We open our show out in the sticks and with the Japanese Narrator. I capitalize those words because now, Gatchaman, has been released on DVD in its own box set, complete with both the subtitled versions we're all used to seeing from the previous Rhino box sets, and the dubbed version with its own American Narrator, who shouts out the title of every episode with much gusto. There is no title shouting, much less shouting with gusto, in the Japanese with English subtitled version.

Anyway, our Friendly Japanese Narrator, informs us that in the nation of Ameris (yes, that's what they call it on this show), the most famous nature park is Bluestone National Park, which has a hot spring as it's major tourist attraction. Obviously they're talking about America and the famous Yellowstone National Park , which has the geyser Old Faithful as its major tourist attraction.

But Bluestone National Park has another famous attraction. One of its mountains has the faces of some of its Presidents carved into it. In reality, for those who aren't American, the national park with the geyser in it and the mountain with the President's faces carved into it are two entirely different national monuments that are hundreds of miles apart from each other but in neighboring states.

As the narrator is explaining this, we see a familiar looking mountain that vaguely resembles a famous American landmark. I can see three Presidents that sort of resemble George Washington (President #1 and the Father of Our Country and General during the American Revolution), Thomas Jefferson (Author of the Declaration of Independence, President #3 who bought Lousiana and a bunch of other land from Napoleon Bonaparte, who probably thought he was screwing over TJ on this land deal), and Abraham Lincoln (President #16 who wrote the Gettysburg Address and the Emancipation Proclamation and freed the slaves). But I'm not sure exactly who the fourth President is. The fourth guy, who is in Lincoln's spot, doesn't look like Teddy Roosevelt (President #26 who walked softly and carried a large stick, who rode with the Rough Riders, and who had teddy bears named after him), who should be in Lincoln's spot. I don't even know who that fourth guy is.

Well, our ever helpful Narrator informs us that the fourth guy on the mountain is Christ.

Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Christ. As in Jesus Christ, Son of God. Christ as in Jesus H. Christ as in Jesus Christ, Superstar.

Great. Now I've got that song stuck in my head. Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!/Who are you/what have you/sacrificed?

I guess in this fictitious country of Ameris, the Religious Right runs the place and they obliterated Theodore Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore and put Jesus in his place.  So I guess that means in Battle of the Planets, that giant lava hippie was actually Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. That giant lava man was actually a Giant Lava Jesus .

If you're one of those people who thought that Monty Python's Life of Brian was blasphemous, then it's time to leave.

If you're one of those sick monkeys like myself who thought that Life of Brian was hella funny, then read on!

The narrator tells us that the work has been done by three generations of one family. We see a blonde girl rappelling down Jesus' face. When she reaches the bottom she tells the spirit of her grandfather that the Giant Jesus sculpture is complete. Next, she says, she wants to add Mary, and I'm assuming she means Mary, Jesus' mother and not, say, Mary Tyler Moore, Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, Mary, Queen of Scots, or some other Famous Mary. Then she leaves and Jesus' eyes start glowing and then we cut away to a volcano.

Meanwhile, says the Narrator, on a small volcanic island, ISO's volcanic research center is working on the Mantle Project, which is supposed to come up with non-polluting energy sources and turn poisonous gases into fresh air. We see this industrial park/oil refinery type place. Then we see a guy going to the window and he remarks that their work is almost complete, which means, naturally, that Galactor is going to show up and trash all of their hard work. The guy's assistant says that they still need to get pipelines to all the schools and hospitals in all the polluted cities and the first guy says they should get to it right away. Which of course means...

We cut to Sosai X, a.k.a the Big Blue Chicken, who is telling Berg Katse, a.k.a The Purple Doberman on Speed, everything that is mentioned in the previous paragraph. Sosai doesn't like the idea of turning poisonous gas into fresh air, so he tells Berg Katse that he should destroy ISO's hard work with the Magma Giant.

