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Lovely Sailor Ninja Gatch 2.5: My Week With Z by Donna Gregory
Lovely Sailor Ninja Gatch 2.5: My Week With Z by Donna Gregory
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[That dark and dreary macekverse again. Zoltarina stalks down a corridor, fuming, shoving green-suited youmagoons aside]

Zoltarina: Arrrgh! They defeated Monster 7. They defeated Monster 1. Think Z! That leering blue chicken is going to put you on permanent hiatus unless you think of something!!! [she starts pulling on the ears of her mask]

Goon 1: um.. Your Purpleness?

Zoltarina: Not now not now...thinkthinkthink...[starts pulling sheets of paper out of a filing cabinet.] There's gotta be *something* in here I can use..no..no..oh cripes, no...

Goon: Your Purpleness?

Zoltarina: AH-HAH! Eeeheeheehee! [she grins evilly at the paper] ohh, yes...

Goon: AHEM!

Zoltarina: WHAT?!?!

Goon: The chicken..uh..Soosai, wants to see you.

Zoltarina: oh. Great.

[the throne room of Lord X. The glowing blue chicken hovers before Zoltarina]

Zoltarina: You..ah..wanted to see me, X-sama?

Lord X: I am very disappointed, Zoltarina. Your productivity is way down. Why have we not yet defeated the Sailor Ninjas and taken over the minds of earth?

Zoltarina: Um, yeah, well, I have fantastic new roboyouma on the drawing board that I know will destroy those sailor ninjas once and for all. Yeppers, I'll get on it right away.

Lord X: Nope.

Zoltarina: Come again? Nope?

Lord X: Nope. I want you to handle this mission personally.

Zoltarina: PERSONALLY?? Butbutbut..I could get hurt! Break a nail...

Lord X: I want results by the end of the week, Zoltarina. Otherwise, you'd better get ready to be playing the tambourine in Josie and the Pussycats.

Zoltarina: EEP! Yessir, X-sama, I'm on my way! Hell, I'm there! Yeppers...

[stalking back down the hallway]

Zoltarina: You! Goon!

Goon 1: Yes, your purpleness?

Zoltarina: Start work on the new monsters and pack my bags: I'm off to the earth.

[the high school. It's Monday morning and kids are filing in. Zoltarina watches from behind a tree]

Zoltarina: Alrighty, then. Those rotten Sailor Ninjas are high school kids. I'll just infiltrate the school and my new creations will draw them out!! HAH! I just may be a genius after all!

Jun: Jinpei, shoo! You go to the Little Duck Elementary School, remember?

Jinpei: Awww, onechan..

Jun: Get lost, spud!

Ken: would you, um, like me to carry your bookbag, Jun?

Jun: God, no, Ken. Why would I?

Ken: never mind. I bet you'd let Berg carry your books.

Jun: Berg.

Joe: Come on, meatball head. I don't wanna end up in detention again because you made us late..

Ken: oh, like you can't end up there on your own, mister-I-set-the-dumpster-on-fire..

Joe: Dweeb. Last one in is a big loser!

Ryu: That'd be you [Ken, Joe and Ryu race off]

Jun: Boys. They are such little boys.

[From behind the tree, out pops a pretty blond girl in a school uniform, with an obvious "z" pendant]

Zea: OHAYO!!

Jun: Ack!

Zea: So sorry to scare you! I'm Zea Katz, a sophomore and, well, lost!

Jun: Oh, ah, I'm Jun Shiratori. I'm a sophomore too. I'll show you around!

Zea: Great! {Ah-hah! Shiratori, eh? She could be Sailor Swan! Five minutes and already..! I AM a genius!!}

[they wander in after the late bell and promptly get detention. Later that day, in detention..]

Zea: Gosh, Jun. I'm sooo sorry I made you late..

Jun: It's okay. Oh, I see you guys got detention anyway..This is Zea. She's new.

Ryu: [looking glassy eyed] Hi, Zea. You're pretty as a doughnut. I'm Ryu.

Zea: uhhh..

