[That dark and dreary macekverse again. Zoltarina stalks down a corridor, fuming, shoving green-suited youmagoons aside]
Zoltarina: Arrrgh! They defeated Monster 7. They defeated Monster 1. Think Z! That leering blue chicken is going to put you on permanent hiatus unless you think of something!!! [she starts pulling on the ears of her mask]
Goon 1: um.. Your Purpleness?
Zoltarina: Not now not now...thinkthinkthink...[starts pulling sheets of paper out of a filing cabinet.] There's gotta be *something* in here I can use..no..no..oh cripes, no...
Goon: Your Purpleness?
Zoltarina: AH-HAH! Eeeheeheehee! [she grins evilly at the paper] ohh, yes...
Goon: AHEM!
Zoltarina: WHAT?!?!
Goon: The chicken..uh..Soosai, wants to see you.
Zoltarina: oh. Great.
[the throne room of Lord X. The glowing blue chicken hovers before Zoltarina]
Zoltarina: You..ah..wanted to see me, X-sama?
Lord X: I am very disappointed, Zoltarina. Your productivity is way down. Why have we not yet defeated the Sailor Ninjas and taken over the minds of earth?
Zoltarina: Um, yeah, well, I have fantastic new roboyouma on the drawing board that I know will destroy those sailor ninjas once and for all. Yeppers, I'll get on it right away.
Lord X: Nope.
Zoltarina: Come again? Nope?
Lord X: Nope. I want you to handle this mission personally.
Zoltarina: PERSONALLY?? Butbutbut..I could get hurt! Break a nail...
Lord X: I want results by the end of the week, Zoltarina. Otherwise, you'd better get ready to be playing the tambourine in Josie and the Pussycats.
Zoltarina: EEP! Yessir, X-sama, I'm on my way! Hell, I'm there! Yeppers...
[stalking back down the hallway]
Zoltarina: You! Goon!
Goon 1: Yes, your purpleness?
Zoltarina: Start work on the new monsters and pack my bags: I'm off to the earth.
[the high school. It's Monday morning and kids are filing in. Zoltarina watches from behind a tree]
Zoltarina: Alrighty, then. Those rotten Sailor Ninjas are high school kids. I'll just infiltrate the school and my new creations will draw them out!! HAH! I just may be a genius after all!
Jun: Jinpei, shoo! You go to the Little Duck Elementary School, remember?
Jinpei: Awww, onechan..
Jun: Get lost, spud!
Ken: would you, um, like me to carry your bookbag, Jun?
Jun: God, no, Ken. Why would I?
Ken: never mind. I bet you'd let Berg carry your books.
Jun: Berg.
Joe: Come on, meatball head. I don't wanna end up in detention again because you made us late..
Ken: oh, like you can't end up there on your own, mister-I-set-the-dumpster-on-fire..
Joe: Dweeb. Last one in is a big loser!
Ryu: That'd be you [Ken, Joe and Ryu race off]
Jun: Boys. They are such little boys.
[From behind the tree, out pops a pretty blond girl in a school uniform, with an obvious "z" pendant]
Zea: OHAYO!!
Jun: Ack!
Zea: So sorry to scare you! I'm Zea Katz, a sophomore and, well, lost!
Jun: Oh, ah, I'm Jun Shiratori. I'm a sophomore too. I'll show you around!
Zea: Great! {Ah-hah! Shiratori, eh? She could be Sailor Swan! Five minutes and already..! I AM a genius!!}
[they wander in after the late bell and promptly get detention. Later that day, in detention..]
Zea: Gosh, Jun. I'm sooo sorry I made you late..
Jun: It's okay. Oh, I see you guys got detention anyway..This is Zea. She's new.
Ryu: [looking glassy eyed] Hi, Zea. You're pretty as a doughnut. I'm Ryu.
Zea: uhhh..
Ken: Hmph. It's all Joe's fault. If *he* hadn't dumped chow mein on my head at lunch.. [he brightens] Hi, Zea! I'm Ken.
