Sosai X was not amused.
“Berg Katse,” Galactor’s big boss asked, “what are you doing about the Science Ninja Team? When will you destroy them? If Train A left Chicago at 12:00 and traveled at 125 miles per hour, and Train B left Philadelphia at 12:30, traveling at 90 miles per hour – “
“Actually, Leader,” Katse replied, squirming a little more than usual, “I’ve got nothing.”
“Fool. Listen up and maybe you’ll get something right.”
“So you have something in mind?”
“The Science Ninja Team has a patron who has been giving them the funding to travel the world as they please.”
“Must be nice.” Katse wished for a patron. He wouldn’t ask for much – an occasional weekend away from God-awful goons, or maybe a bit of custom- formulated lipstick. . .
“So, sire,” Katse added, “Do you know who this sponsor is?”
“It is Princess Flake of the Monalince Kingdom. You will assassinate her.”
“Kill her?” Katse sputtered, “Couldn’t we have someone from the Evil Accountant Division infiltrate and embezzle funds?”
“A quick, well-placed disturbance in the Monalince Kingdom will slow down the Science Ninja Team’s activities. And, anyway,” Sosai X added, “too many of our accountants were arrested for that ill-conceived Ponzi scheme. What fool could ever believe a nude roller disco rink would succeed in Antarctica?”
“Ah, Leader X,” Katse purred, “not everyone can be as brilliant as you, especially when it comes to dealing with this princess.”
“I don’t have an ass, so quit trying to kiss it.” Galactor’s leader said flatly, but then added, “Take care, Katse, for there will be intense security around the princess.”
Katse did one of his patented sweeping bows, confidence written all over the part of his face that could be seen. But then he shuddered as he stifled a laugh.
“What is it, Katse?”
“My apologies, sire. Just imagined Gatchaman in a commercial for one of those ‘natural male enhancement’ products.”
Silence. A nervous sweat started to run down Katse’s cheek.
“Or perhaps,” Leader X finally said, “an advertisement for erectile dysfunction pills.”
Katse dropped to his knees as manic laughter echoed off the walls.
It was hard to tell if Sosai X was laughing or gagging on a small rodent. . . .
* * * * *
Scenes from a massive festival danced across a viewscreen. Madonna’s “Vogue” played in the background as women in costumes that seemed to be made from bits of dental floss and postage stamps grooved and struck poses that should have been anatomically impossible.
Dr. Nambu shut off the screen and, as three young men let out a small, disappointed moan, turned to face the Science Ninja Team.
“You’re being deployed to the Monalince Kingdom!” His voice had taken on a game show announcer’s quality.
“Famous fashion!” Jun nearly swooned.
“No,” Jinpei countered, “it’s famous for roller games! Their team, the Monalince Toppers, are the best!”
“For a minute there I thought you were gonna say, ‘They’re the tops!’” Ryu muttered.
“Roller games and high fashion,” Joe snorted, “who cares about that?” He leaned against the wall and had Snarl Number 5 on his face. Unknown to the rest of the team, he had just discovered that his puppy had been sneaking away twice a week to be with a small tribe of pencilneck geeks that had been banished from every Internet café in town. That set him in an especially foul mood.
“Jun, go to the Monalince Kingdom and enjoy all the fashion you heart desires!” The Science Ninja Team had no idea how close Dr. Nambu came to being the announcer on “The Price Is Right” when the ISO snatched him up. “I’m going to need you to play a big role in the mission.”
“Mission?” Jun suddenly remembered that there’s always a string or two.
“What, do I look like the Travelocity gnome? Is the ISO your travel agent whenever the whim hits you?” Dr. Nambu’s voice was heavy with sarcastic tones, “Of course there’s a mission!
“You can do whatever you want when the job’s done.” he added in a gentler tone when he saw that Jun looked like he’d popped her in the nose.
“Princess Flake of Monalince,” Dr. Nambu explained, “has been a very generous donor to the ISO.”