Personally, I think Sosai is just jealous because he didn't think of that idea first and he's having a snit and wants it destroyed, but that's just my own humble little opinion. Of course Katse does Sosai X's bidding.

Of course.

Katse pushes a button and then President Christ's head gets sucked into the mountain.

If this park is called Bluestone Park does this mean that the mountain with the Presidents' faces on it is called Mount Rushless? Mount Meandermore?

Just asking. ;-)

Anyway...President Christ's head is sucked into the mountain and then some black smoke or dark clouds or something shows up. We then are taken to where this pipeline is being constructed. This of course means...

A volcano erupts! The two guys from earlier are supervising the construction of the pipeline and one of them says not to worry because there is a trench. Then the ground starts to shake which means...

Up from the depths! Thirty Stories High! Breathing Fire! His head in the Sky!

(Five points to whoever can guess what show the previous line came from)

It's Lava Jesus!

Lava Jesus emerges from the volcano with his fist thrusting triumphantly in the air (like he just don't care). Then he comes out of the volcano and strikes a pose. Then he gets to it and trashes ISO's volcano research center. Of course people run away and scream in panic from the Lava Jesus, who I'm sure only wants to just minister to these people.

The two guys at the window run away because the trench is useless now which means...

Lava Jesus does more rampaging and there are bits that were cut out of BoTP. I mentioned in that review that I hoped that the Giant Lava Hippie/Jesus guy was wearing a giant Lava Loincloth. I sure hope that's what I see now, because in this, the director's cut, Lava Jesus is apparently hung like a horse.

That Sosai X has quite the wacky, black sense of humor, doesn't he?  And I've just booked myself a trip to Hell, too. 

Some guy contacts Nambu or we're hearing the recording of his call to 911 or this universe's equivalent to 911 and we get to hear his painful demise at the hands of Lava Jesus. Nambu Hakase seems more concerned with the loss of the volcano research center because he mentions that this is a big setback for ISO. Ken, though, wonders about the giant covered in lava. Joe, of course, says that this must be Galactor's doing because Galactor is very shrewd and could easily create a lava giant. Of course, the fact that Galactor has created giant mechs in the past might have given that fact away. Jun agrees and Joe urges Ken that they must go right away because Joe doesn't like to see Nambu so depressed. So now the KNT are all concerned about Hakase and Ken suggest that the KNT go and check out this trashed place and find out what in the heck is going on. Nambu agrees and wishes the KNT much success. The KNT do the Bird Go thing off camera and then they board the GodPhoenix and fly out to this volcanic island and America , er, Ameris, and Yellowstone , I mean Bluestone Park .

Actually, they fly to the volcano island and Jinpei remarks how bad it looks. Jun agrees and says it looks like hell. Ken says it reminds him of the city after the Fearful Jellyfish Lens got through with it, which is an earlier episode I may or may not have written a review of, depending on when you read this one. Ken orders Ryu, who in the American Dub sounds like he's from Jersey (which I guess is a nod to Tiny from BoTP or they gave him an accent because he has one in the Japanese version), to descend and investigate. Ryu does and he notices footprints. Ken says they must be the Magma Giant/Lava Jesus's footprints, which sort of gives an entirely different meaning to that "Footprints" poem, if you really stop and think about it.  Jinpei remarks that his shoe size is seven so the Giant Lava Jesus must have a shoe size of 2000. Jun goes, "What a silly thing to say, Jinpei." Then Ken orders Ryu to follow the footprints. And they follow the footprints all the way up to the volcano.

Ryu says "Awesome!" and Jinpei says that he's scared. Joe tells Jinpei to be brave and then tells Ken that the footprints go to into the volcano. Ken agrees and decides that they will go as far as they can into the volcano.

The Narrator chimes in to tell us that the GodPhoenix is descending into the "scorching hell" and he wonders if the GP will be able to withstand the temperature of 5,000 degrees. He also points out to us that the GP can barely manage the temperature of 3000 degrees when they do the Kagaku Ninpo Hinotori (or Science Ninja Technique Firebird). They keep going down and everyone starts to sweat and Ryu remarks that the giant's footprints have disappeared. Joe jumps out of his seat and says that the fact that the footprints disappear here means the magma giant went back into the volcano and that there might be a base in the volcano.