Joe: It's your fault for being such a whiner..
Zea [hearts popping up around her] oohhh!
Jun: um, Zea? You okay?
Zea: Who is that?
Jun: [looking around] Who?
Zea: Him! He's...He's...Drrreammyy!
Jun: uh, Joe? You're talking about...Joe?
Zea: *Joe*
Joe: uh, Hi?
[after school, they head for the ice cream shop. Zea follows behind Joe, hearts streaming out behind her. Berg is setting some flowers outside the shop]
Joe: um, Zea? Could you..maybe..stop staring at me like that?
Zea: Like what, *Joe*?
Joe: Like I'm a side of sirloin?
Jun: OOOooohhhh!! Look!! There's Berg!! Hiiiiiii Berg!!!
Joe: ohno. Berg. Uh..
Ken: Yippee. It's Berg. "ohh Berrrrrgggg!!"
Jun: Grrrrrr! Shut up, *Ken.*
[Ryu and Jinpei stare at eachother and shrug, while Zea peeks around Joe]
Zea: {Omigod. *He's* here. SHIT!} uh, gotta go! Bye! [takes off]
Joe: Zea?
Jinpei: Well, I'm glad she's gone. Girls are gross, eh, aniki?
Joe: [scratching his head] well, maybe not gross...a little scary, maybe...but definetly *not* gross..
Berg: Hi guys! Long time, no see! J..urk!
Jun: Hiiiiiii Bergg!! [grabs his arm, hearts everywhere]
[down the street, Zea is walking away]
Zea: Damnit!! What is *he* doing here? I thought Lord X had gotten *rid* of him....
Goon 1: Boo.
Zea: EEEYAAAGH! Don't!Do!That! [she grabs the goon by the neck and starts to bobble his head back and forth]
Goon: URK!
Zea: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?
Goon: urk..yer..urk..monsturk..ish done..urk...
[she lets go]
Zea: Excellent. I do believe I've discovered Sailor Swan. I haven't found the others yet, though. I must do more...research ...yeah...
Goon: what about the Smur...urk!
Zea: Shhhh!!! Don't say their names!! Prepare them to move on my orders, not before...
Goon: urk.
[Tuesday. The boy's locker room. More specifically - the showers]
Ken: You didn't have to hit me so hard with the ball, y'know..
Joe: Whine, whine, whine...
Zea: OHAYO!! [there is the bright flash from a camera]
Joe: AAAAAAIIIIIGGHH! Get Out!! Get OUT!!
[Wednesday: auto shop]
Instructor Racer: Alright you slackers, open up the hoods of your cars. Today we're working on the carburetors.
[Joe opens up the hood and leans in]
Zea: OHAYO!
Joe: (CLANG! WHACK!) OWWWFUCK!! Get OUT!!!
[Thursday. Lunch.]
Ryu: Oh, man. Who let Nambu make the lunches, again?
Jun: well, it *was* Jinpei's turn...
Joe: Goddammit! Suet and birdseed sushi rolls?
Ryu: I guess we should be glad it's not popcorn and stale bread again....
Ken: Suddenly, I'm not that hungry.
Zea: HELLO!!
Joe: Ack!
Zea: Brought you lu-u-unch!!
[Ryu starts to drool]
Joe: um. Thanks.
Zea: oh, look at the time. Gotta go!
Ryu: you're not gonna eat all that by yourself, are you, Joe?
[ Zea pops into the ladies room and is checking her hair when the Goon pops his head out of a stall.]
Zea: AHHH!!! }WHACK{ Don't do that!!
Goon: By Dose! Yew boke by dose!
Zea: Oh, for Soosai's sake... it's not broken, you big baby! What do do want, anyway?
Goon: Lawd X wants to know how youw wesearch is gowing..youw puhpleness.. He sez he's got youw tambowine weady...
Zea: Urgh...Fine. It's none of your business..
Goon: Hawe yew gowt some notes?
Zea: Cripes! Here! Geez...
Goon: Who's Jow?
Zea: Jow? What..
Goon: Wid alla th' witte hahts ..