“What kind of crappy name is ‘Flake’?” Jinpei whispered to Ryu.
“She doesn’t like going by her first name.” Ryu answered.
“And what’s that?”
“Dandruff.”
“She’s also a huge fan of the entire Science Ninja Team.” Dr. Nambu continued, ignoring Jinpei and Ryu.
“What an honor!” Jun had returned to Swooning Swan mode. “The beautiful First Lady of Fashion – “
“Hakase,” Ken interrupted, “could you PLEASE tell us about the job before Jun breaks into her own rendition of ‘Vogue’?”
“Princess Flake will be hosting an enormous fashion show in the palace.”
“God,” Joe groaned, “we can’t get away from the fashion crap!”
“That doesn’t have nothin’ to do with guys like us.” Ryu said in a dismissive tone, “No way, no how, nuh-uh!”
In a cemetery somewhere in Utoland, a couple of Ryu’s enraged grammar teachers started clawing their way out of their graves. . .
“Actually,” Dr. Nambu replied, “it has quite a bit to do with you.”
A moment passed before Ken realized. “Galactor’s plotting something for the show, right, Doctor?”
“Correct. Since the princess supports the ISO, she’s a target.”
“So we’re going there to protect her!” Ken was finally getting into the mission.
“And she specifically asked for the Science Ninja Team” Dr. Nambu added.
“Well,” Joe said, toning down his snarl, “I suppose that’s important enough. . . “
“On the day of the fashion show,” Dr. Nambu explained, “the only people in the palace will be the designer Calidon’s models and the palace staff.
“There’s no telling how Galactor will strike,” he continued, “and at the same time, all of you must conceal your identities, which makes this mission complicated.”
“So that means we can’t use the God Phoenix in the palace.” Ken said, “We’ll have to fight Galactor hand-to-hand.”
“Hey, Ryu,” Jinpei chirped, “you won’t be stuck on the ship this time! You can go as wild as you want!”
“All right!” Ryu, overjoyed, slapped Jinpei’s back. The boy, in turn, crashed to the floor.
“Hang on, Doc,” Joe chimed in, “there’s something I don’t get: why don’t we just hide the God Phoenix somewhere nearby? We’ve done it before.”
(As Joe was speaking, Ryu turned to him and quietly said through clenched teeth, “Joe, what the hell – ? . . . Will you SHUT UP?!”)
“Well, Joe,” Dr. Nambu answered, “the Oroka Paradigm is the problem with that plan. If you took the God Phoenix to the Monalince Kingdom during this mission, Princess Flake will surely die. Plus, according to my calculations, every radio station and Internet music site will have nothing but the barking dog version of ‘Jingle Bells’ for the next five years.”
Dr. Nambu waited a moment before he commanded, “Science Ninja Team, move out! I pray for your success!”
As the others dashed out, Joe paused, and then turned back to face the doctor, “Hakase, there’s one more thing: if Princess Flake’s been giving us so much money, why don’t we get some to help out with our personal expenses?”
“Um, well, Joe,” Dr. Nambu stammered a bit as he desperately grabbed for an answer, “you’re all martial artists. And artists do their best work when they’re a little hungry.” That’ll do it, he thought, I’d like to thank the Academy. . .
“Doc, you suck at bullshitting.”
* * * * *
Many residents of the Monalince Kingdom consider the Founding Festival to be a time of rare and wondrous events. And maybe, just maybe, they would consider the Science Ninja Team taking a commercial airliner to visit their fair land one of those rarities. But the fact that the five ninjas weren’t in First Class. . . well, what in the hell was Princess Flake’s money being put toward?!
Ken and Joe were sitting next to each other. Jun and Jinpei were behind them. Ryu, however, had been stuck across the aisle by himself; instead of requiring the purchase of two seats because of his size, the airline required the whole row on his side be bought.
