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Lovely Sailor Ninja Gatch by Donna Gregory
Lovely Sailor Ninja Gatch by Donna Gregory
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(No Flames, please. All in Good Fun) :)

[Five kids, four boys and a young girl, in Japanese high school student uniforms are sitting in an ice cream parlor.]

Ken: (sigh) Why does math have to be so hard?

Joe: Whine, whine, whine. Can't you do anything but whine?

Jun: Joe! Stop picking on Ken.

Joe: Meatball head.

Ken: Nyahhh! Thbbpt!

[They keep eating their sundaes until two pigeons, one black and one red, both with little stars on their foreheads pop up and peck at the window.]

Jinpei: Look! It's Nambu and Impulse!

[They hurry outside]

Nambu: You kids have to hurry! We sense terrible negative energy approaching! The evil Lord X may be attacking again!

Impulse: Yeah. What he said.

Ken: Right! [from somewhere, he whips out a little bird-topped wand] Eagle Power Transvestite Transformation!!

Jun: Swan Power Transformation!!

Jinpei: Swallow Power Transvestite Transformation!!

Ryu: Horned Owl Power Transvestite Transformation!!

Joe: Oh for crying out loud. . .not again!

Nambu: Joe!! You are a Sailor Ninja! The team needs you.

Joe: Oh, all right. Geez. Condor Power Transvestite Transformation.

[a long, involved, and very revealing sequence takes place, where at the end there are five attractive young women in skimpy sailor outfits - Sailor Eagle, Sailor Swan, Sailor Swallow, Sailor Owl, and the ever popular Sailor Condor.]

Condor: Cripes.

[They tail the pigeons to Lord X;s evil monster. It looks like a large trashcan with eyes and arms and it is trashing a playground]

MONSTER 7: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! IN THE NAME OF LORD X, YOU STUPID CHILDREN WILL GO HOME AND WATCH INFANTILE TV UNTIL YOUR BRAINS ROT AND YOU BECOME HIS WILLING MINIONS!!! Swan: Oh! How terrible!

Eagle: Hey, you macektrash!! I'm Sailor Ninja G-1, the Eagle! I stand for truth! I stand for justice! I stand for a greener Tokyo! In the name of the Eagle I. . .

***THWAP!!***

[Monster 7 splats Sailor Eagle into the ground like a bug]

MONSTER 7: SHUT UP!! Do you think your drivel is going to bore me into submission?!?! Swan: Sailor Eagle?

Condor: I always hated that speech anyway. . .

Swallow: oohh. That's gotta hurt.

Owl: Ouch.

Nambu: Will you ninjas stop yakking and take care of the monster?

Condor: Okay, okay, already. Hey Ugly!! Eat this!! Flaming Condor Feather Attack!!

(A ring of flaming feathers spiral around Sailor Condor before barraging Monster 7)

MONSTER 7: BAH! You can't hurt me! This is all violence to be edited out at my master's whim!!

Swan: Swan Rainbow Ribbon Encircle!!

(A spiraling rainbow band emanates from her fingertip and she tries to whip it around Monster 7, to no avail)

[the monster swats them both away, as Sailor Eagle staggers to his/her feet]

Eagle: In . .in th' name of th' beagle . .I . .I will punshish you...

[Monster 7 goes to splat Sailor Eagle again]

MONSTER 7: Is that your only power, Sailor Eagle? To be irritating?

Condor: well, some of us think so.. .

Swallow: Eagle!! Look out!! Swallow Flying Bubble Bolos!!

(A swarm of annoying bubbles fly around the monster)

Owl: Its too strong!

MONSTER 7: Nooo. You couldn't just accept when my master offered you jobs in his forthcoming regime on earth, you stupid Ninja Sailors!Now I will crush you like grapes, and no one will ever know that you died, because your lives will be re-edited and you will be replaced by our mindless clones!! Swan: What kind of evil is your master?!!?!?

[As the monster rolls towards them, from out of nowhere, a tulip embeds itself in the pavement. All look up at a man in a very ugly purple tuxedo and mask]

Condor: Who the hell is that?

Purple Tuxedo: No more will you terrorize people with your bad voice acting Monster 7! Sailor Eagle! Get your shit together and blast this creep back to the macekverse! Eagle: Huh? Oh, yeah, right. (From out of nowhere, again, whips out the bird wand) Eagle Scepter Monster Blast Magic!!

(The monster vanishes screaming "Pingpong!! We'll all play pingpong!!)

[Purple Tuxedo leaps to the ground]

Tuxedo: Sailor Eagle, I sensed you were in danger. . I. ..

Eagle: I'm okay, thanks to you. How do you always know . .uh, why are you looking at me like that?

Tuxedo: Uhh, nothing. Nothing. Um..

Condor: Owww! Fucking heels!

Tuxedo: Sailor . .Condor, is it? Are you okay?

Condor: Oh, sure. I run around in high heels every chance I get..

Tuxedo: That ankle looks awfully painful. Let me take a look at that. . .

Condor: um. That's okay, Purple Tuxedo.

Tuxedo: No, no, I insist...

Eagle: Hey, hey, hey! Waitaminnit!! It's like my destiny to be the leader, here! I'm supposed to be getting the attention! I got smooshed into the sidewalk...

Owl: Oh, shut up, Sailor Eagle.

Condor: Really, Purple Tuxedo. Thanks for caring and all that.

Tuxedo: (producing another tulip from somewhere and giving it to Sailor Condor) Well, parting is such sweet sorrow, but I must be off! Ta-ta... ladies!

Swallow: Well, someone's *off* at any rate....

[Later, back at the ice cream parlor]

Ken: I still don't get it. I look waaaayy better in a skirt than you do...

Joe: (shaking a crutch at Ken) Just shut up already about that. Whine, whine, whine. . .

[Berg, the handsome, yet androgynous, florist Jun is crazy about stops in]

Berg: Jun! I thought I'd find you guys here.

Jun: (with hearts in her eyes) Hiii Berg.

Berg: Joe. I see you're on crutches. What happened?

Joe: Oh, I got ...sacked. Um, during football practice..yeah..I

Ken: Hey, Berg. You saw the Sailor Ninjas on the news, right? Who do you think looks better in a skirt, Sailor Eagle or Sailor Condor?

Berg: Umm..

Everyone Else: KEN!!!!

(The end . .or is it?)

(Insert Helpful hint for the day of your choice here)

Lovely Sailor Ninja Gatch Episode 2

Donna Gregory :)

[Once again, an ice cream parlor with five teens in Japanese high school student outfits - Four young men, and a young woman]

JUN: siiiiiighhhh. I wish I could get Berg to take me to the senior dance....

KEN: I could take you, Jun.

JUN: Yeah, but that's like going with your sister.