Jun announces that, temperature-wise, they've reached their limit. Ken does this weird growling-like-a-dog expression to indicate his frustration. But they keep going down and then Jinpei notices a tunnel. Ken is all for going into the tunnel, but Jun reminds him that they are past their temperature limit and to go and further would be reckless. Ryu says that if they go on, the GP will explode. Ken does sort of that dog growly thing again, says "Shit! The only clue we have is right in front of our eyes".

Then we cut to Berg Katse, who calls the KNT a bad name and says that today is the day he will send them to Hell and then he laughs in a way that makes him look like The Joker.  Not the late Heath Ledger's Joker, but rather more like Cesar Romero's and Jack Nicholson's Joker. Then he pushes a button and then rocks start falling down into the lava and the lava starts boiling a little harder, which means...

Ken orders Ryu to get them the heck out of the volcano. Ryu says, "Roger" and starts taking the GP out of there which means....

Lava Jesus shows up to bless the KNT. Joe says, to himself mostly, that he's seen that face before. Ken orders Ryu to haul ass out of there and he does and the Magma Giant Lava Jesus starts swatting at the GP and stuff like that. Ryu tries to make a loop, but the GP does a nose dive into the water.

Time for a commercial. 

We're back. 

Now the GP is in the water and there's steam coming up because the GP is so hot. The KNT are also in the water, presumably to cool off, too. Ryu wades towards the shore, heaves a great big sigh of relief and says, "That was close." He also mentions that they would have been goners and asks if everyone is all right. He also goes on and wonders why the Lava Jesus was chasing them.

Joe, meanwhile, is staring at some debris on the beach. Jun speculates as to why the Lava Jesus didn't chase after them and Ken said it was probably because Lava Jesus was afraid of water. He also mentions that if you cool down lava, you get rock.

Then we see what it was Joe was staring at. For some reason, planted in the rocks on the beach, there is a crucifix. Joe remembers where he's seen that face. He said it was the same as the face of Jesus Christ which was carved into the mountain in Bluestone Park . It makes total sense to me that Joe would know this and the others wouldn't because Joe is European and not Japanese. Joe came from Sicily, which means that more likely than not, Condor Joe grew up Catholic, so he would know what a crucifix was and what Jesus Christ looked like and stuff like that.

The whole crucifix bit was cut out of BoTP, and I can understand why because I'm sure Sandy Frank really didn't want religious people breathing down his neck.

Anyway, we cut back to Bluestone Park to see that the Jesus head is sliding back into its rightful place.

Then the girl from the beginning of the episode returns and notices that the head of Jesus is not the same as the head of Jesus she actually carved, so something fishy is going on around there. The blond girl climbs up the mountain, and again, she must have a really good throwing arm to toss her rope all the way up to the top of Jesus' head. Maybe the Milwaukee Brewers might want to have a talk with her about becoming their next pitcher. She climbs up Jesus' face and she stops on Jesus' lip.

Next we see Ken and Joe and Ken wonders who that person standing on Jesus' lip is. Joe, of course, suspects its Galactor. Ken says to check it out so they fly over to Jesus' lip and they tackle this girl and push her into a tunnel in Jesus' mouth. Then Jun and Jinpei join them inside Jesus' mouth. Joe has the girl and he has his hand over her mouth. He says, "We're the Science Ninja Team. Come on, damned Galactor. Give us a tour inside." Real smooth, there Joe.

Ken and Jinpei notice a tunnel. Then Jun notices that the girl they have is a woman. Just now? Her hair might have been up inside her helmet, but I think the fact that she has boobs and curves might have given that away! Sheesh!

Anyway, Joe takes his hand from the girl's mouth and the girl says, "Don't misunderstand. I'm not the Galactor you're looking for. I'm just a sculptor."

