I sit on the stairs to the lifeguard tower on the beach. It is past midnight and I am sitting here alone so I can think. Sometimes it is hard to say how I feel even when I want to because of who I am. A flash of lightning feels the sky briefly illuminating the deserted beach. The storm was approaching the shore but it was nothing to the already raging storm inside me.
Ever since I was young I was expected to be strong, I have only ever cried in public a handful of times and they were when I was a child. I sometimes wonder why I was chosen to do the job I do, why I was given this responsibility and why I have to hold so many lives in my hands.
Duty has been the curse of my family for so long and it has always cost my family so much. My father was not with my mother when she died because of it, my father dies because of it, is the same fate waiting for me? But of course I already know the answer to that question.
The thunder draws closer and I yell into its booming voice “I hate duty!”
I punch the wooden posts at my side hoping to feel something, anything is better than the nothingness I portray most of the time. Just once I want to let my feelings out, be able to express them without fear of the consequences. Just once I want a normal life, where I am not sending the woman I love to her death. Is that so much to ask?
The rain pours down soaking me and I let the pent up frustration overflow to tears. This war has cost me so much and it seems never ending. There are times I wish I could just walk away and be free of this obligation that binds me to this life. Bit by bit our humanity is taken, Joe is now a cyborg and distances himself from the team. Ryu and Jinpei, I look at them and see the tiredness in their eyes. Then there is Jun, the woman I love more than my own life. This war has taken a toll on her in so many ways. She is the heart and soul of our team and when I look at her now I see the lines of fatigue, the weariness or this almost continuous fight, getting to her.
I can not let this continue any longer, it must end, for them as much as anyone, this has to finish. I am soaked through now, screaming in frustration into the thunder. I fall into the wet sand exhausted as the rain dies down and the storm moves away. Dry sobs still racking my body. I pound my fists weakly into the sand until I don’t have the energy anymore. I look up to the pole star, bright in the sky.
“Why? Why must we live like this? “
It is barely a whisper because that is all I can manage. I position myself into a more comfortable sitting position and take a deep breath, calming myself. For now the storm has passed and once again my feelings must b kept deep within.
I dream of a day when that will not be necessary, where the beep of my communicator wont wake me in the early hours so that I can hear more tales of death and destruction. Maybe some day my prayer will be answered, as if in response my communicator beeps and I respond.
At least now I have my answer, this is to be my life until the day my life ends.