JOE: Dance, shmanse. [lights a cigarette]

JINPEI: EEeewwwww! Joe!! That's disgusting!

KEN: Not to mention unhealthy and unattractive.

JOE: Nag, nag, nag.

[Jun grabs the butt and stubs it out.]

JUN: No smoking. You want to induldge that gross habit, take it outside.

JOE: Yeah, yeah. Fine. [stalks out]

[outside, he lights another and smokes until there is an explosion, and smoke rises over the buildings]

JOE: Holy shit!!! I gotta check this out!

[from inside, the other four see the explosion, and watch Joe run off.]

JUN: We should go after him...

RYU: Nahh. Joe's pretty tough. He'll call if he needs help. Besides, I don't want his shake to go to waste.

[As Joe runs towards the explosion, a black pigeon flaps by his head]

NAMBU: Joe!! You must transform! There is a terrible macekverse monster attacking a school!!

JOE: Oh come on. I don't haveta put the skirt on again, do I?

NAMBU: Stop complaining! You're as bad as Ken sometimes!!

JOE: WHAT? That does it. [whips out a little bird-topped wand] Condor Power Transvestite Transformation!!!

NAMBU: I'll go get the others!!

[once again, there is a long and revealing transformation sequence, leaving Joe transformed into the lovely Sailor Condor - A huge yellow, doglike monster is stomping on schoolbuses (to the cheers of the surrounding students) and zapping teachers into jello with rays coming out of its antennae. It has a horrible sound coming out of it, sort of like a chihuahua trapped in a dryer]

CONDOR: Good lord!! It's ...it's horrible!!!!

[The thing swivels it's head around. It has a horrible 70's yellow smiley face]

MONSTER 1: NYAP!! NYAP!!

CONDOR: Chew on this, gruesome!! Flaming Condor Feather ATTACK!!! [Flaming feathers spiral around Sailor Condor, then fly at the monster. They do little else than bounce off and ignite some trees.]

CONDOR: oops. *That* was a bad idea.

[Sailor Condor spends the next several minutes dodging antennae blasts, as the teachers and students look on]

TEACHER: Well, better her than us. Come on, everybody, back inside.

STUDENTS: Awwww!! We wanna watch the Sailor Ninja get trashed!!

TEACHER: It'll be on the news tonight. All of you whose teachers were vaporised, see the principal.

CONDOR: Criiiiiippes!

[There is a blast, flattening Sailor condor to the ground. just before the monster zaps her though, a tulip comes flying out of nowhere, miraculously deflecting the blast away from her and into the school. The school collapses in a heap of rubble]

PURPLE TUXEDO: Sailor Condor!! Hold on!! [he barrages the giant monster with tulips until it gives up and runs away, still making that horrible sound]

CONDOR: [through the little flashing stars] Wha' happen? Oh, ish you, burple tuxshedo.

[Purple Tuxedo picks her up, his eyes getting misty and little rose petals and sparkles appearing everywhere]

PURPLE TUXEDO: When I saw you fall, I got so worried.

CONDOR: Thatsh nice...huh? [shakes her head]Wait, wait.. put me down, okay? Come on, man!!

TUXEDO: Why, my princess?

CONDOR: That's it, put me down before I french fry you, you..you purple masked lech!!

[Purple Tuxedo opens his mouth to say something romantic, but suddenly, a shimmering form appears and zaps them both away]

[Just then, the other sailor ninjas arrive with Nambu]

EAGLE: Oh, No!! We're too late!!

NAMBU: I should have never let Joe go alone.

OWL: Wasn't that Purple Tuxedo with Sailor Condor?

EAGLE: WHAT?!?! I'm supposed to be with Purple Tuxedo!! It's my destiny!! If I find out that flame throwing little hussy is making time with my betrothed..grrrrrr!!

SWAN: Geez, Eagle. Get a grip on yourself.

[Somewhere else: Condor and Purple Tuxedo come to, tied up and dangling in a well. From above, Lord X's voice can be heard]

LORD X: You have no hope of escaping, Sailor Condor!! You or your miserably dressed companion! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ahem. Tell me your true identities, and I will spare you and allow you to work for me!! Voltron, Defender of the Universe has a few openings!

CONDOR: Never, you talentless, heartless bastard!!

TUXEDO: I dunno. I always wanted to be Yellow Lion.

CONDOR: You - SHUT UP!!! The other Sailor Ninjas will rescue us, you evil twinkie!!

[Lord X floats away, laughing hysterically]

TUXEDO: Well, my darling. I guess that leaves us with some quality time.

CONDOR: I-am-not-your-darling!! Let me just fry these ropes, and we'll be out of here.

TUXEDO: And what, let us fall into the pit full of spikes and alligators?

CONDOR: What?

TUXEDO: Yeah, and it looks like the water level's rising.

CONDOR: You've got to be kidding.

TUXEDO: And if you miss the ropes, you'll toast us both.

CONDOR: Oh, for crying out loud. Fine. So we wait.

TUXEDO: You know, I've waited a long time to be this close to you, Sailor Condor.

CONDOR: Shouldn't you be saying this to, like, Sailor Eagle or someone?

TUXEDO: Don't you remember your past life in the Bird Kingdom of Gatchlandia?

CONDOR: Excuse me? How do you know about that?

TUXEDO: I was the prince of the purple cat people. I was betrothed to marry your Princess Eagle, to cement a lasting peace between our two nations. But then Lord X came and turned all my people into mindless green-suited androids. I was the only one to escape. (sniffle)

CONDOR: You're Katse? Really?

TUXEDO: But I didn't escape unscathed. I was a prisoner of Lord X's for some time. He did terrible things to me (SOB)

CONDOR: You're Katse? Really?

TUXEDO: Oh, for God's sake Sailor Condor, yes, I'm prince *Berg* Katse!!!

CONDOR: You're Katse? The purple eared motherfucker that killed my parents!??!! Left me to be raised by a goddamn talking pigeon!??! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!

TUXEDO: No, no, no!!! Condor, put the fire back!! Your parents were obviously killed by Zoltarina Katse.

CONDOR: I'M GONNA..what?

TUXEDO: (SIGGHHH) Yes. There is my terrible secret. The purple cat people of Gatchlandia can be either male or female. Lord X found that to be disgusting, immoral, and not suitable for children's viewing. His horrible crime to me was to separate my male and female parts!! Unfortunately, my female half never much liked my fashion sense, and decided to stay with Lord X when I managed to escape. You could call Zoltarina my evil twin sister. Um.. Sailor Condor? Are you still with me on this?

CONDOR: You turn back and forth between being a man and a woman?

TUXEDO: Well, that used to be the idea.

CONDOR: AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!

TUXEDO: You think this is funny?

CONDOR: (sniff) No...really..it's heh it's nothing. Really.

TUXEDO: Great. I pour my heart out to the woman I love, and she *laughs* at me!!