Ken: Hmph. It's all Joe's fault. If *he* hadn't dumped chow mein on my head at lunch.. [he brightens] Hi, Zea! I'm Ken.

Joe: It's your fault for being such a whiner..

Zea [hearts popping up around her] oohhh!

Jun: um, Zea? You okay?

Zea: Who is that?

Jun: [looking around] Who?

Zea: Him! He's...He's...Drrreammyy!

Jun: uh, Joe? You're talking about...Joe?

Zea: *Joe*

Joe: uh, Hi?

[after school, they head for the ice cream shop. Zea follows behind Joe, hearts streaming out behind her. Berg is setting some flowers outside the shop]

Joe: um, Zea? Could you..maybe..stop staring at me like that?

Zea: Like what, *Joe*?

Joe: Like I'm a side of sirloin?

Jun: OOOooohhhh!! Look!! There's Berg!! Hiiiiiii Berg!!!

Joe: ohno. Berg. Uh..

Ken: Yippee. It's Berg. "ohh Berrrrrgggg!!"

Jun: Grrrrrr! Shut up, *Ken.*

[Ryu and Jinpei stare at eachother and shrug, while Zea peeks around Joe]

Zea: {Omigod. *He's* here. SHIT!} uh, gotta go! Bye! [takes off]

Joe: Zea?

Jinpei: Well, I'm glad she's gone. Girls are gross, eh, aniki?

Joe: [scratching his head] well, maybe not gross...a little scary, maybe...but definetly *not* gross..

Berg: Hi guys! Long time, no see! J..urk!

Jun: Hiiiiiii Bergg!! [grabs his arm, hearts everywhere]

[down the street, Zea is walking away]

Zea: Damnit!! What is *he* doing here? I thought Lord X had gotten *rid* of him....

Goon 1: Boo.

Zea: EEEYAAAGH! Don't!Do!That! [she grabs the goon by the neck and starts to bobble his head back and forth]

Goon: URK!

Zea: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?

Goon: urk..yer..urk..monsturk..ish done..urk...

[she lets go]

Zea: Excellent. I do believe I've discovered Sailor Swan. I haven't found the others yet, though. I must do more...research ...yeah...

Goon: what about the Smur...urk!

Zea: Shhhh!!! Don't say their names!! Prepare them to move on my orders, not before...

Goon: urk.

[Tuesday. The boy's locker room. More specifically - the showers]

Ken: You didn't have to hit me so hard with the ball, y'know..

Joe: Whine, whine, whine...

Zea: OHAYO!! [there is the bright flash from a camera]

Joe: AAAAAAIIIIIGGHH! Get Out!! Get OUT!!

[Wednesday: auto shop]

Instructor Racer: Alright you slackers, open up the hoods of your cars. Today we're working on the carburetors.

[Joe opens up the hood and leans in]

Zea: OHAYO!

Joe: (CLANG! WHACK!) OWWWFUCK!! Get OUT!!!

[Thursday. Lunch.]

Ryu: Oh, man. Who let Nambu make the lunches, again?

Jun: well, it *was* Jinpei's turn...

Joe: Goddammit! Suet and birdseed sushi rolls?

Ryu: I guess we should be glad it's not popcorn and stale bread again....

Ken: Suddenly, I'm not that hungry.

Zea: HELLO!!

Joe: Ack!

Zea: Brought you lu-u-unch!!

[Ryu starts to drool]

Joe: um. Thanks.

Zea: oh, look at the time. Gotta go!

Ryu: you're not gonna eat all that by yourself, are you, Joe?

[ Zea pops into the ladies room and is checking her hair when the Goon pops his head out of a stall.]

Zea: AHHH!!! }WHACK{ Don't do that!!

Goon: By Dose! Yew boke by dose!

Zea: Oh, for Soosai's sake... it's not broken, you big baby! What do do want, anyway?

Goon: Lawd X wants to know how youw wesearch is gowing..youw puhpleness.. He sez he's got youw tambowine weady...

Zea: Urgh...Fine. It's none of your business..

Goon: Hawe yew gowt some notes?

Zea: Cripes! Here! Geez...