Zea: Gimme that back you green moron!! Do *you* want to be the roboyouma's first victim???
Goon: uh, no.
Zea: Right, then. Now you tell Lord X that I believe this girl Jun is Sailor Swan. If she's in danger, I'm certain the other Sailor Ninja geeks'll come running...
Goon: Sow I can actifate th' smur..mmmmfff!!
Zea: Shhhh!! Yes. Just..just don't say it, okay?
Goon: mmmfff!
[She intercepts the gang leaving school]
Zea: Hi guys! Hi *Joe*!
Jun: Oh, Hi, Zea..
Joe: umm..hi?
Zea: Jun! You gotta come with me! I have to show you something soooooo coool!! It's like.. this dress..
Jun: um, okay...
[Zea leads Jun off]
Ryu: Man. I just don't get girls...
Joe: Bathing might help with that problem.
[further away]
Jun: Zea? I don't think this is the way to the mall...
Zea: How right you are.. Goon!!
Jun: huh?
[Ken, Joe and Ryu are still standing around, when Jinpei comes up, followed by the pigeons]
Ken: Ah, there's someone we all want to talk to..
Joe: C'mere ya little rodent.
Jinpei: Guys! Guys! Come on, now..
Ryu: What's the big idea about lunch...
Nambu: There was something wrong with lunch?
Joe: Suet and Birdseed!! That's fucking bird food!!!
Nambu: And? Listen, we don't have time to hear you three whine about lunch. The macekverse is on the move again. Impulse and I have sensed a great disturbance in the force...
Ryu: huh?
Nambu: Never mind! You must transform..uh..where's Jun?
Ken: Oh, she went off with the new girl at school, Zea. She'll be okay.
Joe: maybe the macekverse is just..passing through...
Ken: what, are you afraid?
Joe: *no*, I'm not *afraid*..I just don'twannaputtheskirtonagain..
Ken: I can't heeeaaarr you! Eagle Power Transvestite Transformation!!
Ryu: Horned Owl Power Transvestite Transformation!!
Jinpei: Swallow Power Transvestite Transformation!!
Joe: Oh, come on!! Don't make me beg..
Nambu: SHUT UP AND TRANSFORM!!
Joe: @#$%*~@! Condor Power Transvestite Transformation Godamnit Already!!
[when the transformation is complete, our Sailor Ninjas hear a piercing shriek]
Eagle: Omigod.. That sounded like Jun...
Swallow: Yeah. She sounded like that when I put the worms in her bed..
Nambu: Will you four get going???
[They run up to find Jun tied to a tree]
Eagle: Jun!! Are you okay??
Jun: mrrrfff! MFFF!! MFFF!!
Eagle: What? I..I don't understand..
Condor: Oh, for God's sake, Sailor Eagle. You are such a ninny.. Take the gag off!
Eagle: Oh. Yeah. Right.
Jun: It was horrible.. There were these little blue things..
Condor: What? Hey, where's Zea?
Jun: I dunno...
Owl: What little blue things?
[There is a rustling in the shrubbery and a piping little song rings out:
LaLa LaLaLaLa La LaLa La LAAAA!!
Condor: What the hell is that?
Eagle: It almost sounds like.. No, it..it couldn't be...
Jun: Oh, shit. Swan Power Transformation!!!
Owl: I see something blue...
Eagle: Just stay quiet and still. Maybe they won't notice us...
Swallow: HEY! THESE THINGS LOOK LIKE SMURFS!
Everyone Else: EEEAIIIGH!
[a horde, a swarm, a vertible blue tide in tiny galactor-style goon suits sweeps out from the bushes, singing in tiny little voices that sound for all the world like nails on a chalkboard]
Condor: Noooo!! I haaaaaate Smurfs!!!
[the smurfulions swarm around the Sailor Ninjas]
Smurfs: OOOOOO! Pretty Girls!! Heeeyy Baybee!! {SMOOCH}
Swallow: urgh. Please..make them stop..
Smurf: Ooh! Baby! Nice Boots!!