CONDOR: BWAHAHAHAHA...Woman you *love*? What about Sailor Eagle? You know, your destiny and all that malarkey?

TUXEDO: If you must know, I always found Princess Eagle to be a flakey, boring simp. I always liked your passion in the old days. Your..fire!! Your legs in those thigh-high black leather boots!

CONDOR: Pig.

[From above are the sounds of battle, including Sailor Eagle's whiny scream and the horrifying NYAP!! NYAP!!]

CONDOR: Well, Tuxedo. I guess they found us. Even though the water's up to my knees, now, this hasn't been a half bad experience, being tied up and trapped in a well with you.

TUXEDO: I feel the same way, Princess Condor.

CONDOR: Umm... please. Don't call me Princess, okay?

TUXEDO: We should go join them. [He produces another tulip from...somewhere..and cuts through the bonds, then leaping and carrying them both out of the well.]

CONDOR: Heeeyyyy....why didn't you do that before, huh?

TUXEDO: Well, I thought being held prisoner together, facing certain death, might ignite some feelings in you.

CONDOR: GGGGRRRRRRRRRR!! THE ONLY THING I'M GOING TO IGNITE IS THAT UGLY SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER REJECT TUX WITH YOU IN IT!!! [flaming feathers begin to appear around her]

OWL: um, guys? yoo-hoo! Sailor Condooor! We could use a little help here!

TUXEDO: Now, now Sailor Condor....

CONDOR: FLAMING CONDOR FEATHERS ATTACK!!! [the blast goes astray, nearly frying the other Sailor Ninjas, and reducing the yellow monster to slag]

EAGLE: Hey. Dammit! This was the part where I'm supposed to do my Eagle Scepter Monster Blast Magic schtick.

CONDOR: Get *over* it, Sailor Eagle.

SWALLOW: Oh, wow. Sailor Condor. That was really impressive.

TUXEDO: Well, ladies, having re-re disposed of the monster, exit Purple Tuxedo, stage left. [He blows a kiss in the direction where Sailors Eagle and Condor are standing and vanishes]

EAGLE: Ohhhh! He really does still care!

CONDOR: Boring, whiney simp.

EAGLE: Simp!! I'll show you a simp, you..you..hussy!! What kind of Sailor Ninja wears black leather anyway?

CONDOR: HUSSY!?!?! I didn't ask to get tied up with that pervert in purple!

SWAN: Umm..girls? The monster is gone, Lord X and his lackeys have all escaped, and there's a big smoking crater where PS135 used to be. Maybe we should just go home.

EAGLE: NYAAHHHH! Hussy.

CONDOR: Simp.

EAGLE: Hussy.

[Much, much later, back once again at the ice cream shop]

JUN: You think I should ask Berg to be my date?

JOE: Berg? Berg. Berg. Omigod.

JUN: What? *You* weren't gonna ask him, were you, Joey-wowey?

KEN: Hmph. He's probably waiting for purple tuxedo to ask him out.

JOE: Cut that out!! At least *I* have a chance of going out with purple tuxedo, unlike *some* people sitting at this table eating a hot fudge sundae *again*, so that *someone* may not fit in their uniform the next time we go out...

KEN: [looking down at his hot fudge sundae] You..you bastard!!

RYU: Um, guys? Could you keep it down? People are staring.

KEN: Hussy.

JOE: Simp.

EVERYONE ELSE (including the pigeons): SHUT UP!!!!

(Insert Helpful Hint of the Day of Your Choice Here)

Sailor Gatch 3 ;)

Donna Gregory

[A bridge outside the ice cream parlor. Ken is leaning over the edge, looking depressed.]

Ken: (long, drawn-out, pathetic) siiiiiiigh

Jinpei: Hey, aniki! What's the matter?

Ken: ah, Jinpei. I miss my father. You know, my real dad, Lord Kentaro of the Bird Kingdom? Sigh. I ..I feel so abandoned. Those were the days, weren't they? The blue open skies of the..

Jinpei (wandering off) Forget I asked.

Joe: What's with the chowderhead?

Jinpei: He's doing that "I miss my daddy" thing. I wouldn't go over there if I were you.

Ken (to no one in particular)...the little puffy white clouds as they floated by...

Joe: I see...thanks.

Ken: and I had a sky puppy...

[a dark and dreary place, *not* anywhere near an ice cream parlor, but possibly close to a place that sells overpriced yuppie gelato - a figure in a bizarre purple outfit kneels before a shimmering blue chicken]

Lord X: I am very disappointed in you, Zoltarina Katse. Time and time again, you have failed to squash those annoying Sailor Ninjas.

Zoltarina: X-sama, how could I have know that they would be strong enough to stand up to Monsters 7 and 1? (shudder) They were our most horrible creations. And the smur..the little blue things.. (shudder)

Lord X: Well, I can't argue with you on that front....

Zoltarina: please X-sama! I know I can get them this time..

Lord X: tut-tut. I'm putting you on hiatus. One of my other garishly dressed minions, who - might I add - has had considerable more success then you on some of our other fronts, will be handling this next assignment.

Zoltarina: WHAT?!?!? WHO?????

Lord X: Ohh Gel Saban? Come here, please...

Zoltarina: You've gotta be kidding!!!! Clown-boy?!?!? You're replacing me with the CLOWN??

Lord X: Now, don't pout, Zoltarina. Gel Saban has had great success infantilizng the Dai Rangers. I feel he's shown the right get up and go for this management position...

Zoltarina: EEEYYYAAAAGGHHHHH!! (runs away screaming)

Gel Saban: Don't worry, milord. Soon, those Sailor Ninjas will be juice-sipping pantywaists.

[Back at the ice cream parlor]

Ken: ...and then when I was 7, I wanted to be a ballerina...

Joe: It's been an hour. I can't take much more of this. Let me kill him, please??

Jun: Joe! Ken is our friend, and our born leader!

Ken: ...swan lake, of course...

Jun: Well, maybe you could just knock him unconscious or something...

[the two pigeons flap up]

Nambu: What's the matter with Ken?

Joe: He's whining again. Please!!! Let me kill him!!

[*just* then, a crowd runs screaming down the street]

Crowd: AAAHHHHH!

Jun: Geez. What was that all about?

Nambu: uh-oh. the macekverse is on the move! You kids better transform!!

Ken: huh? Oh, okay. [from somewhere, out comes the little bird topped wand] Eagle Power Transvestite Transformation!!

[There is, once again, that long and revealing transformation sequence]

Joe: You..you go on Sailor Eagle we'll..

Jun: We'll be right behind you.

Jinpei: Yeah. You go get 'em, Sailor Eagle.

Ryu: zzZZZzzz..hpmh..wha?

Eagle: But..but...but..we're like the fingers on a hand, always five, acting as one...