Goon: Who's Jow?

Zea: Jow? What..

Goon: Wid alla th' witte hahts ..

Zea: Gimme that back you green moron!! Do *you* want to be the roboyouma's first victim???

Goon: uh, no.

Zea: Right, then. Now you tell Lord X that I believe this girl Jun is Sailor Swan. If she's in danger, I'm certain the other Sailor Ninja geeks'll come running...

Goon: Sow I can actifate th' smur..mmmmfff!!

Zea: Shhhh!! Yes. Just..just don't say it, okay?

Goon: mmmfff!

[She intercepts the gang leaving school]

Zea: Hi guys! Hi *Joe*!

Jun: Oh, Hi, Zea..

Joe: umm..hi?

Zea: Jun! You gotta come with me! I have to show you something soooooo coool!! It's like.. this dress..

Jun: um, okay...

[Zea leads Jun off]

Ryu: Man. I just don't get girls...

Joe: Bathing might help with that problem.

[further away]

Jun: Zea? I don't think this is the way to the mall...

Zea: How right you are.. Goon!!

Jun: huh?

[Ken, Joe and Ryu are still standing around, when Jinpei comes up, followed by the pigeons]

Ken: Ah, there's someone we all want to talk to..

Joe: C'mere ya little rodent.

Jinpei: Guys! Guys! Come on, now..

Ryu: What's the big idea about lunch...

Nambu: There was something wrong with lunch?

Joe: Suet and Birdseed!! That's fucking bird food!!!

Nambu: And? Listen, we don't have time to hear you three whine about lunch. The macekverse is on the move again. Impulse and I have sensed a great disturbance in the force...

Ryu: huh?

Nambu: Never mind! You must transform..uh..where's Jun?

Ken: Oh, she went off with the new girl at school, Zea. She'll be okay.

Joe: maybe the macekverse is just..passing through...

Ken: what, are you afraid?

Joe: *no*, I'm not *afraid*..I just don'twannaputtheskirtonagain..

Ken: I can't heeeaaarr you! Eagle Power Transvestite Transformation!!

Ryu: Horned Owl Power Transvestite Transformation!!

Jinpei: Swallow Power Transvestite Transformation!!

Joe: Oh, come on!! Don't make me beg..

Nambu: SHUT UP AND TRANSFORM!!

Joe: @#$%*~@! Condor Power Transvestite Transformation Godamnit Already!!

[when the transformation is complete, our Sailor Ninjas hear a piercing shriek]

Eagle: Omigod.. That sounded like Jun...

Swallow: Yeah. She sounded like that when I put the worms in her bed..

Nambu: Will you four get going???

[They run up to find Jun tied to a tree]

Eagle: Jun!! Are you okay??

Jun: mrrrfff! MFFF!! MFFF!!

Eagle: What? I..I don't understand..

Condor: Oh, for God's sake, Sailor Eagle. You are such a ninny.. Take the gag off!

Eagle: Oh. Yeah. Right.

Jun: It was horrible.. There were these little blue things..

Condor: What? Hey, where's Zea?

Jun: I dunno...

Owl: What little blue things?

[There is a rustling in the shrubbery and a piping little song rings out:

LaLa LaLaLaLa La LaLa La LAAAA!!

Condor: What the hell is that?

Eagle: It almost sounds like.. No, it..it couldn't be...

Jun: Oh, shit. Swan Power Transformation!!!

Owl: I see something blue...

Eagle: Just stay quiet and still. Maybe they won't notice us...

Swallow: HEY! THESE THINGS LOOK LIKE SMURFS!

Everyone Else: EEEAIIIGH!

[a horde, a swarm, a vertible blue tide in tiny galactor-style goon suits sweeps out from the bushes, singing in tiny little voices that sound for all the world like nails on a chalkboard]

Condor: Noooo!! I haaaaaate Smurfs!!!

[the smurfulions swarm around the Sailor Ninjas]

Smurfs: OOOOOO! Pretty Girls!! Heeeyy Baybee!! {SMOOCH}

Swallow: urgh. Please..make them stop..