Jinpei spent the entire flight devouring comic books about the Monalince Kingdom’s newest superheroes, the Samurai Skating Squad. Jun read everything she could get that was connected to the upcoming fashion show – speculation on what designs Calidon was to present this year, what kind of festival costume the princess might model, and so on. Ken appeared to be dozing, but he was actually trying to block out Joe’s voice. Joe had been grumbling, “I can’t believe they had ‘Xanadu’ for the in-flight movie!” just loud enough for Ken to hear for almost the entire flight.
Almost the entire damned flight!
An older woman walked by. Jun leaned forward and whispered breathessly, “Ken, that woman over there is Calidon the designer!”
Ken opened his eyes and saw Calidon returning to her seat. With her hair pulled back into a tight bun and her highly starched business suit, Calidon seemed more severe than graceful to him. That was the most thought he’d ever given to anything connected to fashion, but he was too apathetic to realize this.
Jun sat back in her seat, becoming downright bubbly over the thought of being on the same plane as Calidon. However, it never occured to her to wonder why the world-renowned fashion designer wasn’t in First Class. . . .
“I’d take katsudon over Calidon any day. . . “ Ryu said, “or calamari. . . or chicken nuggets. . . jeez, isn’t it time to eat already?”
Ken looked out the window and saw a coastal city below – their destination.
Imagine any Old World-style city featured in a cartoon production of a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale. Populate that city with everybody ever seen on the cover of a fashion magazine. Put roller skates on half that population, and you’ll have the capitol city of the Monalince kingdom. . . . that is, when the people aren’t partying like wild, naked savages at the festival
The lobby of the Grande Hotel was full of activity. People from all over the world were there for the festival. Calidon strode across the lobby toward the elevators with a small entourage close behind. Jun sat on a couch, watching the fashion designer, babbling more and more to nobody in particular as she became more and more awestruck.
Jinpei sat on a couch across a coffee table from her. He pretended to read another comic book as he dropped oh-so subtle hints like, “Gee, I hope I can see a roller game today!” and, “I hope I can see the Monalince Toppers before we leave!”
Joe and Ken stood within earshot. “They think they’re here to have fun.” Joe said with a derisive snort, “That’s why it’s hard to work with kids and women.”
Jun fell silent at that. She took a deep breath to keep her temper under control, stood up, and went over to Joe.
“You know, Joe,” she said, pulling him aside, “I thought you, of all people, would have a special appreciation of the fashion world.”
He let out another derisive snort.
“I was sure,” Jun continued, “that you’d enjoy seeing all those lovely ladies in outfits cut down to here and up to there. . .”
“Actually, I never thought of it like that –"
“And the princess likes to model, too.” Jun’s voice had a steamy quality that was straightening Joe’s hair. “I could’ve sworn you’d want to be right up against the runway when she walks by in her festival costume, wondering how she keeps a bit of cloth the size of an aspirin from falling off her royal body. . . .”
“Damn it, Ken, why aren’t you getting us checked in?!” Joe rushed over to Ken and started pushing him toward the front desk. “We can’t be dumbassing around like this when there’s a princess to protect!”
* * * * *
Night can be pretty dark at the Monalince Royal Palace.
Other palaces are flooded with light so that security forces might better see any intruders. The Monalince Kingdom, however, has a different philosophy: have the palace grounds as close to pitch black as possible. That way, roller skating intruders wouldn’t risk breaking a leg due to a misplaced foot, and the fashionistas wouldn’t risk ruining their clothes or injuring their bodies. They are so devoted to the blackout philosophy that their botanists developed trees, grass, shrubbery, and even flowers that are perfectly and utterly black.
Goths worldwide have covered the walls of their homes with posters of the Monalince Palace grounds at night.
Ken and Joe were walking along the street side of the palace walls, trying to gauge the quality of the royal defenses while looking like an ordinary pair of tourists. Never mind that this would make them the only tourists NOT at the festival. . . .
“Security looks pretty well placed.” Joe said, not expecting anything less.