Joe: *I'll* show you a finger...

Jun: Joe!! Sailor Eagle, shoo! We're going to check to see if those people are okay. Go!

Eagle: Uh, okay. [runs off with the pigeons]

[the monster is just sort of wandering around, trashing a supermarket that seems somehow like it was filmed somewhere else - The monster itself is a grade B collection of latex and foam rubber cobbled together in the shape of a can of spam]

Spamula: Bleagh!! Bleagh!! Booga-Booga!!

Checkout girl: eek. who's filming the rubber monster fiesta?

Eagle: Hey, macketrash!! I'm Sailor Ninja G-1, the Eagle!! I stand for love! I stand for justice! I stand for good oral hygiene! In the name of the Eagle, I will punish you!

[Spamula stops and stares dumbly at Sailor Eagle]

Eagle: What? Aren't you going to attack me or say something witty?

Spamula: (noncomittally) bleagh.

Eagle: Ohhhhh. I get it. You're mocking me. Just like Sailor Condor always does. It's all becoming clear to me now...

Spamula: (with a little more gusto) Bleagh.

Eagle: Stop it!! Stop it!! I know!! Sailor Condor put you up to this!! That little hussy is just pissed off that I look better in a skirt than she does!! Steal my boyfriend, will she!! I'll show her!! Grrrrrrr...

Spamula: umm, Booga?

[Gel Saban appears behind Spamula]

Gel Saban: You idiot collection of petroleum byproducts masquerading as pork!! Attack her!!!

Spamula: Oh, yeah. Bleagh!![Spamula spews out a clear jelly found most often in canned hams and petri dishes, sliming Sailor Eagle]

Eagle: oh, gross. I feel.. I feel ...

Gel Saban: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Eagle: I feel pretty..oh so pretty...I feel pretty and..

Gel Saban: Huh?

Eagle: witty and wise...

[suddenly, from outside...]

Condor: Hey ugly! You're lunchmeat! One Condor cajun special, coming up!

Swan: Condor, wait! You might hit Sailor Eagle..

Condor: and?

Eagle: Y'know, I could really go for some papaya juice right now..

Swallow: Swallow Flying Bubble Bolos! [annoying bubbles swarm around Spamula]

Swan: Swan Rainbow Ribbon Encircle! [she snags Sailor Eagle, dragging her to safety]

Condor: Now can I toast the monster?

Swan: No. You never let anyone else have any fun. Sailor Owl?

Owl: It's about time! Horned Owl Sonic Sumo Stomp!!! [she jumps up and down, and the resulting sonic boom levels the store] There!

Swan: uh, good..good job, Sailor Owl..um, maybe we should just get going before the authorities arrive..

Eagle: Look at all the pretty colors..

[Spamula and Gel Saban clamber out of the wreckage]

Gel Saban: You..should know, you can't destroy spam...

[from out of nowhere, a tulip embeds itself in the ground]

Swallow: oh, looky. Purple Tuxedo.

Condor: Ber...uh, Tuxedo!

Tuxedo: Sailor Eagle!! Use your wand!!

Eagle: Okey-dokey. Eagle Scepter Monster Blast Magic!!

[the monster disappears in a puff of spam-scented smoke]

Gel Saban: Mark my words, you sailor-suited ninnies!! I *will* get you! (he vanishes)

Tuxedo: Are you Sailor Ninjas okay?

Eagle: You think I'm cuter than Sailor Condor, don't you, Purple Tuxedo?

Tuxedo: umm...

Swan: Eagle!!

Eagle: (sigh) I wish my father were here.

[the two pigeons flap up]

Impulse: Sailor Eagle, I *am* your father.

Eagle: What?

Everyone Else: Figures.

Impulse: The evil Lord X turned me and my trusted vizier, Nambu , into pigeons when he destroyed the Bird Kingdom.

Eagle: I must still be hallucinating.

Impulse: nope. I'm your pop. you don't know how proud I am of my son..ah..daughter..

Eagle: you're...a lot..ah..shorter..than I expected, um, dad. I..[passes out]

Condor: thank god.

Nambu: A side effect of Spamula's attack. She won't remember a thing.

Condor: Awww, no! Not again! We're gonna have to listen to "I miss my father" all over again??

[that dark and dreary place again]

Zoltarina: juice-sipping pantywaists? Hah. Clown-boy. Loser.

Gel Saban: Oh, shut up, you pointy-eared, half-a-hermaphrodite. (harumph) I don't understand. Spamula should have made Sailor Eagle into a mindless chump. BAH! It doesn't matter. I, the great Gel Saban, already have a new plan for destroying them! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(insert personal hygiene tip of the day here)

Sailor Gatch 4

:)

[Our five heroes are walking down the street. For once, they're wearing "civilian" clothes, instead of their school uniforms]

Jun: Jinpei, are you *sure* your teacher said you could have off today?

Jinpei: of course, onechan! Would I lie to you?

Jun: yes....

Joe: I don't understand why we're going to this stupid museum, anyway..

Ken: Well, Principal Anderson gave everybody off so we could see the opening of the dinosaur exhibit.

Jun: yeah, Joe. I mean, how often are we going to get to see a real dinosaur that was preserved in ice at the bottom of the ocean? God knows, you might actually learn something..

Joe: You've seen one dead lizard, you've seen Jinpei's pet collection..how exciting can a saursicle actually be? [lights a cigarette]

[they come up to the line outside the museum of natural history and see Berg waiting in line]

Jun: oh!! Berrrrrggg!! [she starts running up and waving]

Joe: oh, no.

Berg: Oh, hi guys! You have off today to see the dinosaur?

Jun: Yeah. Mind if we get in line with you? [she grabs his arm, little hearts popping over her head]

Berg: um, no...

Joe: I'll just..wait over here..[lights another cigarette off the one in his mouth]

Ryu: oh, no you don't. If the rest of us have to go through the dinosaur thing, so do you..

Jun: I always knew you were the cultured type, Berg...(siiighhh)

Ken: [under his breath] "always knew you were the cultured type Beeerrrrggg" Bleagh.

Berg: [flustered] uh, well..So! Ah, how're the rest of you guys doing?

Ken: Just fine. Berg.

[slowly, the line moves up until they're inside.]

Joe: [lighting yet another cigarette] I *still* don't see what all the fuss is about...

Jun: [picking up a program] Come on. We have to get some seats.

Ryu: [squinting at the flyer] "Entombed in Ice" presentation by...who the hell is Doctor G. Nabas?

Ken: Probably some scientist guy.

Joe: oh, now THAT'S a profound thought, meatball head.

Ken: Shut up, Joe.

Joe: Whiner.

Jun: Will the two of you be *quiet*?!?!?! Grrrr...

Usher: I'm sorry, young man. This is a non-smoking facility.

Joe: WHAT?!?