Of course, Joe doesn't believe her and questions the girl's honesty. "I wonder," says he, "Give us a tour. Get up now!"

To which the girl replies, "You don't trust me? Damned Science Ninja Team Pig! I don't give a damn!"

Oh, my God! She just called Joe a pig!

Actually, he deserved that. But, boy howdy, that sculptor girl is rather feisty, don't you think?

I should point out that in the American dub, she only calls Joe a Neanderthal, which isn't as bad as "pig", but he still earned it, anyway.

Anyway, Sculptor Girl gets up and walks away from Joe. Jinpei remarks that Sculptor Girl is tough. Then Ken scolds Joe and says that "(Sculptor Girl) is just a girl. Be gentle!" How chauvinistic of you, Ken! I also find it amusing that Ken, who is supposed to be kind of clueless about women, at least about Jun, is giving Joe advice about women. But on the other hand, Ken's never had a girlfriend try to kill him or die on him, either.

Then Ken, Jinpei, Sculptor Girl, Joe, and Jun head down the tunnel where they find Galactor's secret Lava Jesus factory and Sculptor Girl morphs into Ryu. Ken says the lava looks like Liquid from Hell and Joe says that there's poisonous gas and they'd better stay away from the crater.

Then we're interrupted by Sosai X, who says that ISO is developing a "green city" near a dormant volcano on the Calforia (yes, you read that right) Peninsula and that he (Katse) had better destroy that green city. He also warns Katse that the KNT haven't been destroyed yet. Katse infers that Sosai is a liar, and Sosai says he isn't and the KNT are still alive and Katse better be mindful of that. "Repeat your mistakes," Sosai X warns Katse, "and I have plans for you." Oooooooh! Katse bows to Sosai, and then we hear that funky guitar riff with the trumpet fan fare thing, which I wish I had a sound file of, which plays when Galactor is up to something or about to carry out an attack, which means...

The Giant Jesus head comes down the tunnel so the KNT takes themselves and Sculptor girl to safety. Then they see the creation of Lava Jesus. Some door opens up at the top of the cave. There is a glass bottom to the lake above and sunlight is shining into the lava to make it heat up so Lava Jesus can be born. And sure enough, Lava Jesus' head pops up from out of the lava, which kind of gives a new spin on that famous scene from the move Apocalypse Now.

Then Lava Jesus stands up in the lava. He gets all big and scary before he turns around and goes out to put the Fear of God into the people of Califoria.  Ms Ann can't help but notice that when Jesus turns around, he's got a really huge ass. (and a butt crack, too.)

Yes, Ms. Ann O'Malley knows that she has just booked herself yet another ticket to Hell for that remark. However, it doesn't change the fact that Jesus got back! 

Then Jun and Ken talk about the Lava Jesus leaving and they decide to go but then some Galactor Canon Fodder a.k.a the Green Goons, step in and Ms. Ann notices that they're wearing gas masks.

How come the bad guys get gas masks so they don't breathe in the poisonous gas and the KNT and Sculptor Girl don't? How come the good guys have to breathe in that crap? Huh?

One of the Greenies grabs Ken and then Katse cackles on how he's going to send the KNT to Hell. Then he orders the Greenies to throw Gatchaman and the others into the magma.

Sculptor Girl, however, throws something, that I can't quite make out at the Greenies, distracting them and of course, a fight ensues. Instead of four bird people and a sculptress getting thrown in the goop, Greenies go there instead. Ken calls for Ryu to come and get them and he does. Ryu comes in through the hole in the mountain where Jesus should be, but isn't, because he's out putting the Fear of God into the people of Califoria.

Greenies shoot at the KNT, but Ryu comes in time to save their collective bacon. Then Ken says to Ryu, "Let's test the limits of the GodPhoenix" and Ryu replies, "Anything to defeat Galactor." Then Ken orders everyone to their positions. He tells Jun to look after Sculptor Girl and then gives the order to fire the Bird Missiles and I'm sure that Joe is happy as a little gurrrrrl, right about now.