“Remember, Joe, this is Galactor we’re dealing with.” Ken replied, “Like a snake, they’ll slither through the smallest hole. Like a disease-carrying rat, they’ll gnaw their way in. Like a cockroach, they’ll crawl in through the drain. Like a tapeworm –"
“All right, Ken, I got it!”
“Can’t I finish –"
“NO!”
Joe was almost glad to see a shadowy figure not too far off in the distance clamoring over the palace wall. The two ninjas dashed to a narrow alleyway between two buildings across the street. From the shadows they watched as more dark figures almost effortlessly jumped the wall.
“Let’s check it – “ Ken didn’t finish; Joe was already gone.
Within a heartbeat they were both near the spot where the intruders had been a moment ago.
Trees hung over both sides of the wall. One might think that the trees themselves would make the wall useless, since an intruder would only need basic tree climbing skills or a trained monkey to get over the tall barrier. However, nobody – not even the group Ken and Joe saw – ever thought of this.
On the other hand, the devious souls did think of another use for the trees: they dropped from the branches to attack Ken and Joe. The Eagle and the Condor were at a disadvantage. They were in the palace blackout zone, the intruders were dressed in black, and it was a moonless night. Even though they repeatedly threw off their attackers, Ken and Joe were kicked, punched, and knocked down far more times than they were used to.
Suddenly, flashes from firing machine gun barrels and streaks from tracer rounds filled the air. A group of men wearing off-black SWAT-style uniforms rushed toward the fight from a thicker group of black trees.
Ken and Joe ducked behind the nearest tree while the attackers leapt into the branches of some other trees.
“Damn, those guys couldn’t hit the side of a barn from the inside!” Joe cried, “Are they Galactor rejects?”
All but one of the attackers had vanished. The one still perched in a tree removed a glove to reveal a woman’s perfectly manicured hand. On this hand were several rings with spherical “gems”. With her other hand, she tapped the gems, which went flying through the air. Those gems exploded among the guards, turning them into so much gumbo.
“Those must’ve been some powerful ring bombs. . . .” Joe said, a bit awestruck.
“How could you tell what they were?”
“Galactor’s great at bombing.”
“Oh. I thought it was because of your history of bombing with Galactor women.”
* * * * *
Inside the palace, a tall, thin woman stood by an enormous French-style window. She had been gazing at the stars, which had been set to “Extreme Twinkle,” but now. . .
“What was that commotion?” she asked. Of course, this was Princess Flake, and she had her entourage of ladies-in-waiting in the room with her.
“Suspicious people got onto the palace grounds.” one of the ladies answered, “Guards were killed.”
The oldest woman in the room gasped. Even though she was dressed as a lady-in-waiting, she seemed old enough to have been Princess Flake’s nursemaid. And, even though she had a normal body for someone her age, she looked dumpy compared to everyone around her.
“What happened to the intruders?” the princess asked.
“They fled the grounds, my lady.” the news-bearer replied
“The paparazzi simply MUST take it down a few notches!” the princess proclaimed.
“Perhaps her majesty should consider cancelling the fashion show.” the oldest lady suggested.
“I can’t do that.” the princess replied, “The fashion show is a time-honored tradition established by my grandfather.”
“I’ve seen pictures of that first fashion show.” one of the youngest ladies said, “King Corn was just divine in that waltz-length ball gown!”
“Our safety is in the hands of the Science Ninja Team.” Princess Flake said, lifting her eyes heavenward, “I know they are watching us.”
The ladies-in-waiting subtly braced themselves; this was a perfect opportunity for the princess to break into song.
* * * * *
The next day, Jinpei was in a park not too far from the hotel. The place was full of kids skating all around. Devo’s “Whip It” played over the scratchy PA system, and the Swallow watched from the sidelines.
“Hey, can I borrow your skates for a sec?” Jinpei called to a kid rolling by. All the roller skaters eyed him suspiciously – nobody but NOBODY goes without skates in the Monalince Kingdom.