Ken: Oh for pete's sake, Joe! [he grabs the cigarette out of Joe's mouth]

Joe: Give it back, birdbreath.

Ken: Nicotine junkie. [He flings the still lit cigarette towards what looks like a standing ashtray, then turns away, trying to drag Joe by the arm. The cigarette misses and lands in the potted tree]

Joe: Heyyyyy! Lemme go!

Jun: Will you two KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF?!?!? [The other people in the room all turn to stare at her]

Overdressed Woman: Young Lady, how rude! Shhhhh!

Jun: [softly] I swear I'm going to kill the both of you.....

[They take seats in a large room. At the front of the room in a podium in front of a huge..something draped with a curtain. An ugly little man in an ugly suit comes up to the podium. From the back of the room smoke starts to waft up from the slowly burning palm tree]

Dr. Nabas: (ahem) I stand before you today with something I guarantee you have never seen before. May I present to you all this perfectly preserved dinosaur! [He yanks on a cord and the curtain falls to the ground, revealing a purple tyrannosaurus-rex, sort of, encased in ice]Tah-DAAAAHH!!

Crowd: Ooohh! Ahhhh!!

Jun: It's..it's horrible...

Ryu: It's..huge...

Berg: It's purple. Cool.

Jinpei: I thought, y'know, they were supposed to be green or something.

Joe: (sniff) do you smell something burning?

Ken: It's just your brain.

Joe: Oh, hah-hah. No, really..I smell something burning...

Dr. Nabas: [knocking on the ice] Imagine if this were alive! You would all be cowering in fear! [he looks up at the block] uh..[he knocks on the ice again] I said COWERING IN FEAR!!

Jinpei: This guy's a real froot loop if you ask me.

Dr. Nabas: [kicking the ice] COWERING IN FEAR, DAMMIT!!! Shit.

[the crowd starts grumbling. People start to leave]

Joe: (sniff) [looking around] Listen - I've set enough stuff on fire to know what smoke smells like...

Berg: (sniff) Joe's right. I smell something, too.

Dr. Nabas: COWERING..IN..FEAR!!!!

Joe: Oh, shit. Uh, Ken?

Ken: What is it now?

Joe: Um..where exactly did you throw that cigarette?

Ken: You can't be thinking of trying to get it and smoke the rest are you?

Joe: Don't shit with me, Ken. Where'd you throw it?

Dr. Nabas: COWERING IN FEAR, GODDAMMIT!!!!!! [he starts whacking the ice with a chair] Stupid, defective youma!!!!

Overdressed Woman: What, is this performance art? I really hate performance art...

Ken: In the ashtray by the door.

Joe: Is there possibly a chance you missed? You know, *klutzy*, and lobbed it into the plant instead?

Ken: [turning] Uh-oh. [sees the now flaming palm tree] Oh, shit. [just then, the sprinklers kick on.] Whew.

[more people start getting up, cursing. No one notices the sprinklers are melting the ice]

Dr. Nabas: Wait!! You can't go! You're supposed to be cowering in fear!!!!

Jun: Ken? Joe? [looking up at the water] You two don't have something to do with this, do you?

[Suddenly a loud voice booms out]

King Bernie: HYUCK! HYUCK!

Dr. Nabas: eh? [looking up] Ahh! My purple minion! You are finally free! I no longer need this stupid disguise!! [reveals himself to be Gel Saban, duh.]

King Bernie: UHH, YUP!

[Nambu and Impulse come flying in]

Nambu: It's a trap kids!! Dr. Nabas is actually Gel Saban, agent of the macekverse!!

Ken: [whispering] Yeah, we..uh..we kinda figured that one out on our own, Nambu.

Impulse: Oh, no! We're too late!!

King Bernie: HYUCK! WANNA PLAY??

[whatever people were left in the lecture hall scream and run out]

Gel Saban: Wha? [looks up at the dinosaur]

Berg: Did those pigeons just talk?

Nambu: uh, no. Cluck? Cluckcluckcluck..

Impulse: uh, yeah, cluck.

King Bernie: I LIKE TO PLAY! DO YOU?

Jun: Nope. Nope. Look, Berg, we..uh..better go..that monster is, uh, awfully..scary, right?

Berg: Oh, yeah. Look, I'll..uh..meet you guys outside..

Ken: Right. Outside.

Gel Saban: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU STUPID PURPLE GIT????

Nambu: Cluckcluck..quick! You kids have to transform to the Sailor Ninjas!

[they all stare at Joe]

Joe: What? What? I didn't say anything!!

Ken: Eagle Power Transvestite Transformation!!

Jun: Swan Power Transformation!

Jinpei: Swallow Power Transvestite Transformation!

Ryu: Horned Owl Power Transvestite Transformation!

Joe: $@#%!&! condor power transvestite transformation. There - are you *all* happy?

[once again, there's that long and revealing transformation sequence we all love]

King Bernie: HYUCK- HYUCK. NOW, NOW, GEL SABAN. WE DON'T SAY STUPID. STUPID IS A NAUGHTY WORD. WE SAY "INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED." CAN YOU SAY "INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED"?

Gel Saban: NYYAAARRRGGGHHH!! What is the matter with you?? You're supposed to be terrorizing people and wiping out the collected works of great civilization, reducing people to mindless slobs..oh, *wait*...

Sailor Eagle: Hey Gel Saban! I'm Sailor Ninja G-1, the Eagle! I stand for Truth! I stand for Justice! I stand for better living through plastics! In the name of the Eagle I will..[she is suddenly scooped up by King Bernie] WOULFFF! HEY!!!

King Bernie: NOW, NOW! TRUTH AND JUSTICE ARE NICE, BUT WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HAVE A BERNIE DOLL, LITTLE GIRL? I THINK I'LL CALL YOU BETTY. BETTY IS MUCH NICER THAN SAILOR EAGLE, DON'T YOU THINK?

Sailor Eagle: Get me outta heeeerrrrrreeee!!!

Sailor Condor: (snort) Betty? Ohhhh, Betty!!! I'll rescue you, BETTY!! Flaming Condor Feather At..

Sailor Swan: WAIT!! You might accidently fry Sailor Eagle!

Sailor Condor: AND???? I *still* don't see the problem with this.

King Bernie: WHY DON'T WE ALL SING? "I LIKE YOU..YOU LIKE ME..BECAUSE I'M JUST SO CUDD-ILEE!!"

Gel Saban: [slapping his forehead] Holy Soosai. This is worse than I could have imagined!!

Sailor Eagle: Put me dowwwwnnnn!!!!

King Bernie: AND I'LL LOVE YOU AND HUG YOU AND SQUEEZE YOU AND CALL YOU GEORGE. OR BETTY.

Sailor Swan: Swallow! Owl! Stop that dinosaur!!