[a couple of them attach themselves to Sailor Condor's legs]
Condor: Criiiiiipess!!! Geddemoffame!!!
Smurf (another one): Wanna come back to my mushroom, sexy?
Swan: Agghh!! Get off, you little bastard!!
Eagle: Right. That's it. Eagle Scepter Monster Blast Magic! [nothing happens] NANI?!?!?!?
Nambu: They're...they're too...CUTE!! The scepter won't work!!
[From up in a tree is a maniacial giggle]
Zoltarina: Eeeheeheehee!! Right you are, birdbrain!! They're terminally Kawai!!! You Sailor Dorks are finished!!
Eagle: Oh, shit.
Smurf (yet another): Sexy Momma!!
Eagle: Die! (THWACK) Die! (WHAP!) Die! (SCHPLAT!) Huh, the scepter DOES work after all...
Smurf (you get the idea) Ooh! I like my women..meaty!!
Owl: Get Away!! (STOMP! STOMP) Oh, gross. This is never gonna come out...
Swallow: I..I can't take it..They're making..uck..me sick to my stomach...
[just then, a tulip streaks out of the trees, impaling a smurf]
Eagle: Purple Tuxedo!! [hearts spring up in her eyes]
Zoltarina: Oh, for crying out loud...
Tuxedo: Have no fear, Ninjas! I am immune to these sickeningly kawai little perverts!!
[He leaps from the tree. As he lands, a grating little female voice, sort of like a poodle being goosed, pipes up]
Smurfette: You are jes' the cutest little thang..
Tuxedo: AAAAAIIIIIGGGGHHHH!!!
Condor: GEDDEMOFFAME!!!! I CAN'T STAND THESE FUCKING SMURFS!!!!!! I.. I..
Swan: Oh, no...Sailor Eagle? I think...
Eagle: Oh SHIT! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
[There is a rather large explosion, flattening the surrounding trees. When the smoke clears, the Sailor ninjas, Purple tuxedo, Zoltarina, and the Goon are laying on the ground, looking dazed and a little burnt around the edges. The once wooded area is littered with smoking smurf remains. In the center of this carnage is Sailor Condor]
Condor: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That'll show you..ya little bastards... THUD!
[Friday morning: on the way to school]
Joe: I can't believe you let those macekverse creeps get away..
Ken: Well, *Gee*, Joe..maybe if *someone* hadn't turned into a big baby and tried to barbeque everyone..
Jun: guys...
Joe: BAH! You're just jealous because *I* stopped the little fuckers.
Ken: yeah, then your sorry ass passed out on us..
Jun: Guys?
Joe: Whine, whine, whine..
Jun: GUYS!
Ryu: Well, *I* was listening to you, Jun..
Joe: what?
Jun: Do you guys think Zea had anything to do with those smur..
Ken: Don't say it..
Joe: I certainly don't think she did..
Jinpei: I never liked her anyway, always drooling over Joe..
Jun: What is the matter with you? She lured me into the woods and those things..
Zea: OHAYO!!
Jun: Aiii! Zea! Why, how...nice to see you!! Yeah..
Zea: I'm sooo glad I found you guys! I'm, uh, moving again, so I guess this is uhh..
Joe: You're..leaving?
[Zea gives him a bone-crushing hug and a kiss, waves to the others and runs off, dropping her notebook]
Joe: [looking down at the little hearts all over the notebook] She really did like me..
Ken: Awwww! Joe's gotta girlfriend..
Joe: Shut up, man..
Ken: Joey's gotta a girlfweind...
Joe: Awright, *That's* it...
Jun: guys..
[The macekverse: Zoltarina is laying on a couch, staring at a photo]
Goon: your purpleness?
Zoltarina (siiiighh) Y-e-e-s?
Goon: Lord X said he's not going to send you down to Josie and the Pussycats.. yet..
Zoltarina: (siiighhh) that's nice....isn't life great? [she kisses the picture]
Goon: Your purpleness? Are you..feeling alright?
(Fini)