The kid Jinpei called to came closer; distrust was all over his face.
“I came a long way to see a real roller game,” Jinpei explained, putting a hand on the roller-kid’s shoulder, “so could I borrow your skates a sec?”
The kid had heard stories about sorry, wretched kids in other countries who couldn’t afford their own skates. But those were just stories, right?
The roller-kid then noticed what was on Jinpei’s wrist. “Hey,” he called to his friends, “this kid’s got a Gatchaman bracelet!”
Jinpei quickly pulled his hand away and put it behind his back. Had his cover just been blown?
The Swallow was surrounded.
“That’s a great-looking bracelet!” one kid cried.
“We’re all Gatchaman fans.” another explained.
“You must be a super-fan!” a third proclaimed.
Jinpei, the sorry, wretched kid from another country, had suddenly become cool. He had his choice of skates to borrow.
Meanwhile, not too far away, the rest of the Science Ninja Team were gathered around a park bench in the shadow of a Ferris wheel. They were not in the best of spirits; Ken and Joe recounted the events from the previous night, stressing the difficulties they’d surely face with the ring bombs.
“They wouldn’t be a problem if we had our G-machines!” Ryu pounded his fist in frustration.
Unknown to his teammates, Joe had again sunk into an especially foul mood. Just after he’d gotten back to the hotel last night, he caught the last of a local newscast. The anchors read a story about a group of video gaming fanboys in Utoland who hadn’t left their mothers’ basements in over twenty years. They had been coaxed out into the world and had started dating hot women thanks to a puppy. . . . Joe’s puppy.
“How are we going to overcome those ring bombs?” Ken asked nobody in particular.
Suddenly they heard Jinpei call out, “Hey, Sis!”
“It looks like he’s got roller skating down.” Jun remarked.
“Check out my whip!” Jinpei was skating toward them, hand in hand with the roller-kid. With one strong, swift motion, the roller-kid flung Jinpei forward – the classic whip.
Ken’s mind clicked into overdrive. Jinpei literally skated circles around Joe (and came closer to death than he’ll ever realize) before going back to his newfound friends.
“I’ve got it!” Ken shouted, leaping to his feet, “Jinpei just showed me something really interesting.”
“What, you’ve never seen roller skaters doing a whip?” Joe asked, not quite believing that thought.
“Uh, no.”
“You mean you’ve never even HEARD of playing Crack the Whip?!”
“No. . . . oh, wait! Isn’t that what you and the lion tamer were doing in the Snack J store room?”
“Let me see if I’m following you.” Ryu chimed in before Joe could let off a volley of curses, “Instead of using our vast ninja training, we’re gonna use kids’ roller skating games?”
“Yeah!” Ken cried, “It’ll be SO COOL!”
* * * * *
After using Science Ninja Team Technique: Convenient Plot Device, the fivesome had been given access to an empty roller rink to practice the whip.
Joe and Jinpei had taken to the rink right away. “Whip!” Joe called out as he nearly launched the boy into the air. Ryu was almost knocked over by the current caused by Jinpei blasting past; the Owl had never been on skates before, so he found himself in a terrorized agony as he strained to keep his feet under him. Jinpei banked around, ducked down, and zipped between Ken and Jun, who were hand in hand.
(In accordance with recent UN Resolutions, please allow a moment for diabetics to check their blood glucose levels while others take care of the urge to say, “Aww, ain’t that sweet?” . . . Thank you.)
Ryu continued his epic struggle to skate. His ankles and knees screamed in protest. His feet were hellbent to go in opposite directions.
And the Condor spotted prey.
“What the heck are you doing?” Joe asked as he drew closer to Ryu.
“I’m doing the whip.” Ryu’s attempted bluff fell flat as he desperately held on to the boards.