Sailor Swallow: Swallow Flying Bubble Bolos!!! [annoying bubbles swarm around King Bernie's head]

Sailor Owl: Horned Owl Sonic Sumo Stomp!!! [the resulting shockwave collapses part of the roof and knocks King Bernie on his purple ass, flattening Sailor Eagle] oops.

Gel Saban: Get Up!! Get up!!

King Bernie: THAT WASN'T VERY NICE. YOU HAVE MADE ME SAD. NOW I'LL HAVE TO GIVE ALL OF YOU A TIME-OUT. PERMANENTLY.

Sailor Swan: uh-oh....RUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!! [she barely dodges the giant purple foot as the Sailors scatter]

Sailor Condor: [trips] OW! Fucking heels!!! [looks up a the huge purple toes looming down on her] Oh, cripes, not again..

[just then, as timing would have it..a tulip comes streaking out of nowhere, spiking the dinosaur in the foot. Purple Tuxedo swoops down on one of the priceless tapestries and scoops up Sailor Condor. King Bernie drops Sailor Eagle as he clutches is big toe in pain]

King Bernie: OWWWW!! YOU CHILDREN *JUST* DO NOT PLAY NICE. THAT'S *NOT* GOOD MANNERS...

Purple Tuxedo: Have no fear, my love! You won't be squashed today!!

Sailor Condor: um..thanks. Really. I woulda been okay without your help, though, you know...

Sailor Eagle: [WHUMP][gets up, staggering, seeing stars] Did..*anyone* get..th' number ...of that bus?? Heh [falls over again]

Sailor Swan: Eagle! Stop fooling around and blast that sucker!!

Sailor Eagle: Beeee...right with ya..Shwan...[thud]

Sailor Condor: Oh, man. She's useless...Flaming Condor Feather Attack!! [the blast knocks King Bernie over again, as some of the feathers careen off, igniting several Van Goghs] Eagle!! Get it in gear!!

Sailor Eagle: Yeah..right... Beagle Schepter Monster Blasht Magic!! [whump]

[King Bernie Ka-poofs. Instead of disappearing, though, he turns into a stuffed animal]

Gel Saban: Dammit!! Dammit!! Lousy, defective youma...I bet that pointy-eared, purple, pain-in-the-ass had something to do with this...[vanishes]

[they all gather around the little stuffed dinosaur]

Sailor Swallow: [kicking it] I think it's dead...

Sailor Swan: Swallow! [picking the toy up] I think he's kinda cute, this way.

[in the distance, there is the sound of sirens]

Sailor Owl: Uh-oh. I don't think we should stick around to try to explain *this* one.

Sailor Condor: You got that one..uh..Purple Tuxedo?

Purple Tuxedo: Yes, my princess?

Sailor Condor: You can...ah..put me down, now. And..um..don't call me princess, okay?

Sailor Eagle: Heyyy!! Get your paws off of him!

Sailor Condor: Geez. Get the broomstick out of your butt, Eagle!

Sailor Swan: Umm..Ladies?? The cops??

[The high school. Joe, Ken, and Ryu are standing out in the hallway, holding buckets of water, as Jun walks by]

Jun: What are the three of you doing?

Ken: Miss Ayumi wasn't too amused with our reports on the museum.

Ryu: She said they would have been great if we were in creative writing instead of history.

Joe: I TOLD you we should have lied. Did you listen to me? Nooooo... "we saw the frozen dinosaur. It was big." That's all you had to tell him. Oh, no. "The giant dinosaur came to life and trashed the museum." You fool.

Ken: How was I supposed to know everyone else was going to lie on their reports?

Ryu: Well, we WERE the only ones from class that actually showed up..

Jun: Riiighht. I'll see you guys at lunch..

Joe: Fool.

Ken: Shut up. And keep your grubby little paws off of Purple Tuxedo.

Joe: Whine, whine. Still feeling threatened because I just have better legs?

Ken: Why, I oughta..

Ryu: Guys...

[insert helpful hint of the day here]

Sailor Gatch 5

;)

[a dismally ugly place. The glowing blue chicken hovers before Gel Saban]

Lord X: Reallllyy, Gel Saban. You are *not* doing much better against the Sailor Ninjas than your predecessor.

Gel Saban: Puhleezeee, m'lord. Don't *cancel* me!! I have the ultimate weapon to destroy those Ninja brats once and for all!! Destroy them so completely that people will forget they ever existed!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

[The school gym. Jun and Ken are putting up decorations for the senior dance. The theme? Jungle Love. While Jun puts up streamers and Ken wrestles with the placement of a giant inflatable monkey, Joe amuses himself by setting some of the little paper palm trees on fire]

Ken: Joe, you pyro! Help me with my monkey!!

[Just then, Ryu, Jinpei, and Berg come in carrying tropical plants. They are followed by six manically grinning teens in school uniforms]

Berg: Hi, Jun! I got those plants your ordered..

Jun: [hearts popping up in her eyes] Hiiiii Berg. Did you bring the passion flowers?

Joe: [looking up]Ack! HiBergByeBerg [goes to help Ken with the monkey with a great show of obviousness] LadeedaGottaHelpKenhismonkey.Heh!

Berg: umm..

Ryu: Hey, guys - these are the new transfer students. They offered to help decorate.

Jun: Great! We could use it. Someone want to help with Ken's monkey?

[They all stare at her, still grinning]

Jun: Oh, wait! We haven't even been introduced! I'm Jun Shiratori, the chairperson. The one with the monkey is Ken Oowashi. The pyro helping him is Joe Konduru. That's my little brother Jinpei and that's Ryu Mimizuka. Ohhhhh! And this is Berg. My boyfriend. [she stares viciously at the two girls in the group]

Ken: [from behind the monkey] Your boyfriend????

Berg: uh, heh...I'm not really [Jun jabs him in the ribs] Owww! Uh, Hi.

[The six teens smiles take on an edge of manic perkiness]

Kimberly: Konnichiwaaaa!! I'm Kimberly Hapi!!

Trini: Achppht! I'm Trini Snezi!!

Zack: Hey. I'm Zack Grumpi.

Jason: Yawwwn. Hi! I'm Jason Slepi.

Billy: Greetings! I'm Billy Doci.

Tommy: Hi! I'm Tommy Dopei! Huhhuhuhhuhhuh!

Joe: Hi! I'm getting sick to my stomach!

Kimberly: Ooooooh! This looks like such wholesome fun!!

Tommy: So! Where's the juice bar!?!?

Jun: ah, juice bar? Ryu! Um, did you bring the refreshments?

Ryu: Yep! Here ya go! [he whips out three cans of Hi-C ecto cooler and a tray of odd looking hors d'oevures.] Punch and spam in a blanket!

Ken: Noooo! No spam!!!

Jun: oh. great.