However, Ken gets to fire the Bird Missiles because it's his hand over the Big Red Button. Ken fires the missile at the glass ceiling, which causes lake water to come pouring into the volcano base Lava Jesus factory, and then he orders Ryu to give the GP everything he has and they take off up through the rushing water. Then Ken says, "Ryu, Power Up!" and he says this in English. Ryu gives the GP all she's got and it makes its way through the rushing water and out through a whirlpool.

Just as they think it's safe, Nambu informs the KNT that Lava Jesus was seen spreading the Good News on the Califoria Peninsula . The KNT goes there to stop Lava Jesus.

Meanwhile, in Green City in Califoria, Lava Jesus comes to rampage and some guy in a green jogging suit says everyone should run like hell and get out of there. Everyone agrees. Then Berg Katse sees the God Phoenix on his monitor and he's ticked that they survived. He orders Lava Jesus to destroy the KNT.

Who does Berg Katse think he is? God? *snirt*

Then we cut to the KNT, who are taking their individual vehicles out of the GP. Katse sees this and goes, "Damn you, Gatchaman!" Then the individual members of the KNT lead the Lava Jesus towards the ocean, because it's time for Lava Jesus to get baptized. Actually, it was because Ken mentioned earlier that when you put lava in water, it turns to rock. Now if you'd been paying attention, you'd have remembered that bit.

And of course, the KNT lead Lava Jesus to the ocean where he is crucified and the world is saved from Galactor's latest threat.

Then we go back to Bluestone Park and the mountain and Sculptor Girl says that she has to start all over again. Jinpei asks why bother carving a face there. Jun scolds Jinpei for being rude. Sculptor Girl says that "we carve because we pray for everlasting peace.  My father did it and so did my grandpa." She goes onto say that she will pray for the KNT for their wishes to come true and she will carve Jesus and the Holy Mother into the mountain. Then she goes back up and starts going at it with a hammer and a chisel. Why couldn't she have dynamite? Gutzon Borglum had at least that much. She'll never get that done if she has to do the whole thing by hand.

Then the narrator says something about praying for peace and the girl continuing her work. We see the KNT watching her, and the narrator says that Gatchaman is filled with the fighting spirit because of Sculptor Girl's Carve-In for Peace. Then the GodPhoenix flies off into the sunset.

If you made it through my review this far with a grin on your face, congratulations! If you're all sorts of ticked off at me, then, well, you were warned. Ms. Ann is an equal opportunity offender.  Save the e-mails, because I already know I'm going to Hell. But I'll be having fun on the way there!

I've read that the Japanese have this curious fascination with Christianity and God and Jesus and things like that. They do celebrate Christmas in Japan , but their version of Christmas is confused with Valentine's Day, because Christmas is the day when couples rent hotel rooms for tidings of comfort and joy, if you know what I mean.

This is probably the most offensive, blasphemous episode of this show. But as much as it might make some people cringe to see Jesus as a monster, some of these same people are just as guilty as anyone involved in this episode of making light of someone else's deity. He who has never made fun of someone else's God has no right to complain about someone making fun of ours. That's my philosophy.

I believe that God has more of a sense of humor than most people give Him credit for and I believe that God can laugh at Himself. If he watched this episode, I think God would find it amusing in the least. God would also find Monty Python's Life of Brian hilarious, too.

Gutzon Borglum was the man who got this wild hair to carve the heads of four U.S. Presidents into the side of a mountain, which today, we know as Mount Rushmore, located in the Black Hills of South Dakota, near Rapid City.  Mount Rushmore is the only national monument I've ever seen in person and it's a very impressive sight.  It's also very surreal to see something that iconic in person that you've only seen pictures of in your schoolbooks as a kid. 

Ms. Ann is a Condorphile, but she also believes that Joe earned that "pig" he got from Sculptor Girl. Ms. Ann makes no excuses for Joe's attitude in this one.