“I’ll show you how it’s done.” Joe’s voice had an unholy friendliness to it as he shoved Ryu toward the center of the rink. Sometimes, the Condor found, torturing Ryu was an excellent way to get out of an especially foul mood.
At times like this, Ryu could easily see why some people claimed that Satan would often unleash a toned-down version of Joe onto the unsuspecting tormented souls in Hell.
“All right,” Ken declared as plans came toghther in his brain, “we’ll call this the Bird Whip!” Somewhere in the back of his mind, fanfare swelled.
* * * * *
For the second time that day, Science Ninja Team Technique: Convenient Plot Device was used. Jun crept into a palace room and discovered to heer sheer delight that clothes for the fashion show were being stored there.
“How fabulous!” she sighed. She pulled out an orange and yellow (or, more fittingly, saffron and golden wheat) dress off its hanger, slid it on over her clothes, and admired herself in a full-length mirror.
Suddenly, laughter came from the other side of the door. Jun stopped breathing – of all the dumb things to get busted for!
It was Calidon herself who stepped through the door. She saw Jun and was surprisingly unfazed.
“I’m so sorry.” Jun lowered her eyes and turned away, feeling silly for getting caught playing dress-up.
Calidon stepped over to Jun. “That’s all right.” she said, “It looks great on you. It’s perfect, I think.”
Now, even though Jun would have been considered morbidly obese in the fashion world, and the dress made her hips look big, she was perfect for Calidon’s long-term plans. The Monalince Kingdom, as had many countries, had banned using models that were below a medically healthy Body Mass Index. So Calidon decided to slowly bring back the Victorian-era ideal of waspish bodies that can only be achieved through severe corsetting. Jun’s body type would work while Calidon searched for a suitable replacement for whalebone.
“You were on the plane with me, weren’t you?” Calidon said as she adjusted the dress on Jun, “When I saw you, I knew you’d be just what I need; none of my girls could make this dress work.”
For all practical purposes, Jun had become a giggling tween girl.
“Could I interest you in modeling for me, at least for tomorrow’s show?” Calidon asked, “I’m sure Princess Flake would be quite thrilled to have you as well.”
Calidon arranged for Jun to stay the night in the palace, just like the rest of the models. She then took Jun to meet the princess, and then told the new model to rest up for the show. With that, she wished Jun a good night.
Later on, Jun crept along a darkened corridor, careful to avoid guards. She came t a large, ornate door that could have been used in a production of “The Nutcracker”. She opened the door just enough to peek inside.
All the way across the room, on a balcony just outside, Princess Flake stood looking up at the stars (which were still set on “Extreme Twinkle”.) She couldn’t decide which pitch or tune to use, so she simply spoke her thoughts. Hopefully, whatever guardian angels or fairy spirits that grant fairy tale-style wishes would be satisfied without song.
Somewhere unknown to the princess, the London Symphony Orchestra picked up their instruments and played sweet, soft music to accompany Princess Flake’s monologue.
“The Gala Fashion Show is tomorrow,” she said, “and I hope everything goes well. I wonder where the Science Ninja Team are?”
“Please, rest assured, Princess!” Jun’s voice echoed off the walls. Jun never thought she’d have the kind of dramatic scene she’d seen in many cartoon adaptations of Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales, so she decided to milk this.
“Who’s there?” the princess demanded as she spun around and peered around the room.
“I’m Science Ninja Team G-3, Jun the Swan!”
The princess couldn’t see her, but suspected the Swan was in the chandelier – the fixture was more than large enough, and the voice seemed to come from above
“I knew you’d be here!” Princess Flake happily cried.
The chandelier swung a bit on its chain and a Birdstyle shadow appeared on the ceiling.
“The Science Ninja Team is at your service, Princess, “Jun said, still using her dramatic voice, “whenever you call!”
“That pleases me.” the princess replied, “But there’s no need to be so overly dramatic on my account – this isn’t a cartoon of a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale, after all.”