[time passes and the gym gets finished]

Kimberly: Well! Gotta go! See you all at the dance!!!

The other five: Bye-bye!! [they all file out]

Joe: Cripes. I thought they'd never leave.

Ken: Yeah. They give me the creeps.

[the dark and ugly macekverse - six shadowy, stunted figures kneel before Gel Saban - the lead figure appears to be wearing silver lame]

Silver Lame: We await your orders, your maskedship.

Gel Saban: Excellent! First, we flatten those irritating Sailor Ninjas. Second, we take over the earth. Third, we make mcnuggets out of that glowing blue birdbrain and take over the macekverse!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[The senior dance. The gym is filled with preening, formally dressed teenagers. Jun is dragging Berg across the floor to the house version of "Muskrat Love". Ken sits forlornly at a table, watching, while Joe amuses himself further by spiking the punch]

Berg: Whew! Boy-Jun-Am-I-Thirsty! Wow. I-Think-I'm-Going-to-Go-Get-Some-Punch!

Jun: I'll get it for you, Berrrrgg!!

Berg: Nonono! I'll get it. You..you just wait here and look gorgeous!!

Jun: [hearts popping over her head with nuclear intensity] Okay!

Berg: [running over to Ken's table] Jun really wants *you* to dance with her, man.

Ken: uh, really? Okay...

Berg: whew. [skulks over to the punchbowl] Hmmm. I wonder why the punch is smoking? Joe! Hi! How's the ankle?

Joe: AAAHH! BERG! HI! FINE!! Fine. Heh. Yeah. Thanks for asking, *Berg*!

Berg: [picking up a cup of the smoking punch] So, uh, what're you doing over here? I would have thought you'd be beating the girls off of you..[he looks dubiously at the punch and then takes a swig]

Joe: I..I..I.. Like it over here. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, looky! Gotta go to the *men's* room, Berg! Yeah. [runs off]

[just then, the six manic transfer students walk into the gym.]

Trini: achoooo! Look at all these happy teens! Gosh!

Zack: Yeah, whatever.

Tommy: Seems almost a shame we've gotta break it up, but...

The others: IT'S FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!!

[each of them whips out a glowing plant tag]

Tommy: It's Dwarfin' Time!

The others: RIGHT!

Kimberly: Rhododenron!!

Trini: Daffodil!

Billy: Bluebell!

Jason: Azalea!

Zack: Hyacinth!

Tommy: Rubber Tree! Heheheheh.

[there is a brilliant flash of light, transforming them into the diminutive Mauve, Taupe, Aqua, Puce, Charcoal, and Silver Lame Mighty Dwarfin' Flower Arrangers (TM)! The plant decorations begin to come alive as the six midgets posture]

Berg:[staring at the multicolored midgets and the plants creeping across the table] What the hell did Joe dump in the punch? [staring back at his cup]

[the music comes to a crashing halt as a centerpiece strangles the DJ. Just then, Nambu & Impulse come flapping in]

Nambu: oh, no! We're too late!

[the plants entangle everyone in the gym, including the four sailor ninjas as they try to bolt. Berg, however, decides this is all a tripping side effect of whatever Joe put in the punch and crawls under the table to have some more]

[Joe, meanwhile, is hiding in the men's room]

Joe: Oh, God. He knows. He *knows* who I am and he's hitting on me! What do I do??

[There is a peck-peck-pecking at the bathroom door. Quoth the pigeon:]

Nambu: Nevermore

Joe: Nambu! Impulse! I didn't think pigeons used bathrooms. I always thought, you know, you crapped on new cars and statues of dead people.

Nambu: Be quiet!! You're the only one left, Joe!!

Joe: What?

Nambu: The macekverse has sent the mighty dwarfin' flower arrangers (TM) after you kids! Everyone else is trapped!!

Joe: So, essentially, what you're saying is: I gotta put the skirt on again.

Impulse: Yep.

Joe: Cripes. Alright. Condor Power Transvestite Transformation!!

[The by-now-familiar long and revealing transformation sequence takes place. When it finishes, though, one of the doors to a bathroom stall opens, revealing the school's Principal Anderson.]

Condor: *ACK!*

Anderson: Mr. Konduru, I'll have you know that dressing up like a woman is at least four demerits. See me in my office tomorrow. [we walks out of the bathroom and promptly gets eaten by a giant venus fly trap]

Nambu: Sailor Condor! It's up to you!

[Sailor Condor bursts out of the men's room to see the gym overrun by giant plants]

Condor: holeee...hang on, guys!!

Mavue Arranger: Looky!! There's one of the Sailor Ninjas!!

Puce, Aqua, and Charcoal Arrangers: We'll get her!!!

[Berg pokes his head over the table]

Berg: oh, no!! Sailor Condor!

Condor: Flaming Condor Feather Attack!! [the flaming feathers barrage the plants holding the other Sailor Ninjas, releasing them]

[the three brightly colored dwarves posture and then tackle Sailor Condor]

Condor: HEY!! Get offa me, you little latex monsters!!!

Jun: omigod!! Ken! Sailor Condor's getting trashed!

Ken: I know! Isnt it great?

Jun: KEN!

Ken: geez. Alright. Eagle Power Transvestite Transformation!

Jun: Swan Power Transformation!

Jinpei: Swallow Power Transvestite Transformation!

Ryu: Horned Owl Power Transvestite Transformation!

[what follows, as you can well imagine, is an ugly little brawl]

Taupe: Daffodil Pollen Shower!! (A faint yellow haze fills the room)

Swan: Kaff! Kaff! Can't..see!

Silver Lame: Rubber Tree Band Attack! (Rubbery leaves encircle Sailors Eagle and Swallow)

Mauve: Rhododendron Ray Blast! (A beam of garish pink light whomps Sailor Owl)

Condor: Awright!! That's it!! GET THE HELL OFFA ME YOU LITTLE PERVERTS!!

[There is a small explosion in the center of the gym, blowing the three vertically challenged individuals into the ceiling, leavnig a disheveled Sailor Condor getting up in the center of the blast crater.]

Eagle: Can't..breathe..if..only..I..could..get..my..hands..free..

[From across the room, a tulip whizzes past, slicing open the leaves]

Eagle: Purple Tuxedo!!

Tuxedo: Oh..Sailor Eagle..I didn't realize that was you...heh..

Nambu: Sailor Ninjas!! The pollen will cause you to get all stuffy and make your faces swell up!! You must do something!!

Silver Lame: You can't stop us, Sailor Dorks!! It's Plantazord Time!!

Eagle: uh, Platazord? Achhphht!

[The six dwarves run towards eachother]

Silver Lame: Form feet and legs! [Taupe and Aqua run up] Form body and arms! [Puce jumps on their shoulders, while Charcoal and Mauve hang off of him] And I'll form the head!! We are PLANTAZORD!!