Smurf: Ooh! Baby! Nice Boots!!

[a couple of them attach themselves to Sailor Condor's legs]

Condor: Criiiiiipess!!! Geddemoffame!!!

Smurf (another one): Wanna come back to my mushroom, sexy?

Swan: Agghh!! Get off, you little bastard!!

Eagle: Right. That's it. Eagle Scepter Monster Blast Magic! [nothing happens] NANI?!?!?!?

Nambu: They're...they're too...CUTE!! The scepter won't work!!

[From up in a tree is a maniacial giggle]

Zoltarina: Eeeheeheehee!! Right you are, birdbrain!! They're terminally Kawai!!! You Sailor Dorks are finished!!

Eagle: Oh, shit.

Smurf (yet another): Sexy Momma!!

Eagle: Die! (THWACK) Die! (WHAP!) Die! (SCHPLAT!) Huh, the scepter DOES work after all...

Smurf (you get the idea) Ooh! I like my women..meaty!!

Owl: Get Away!! (STOMP! STOMP) Oh, gross. This is never gonna come out...

Swallow: I..I can't take it..They're making..uck..me sick to my stomach...

[just then, a tulip streaks out of the trees, impaling a smurf]

Eagle: Purple Tuxedo!! [hearts spring up in her eyes]

Zoltarina: Oh, for crying out loud...

Tuxedo: Have no fear, Ninjas! I am immune to these sickeningly kawai little perverts!!

[He leaps from the tree. As he lands, a grating little female voice, sort of like a poodle being goosed, pipes up]

Smurfette: You are jes' the cutest little thang..

Tuxedo: AAAAAIIIIIGGGGHHHH!!!

Condor: GEDDEMOFFAME!!!! I CAN'T STAND THESE FUCKING SMURFS!!!!!! I.. I..

Swan: Oh, no...Sailor Eagle? I think...

Eagle: Oh SHIT! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!

[There is a rather large explosion, flattening the surrounding trees. When the smoke clears, the Sailor ninjas, Purple tuxedo, Zoltarina, and the Goon are laying on the ground, looking dazed and a little burnt around the edges. The once wooded area is littered with smoking smurf remains. In the center of this carnage is Sailor Condor]

Condor: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That'll show you..ya little bastards... THUD!

[Friday morning: on the way to school]

Joe: I can't believe you let those macekverse creeps get away..

Ken: Well, *Gee*, Joe..maybe if *someone* hadn't turned into a big baby and tried to barbeque everyone..

Jun: guys...

Joe: BAH! You're just jealous because *I* stopped the little fuckers.

Ken: yeah, then your sorry ass passed out on us..

Jun: Guys?

Joe: Whine, whine, whine..

Jun: GUYS!

Ryu: Well, *I* was listening to you, Jun..

Joe: what?

Jun: Do you guys think Zea had anything to do with those smur..

Ken: Don't say it..

Joe: I certainly don't think she did..

Jinpei: I never liked her anyway, always drooling over Joe..

Jun: What is the matter with you? She lured me into the woods and those things..

Zea: OHAYO!!

Jun: Aiii! Zea! Why, how...nice to see you!! Yeah..

Zea: I'm sooo glad I found you guys! I'm, uh, moving again, so I guess this is uhh..

Joe: You're..leaving?

[Zea gives him a bone-crushing hug and a kiss, waves to the others and runs off, dropping her notebook]

Joe: [looking down at the little hearts all over the notebook] She really did like me..

Ken: Awwww! Joe's gotta girlfriend..

Joe: Shut up, man..

Ken: Joey's gotta a girlfweind...

Joe: Awright, *That's* it...

Jun: guys..

[The macekverse: Zoltarina is laying on a couch, staring at a photo]

Goon: your purpleness?

Zoltarina (siiiighh) Y-e-e-s?

Goon: Lord X said he's not going to send you down to Josie and the Pussycats.. yet..

Zoltarina: (siiighhh) that's nice....isn't life great? [she kisses the picture]

Goon: Your purpleness? Are you..feeling alright?

(Fini)
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