatchadults: EEEEEWWWW!


Cue nifty music, cut to closing credits.

“Gatchatots,” Gregory/Lebak, page 
“Gatchatots,” Gregory/Lebak, page 

All right, we admit it—the drawings were done by Donna. They're not actual cels from an actual episode as we claimed in the introduction. In fact... No, we can't admit to the horrid truth. Draw your own conclusions.

Thank you for attending this world premier presentation of “Sandy Frank's Gatchababies.” We hope you had a good time and will read it again soon. We think you'll have had as much fun reading it as we did...er, finding it and transcribing it. The Gregory/Lebak team takes no responsibility for any self-inflicted injuries incurred during Zark's scenes, but we do recommend not operating any heavy machinery for at least three hours after any Battle of the Planets episode. We thank the authors of the first amendment. Keep circulating the tapes.

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