Swan: Cough-cough!! You've..you've..hee hee..*got* to be kidding!!

Eagle: Right. I've had just about enough of these little wierdos. Sailor Ninja Power Combine Cheerleader Whirlybird!!

The others: RIGHT!

[They form the classic "whirlwind pyramid" as the stacked and stunted six lumber towards them, brandishing a glowing garden hoe]

Eagle: Sailor Ninja Whirlybird GO!!

[The resulting whirlwind purees the dwarves, weed whacks the plants, and pretty much flattens the gym and everyone in it]

Swan: well, at least we got rid of the pollen.

Eagle: omigod! Purple Tuxedo!!! [she runs over and pulls him out from under the remains of the refreshment table] Speak to me, my love!! You can't die on me!! We're destined to be together!!

Condor: I'm gonna be sick.

Tuxedo: uuhhhh..S..Sailor...

Eagle: He's alive!! He's alive!! Yes, my love??

Tuxedo: S..Sailor..Condor...okay?

Eagle: WHAAAAT? [drops him] Grrrrrrr...

Condor: What? What? Don't look at me like that, chowderhead!

Swan: Now, uh, girls..

[Gel Saban appears, from out of nowhere]

Gel Saban: You ruined my dwarves!! I'll finish you all myself then!!

Eagle: Back off, clown boy! The hussy and I have some unfinished business!!

Swan: uh, girls?? Let's not fight about this right now, okay?

Condor: Nyaaaahhh! Not my fault you're not as cute as I...what am I saying?

Gel Saban: I will *not* be ignored!!

[from out of the shadows steps Zoltarina. She sneaks up behind Gel Saban and produces a large mallet from somewhere, and clubs him over the head]

Zoltarina: That's for trying to take my place, you ugly creep.

Tuxedo: Zoltarina?

Zoltarina: [singsong] Yes, *brother*, it's me. I'm forsaking the dark side. I've had it up to the top of my mask with that lousy blue chicken and his plans for world domination.

Condor: You!! You're the purple bitch who killed my parents!! Left me to be raised by a goddamn talking pigeon!!!

Eagle: Hey, what about me? We have unfinished business!

Condor: Oh, shut up, Eagle! Flaming Condor..

Tuxedo: No!! You can't kill her, Sailor Condor! You'll kill me, too!!

Condor: [long pause] That's okay. Flaming Condor Feather...

Swan: [smacks Sailor Condor on the back of the head] Knock it off! We have work to do..

Condor: Oh, come on, Swan! Can't I fry her? Just a little?

Swan: No.

Condor: Rats.

Swan: You knock it off, too, Sailor Eagle! Now, Zoltarina is going to lead us into the macekverse, and we're going to stop Lord X once and for all, do I make myself clear?

[there is general shrugging all the way around]

Tuxedo: I know you were just kidding, Sailor Condor

Condor: Don't push it Ber..uh..Tuxedo..

[Zoltarina leads them through into that dark and dreary place again. At the end of the great hall, they see Lord X, the giant, glowing blue chicken]

Lord X: HAH! Don't make me laugh!

Eagle: You're birdfood, you putrid poultry! Hit him!! Eagle Scepter Monster Blast Magic!!

Condor: Flaming Condor Feather Attack!!

Swan: Swan Rainbow Ribbon Encircle!!

Owl: Horned Owl Sonic Sumo Stomp!!

[Sailor Swallow wanders off to investigate the dark and dreary tapestries on the walls as the combined attack of the Sailor Ninjas fail to harm the chicken]

Lord X: Bah!! Puny humans! This is all cartoon violence to me!! I will crush you and world domination shall be mine!! [he blasts Sailor Condor and she goes slamming into the wall]

Tuxedo: Condor!!!

Swan: He's too strong!

Eagle: We're gonna die. Purple Tuxedo! Kiss me once before I die?

Tuxedo: Uh, maybe..maybe later, Sailor Eagle...

[they all run up to Sailor Condor]

Eagle: Okay, man, enough kidding around. Get up. Gotta toast the bad guy.

Condor: {kaff-kaff}s'no good. I..I'm done for...

[they all look at eachother]

Tuxedo: Oh, my darling!

Owl: Eagle! If we hurry, maybe Zoltarina can sneak us out and we can get J..Condor to a hospital!

Swan: Eagle!

[Sailor Eagle bends down and lays her eagle scepter on top of Sailor Condor]

Eagle: Condor..I know we five always said we'd be together, but now we four have to go fight the monster because you got your butt kicked. So, hang on to my scepter, as a symbol of our love.

Condor: E..Eagle...c'mere..I..I gotta tell you something..

Eagle: What?

Condor: Bite..me..jerk. [passes out]

Tuxedo: oh, my love...

Eagle: Hah! Just you an me now Tuxie!

[Sailor Swallow wanders off and picks up a corner of the tapestry]

Swallow: Heeyyy..what's this?

Lord X: Pay no attention to the tapestries!! I am your enemy!!

[Swallow pulls the tapestry down, revealing two white lab mice, one is standing on the others shoulders, operating some complicated looking equipment and speaking into a microphone]

Lord X: Pay no attention to those mice!! Face me!!

Pinky: Narf!

Zoltarina: Lab mice? All these years, I've been working for lab mice?

The Brain: We are not ordinary mice! We will..ULMPH....

[Sailor Swallow scoops the mice up in a mason jar]

Swallow: Man, these'll be great for my show and tell...

Pinky: So, Brain, what're we gonna do now?

The Brain: Same thing we do everytime we get captured, Pinky. Plan to take over the universe.

[Everyone laughs.]

Eagle: hokay, hey..Swallow! Go get my scepter and we'll beat it home..

[Sailor Swallow returns with a pair of broken ray-bans and a half-smoked, lipstick stained marlboro. Swallow holds them out]

Eagle: Shit! My scepter! That..that..BITCH!!

Tuxedo: Oh, my love....

Swan: Heyyyy..has anyone seen Zoltarina??

Nambu: Well, kids..you've fulfilled your destiny and defeated the macekverse. Now, you can go back to Earth and be normal teens!

Eagle: But I don't wanna be a normal teen! I want my scepter! MWAHHHHH!!

Nambu: Too late, tut-tut and all that...move along..

Eagle: Butbutbutbut...

{The end?}

Cue theme music:

She is called the shadow that is white Her friends all think she's uptight Leaving a crater after each fight She is the only Sailor Eagle

Perfection she always demands And she starts her day as a man In a fight, she lands on her can! She is the only Sailor....

Sailor Condor! Sailor Swan! Sailor Swallow! Sailor Hootie Owl!

The sailor-suited cutie ninjas! She is the only Sailor Eagle! She is the only Sailor Eagle! She is just...Sailor Eagle!!
~ Table of Contents ~
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