“Ah,” Jun replied, a bit deflated, “as you wish, Your Majesty.” Jun then soared from the light fixture out the window. She then leapt rooftop to rooftop until she was out of sight.
The peace of the night returned to the palace grounds. . . .until there was a loud “snap!” a moment later. That was immediately followed by the sound of an enormous chandelier crashing to the floor.
* * * * *
On the other end of the palace compound, a Roman-style statue of Princess Flake’s father, King Frosted, fell over and shattered as the ground beneath it shook. A large, whirling drill bit emerged from the earth – the “nose” of a mecha!
Within minutes, Calidon and her models huddled in fear of the squad of gun-toting Devil Stars surrounding them.
Berg Katse stood a short distance away. “Make any noise and you’re dead.” he said to them, “We won’t hurt you as long as you listen to us. Now, give me your pretty outfits!”
A short time later, Calidon and her models were sitting on the floor of a little-used walk-in closet. They had been tied up and gagged, and they wore nothing but their underwear. Tears streamed down their faces – everywhere they looked were women in bikinis. . . . women who were 50% below their medically ideal Body Mass Index.
“So much BLUBBER!” one model sobbed through her gag.
* * * * *
“Does this make me look fat?” a Devil Star in a red gown asked.
“No, it’s perfect.” another replied.
“Okay, girls, keep it simple.” Katse, a perfect image of Calidon said with his own voice, “Approach Princess Flake during the runway show and take her out!”
Just then, the door slowly opened. Katse let out a startled gasp, and the bogus models struck fighting poses. Jun stepped into the room.
“Who are you?” Katse asked with Calidon’s voice.
“You asked me to model –“
“Oh yes! Of course. That’s right. So sorry. Sometimes my brain’s a little rattled right after I snort Ritalin.” Katse let out a nervous giggle before noticing Jun had a doubtful look on her face.
The models were still in a fighting stance.
“Oh,” Katse quickly explained, “they haven’t been the same since RuPaul bitch-slapped them all.”
The faux Calidon stepped over to Jun and placed a hand on her shoulder. “I’m counting on you for the show. I hope you’ll do your best.”
“Right!” Jun replied, any suspicions forgotten.
* * * * *
The time for the fashion show finally arrived. The palace courtyard was filled with formally dressed spectators mingling among the fountains and statuary.
After a bit of fanfare from the royal trumpeters, Princess Flake took her seat to watch the first half of the fashion show. And while the people were sure to enjoy Calidon’s fashions, they quietly looked forward to the finale when the princess would reveal her festival costume. (Or, more accurately, the costume would be revealing HER.)
The orchestra began playing selections from “Starlight Express”. An off-stage announcer introduced and described each outfit as each model strutted down the runway.
Jun was a natural. Her entrances and exits were seamless; all was perfect. . . . until she came out in an equestrian outfit complete with riding crop. When she reached the end of the runway, a man yelled, “Honey, you can ride me anytime!” That boor was promptly thrown out. (Even leering creeps must follow protocol at the palace!)
A short time later, the false Calidon appeared on stage. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” she said, “I hope you enjoy my new and unique collection specially designed for our new goddess of peace, Princess Flake!”
The imposter models stood in a row on stage. They each wore a rust-red tunic and matching leggings with dull green trim under a chain mail shirt.
“Honey, the Knights Templar look is SO last millennium!” a man who sounded a bit like Joan Rivers shouted from the audience.
With a snap of their leader’s fingers, the models leapt into the air. When their feet touched the stage again, they were in their Devil Star uniforms.
“Galactor!” The princess gasped in horror. Everyone else watching, though, remained clueless.
“Ick!” Mr. Joan Rivers cried, “Go back to the chain mail!”
The fake Calidon was too busy letting loose a peal of evil laughter to notice. With a sweep of an arm, Calidon was transformed into Berg Katse. An enormous gasp of recognition filled the air.
“Hey Berg Katse,” a different man hollered, “you’re a perfect Old Lady!”
“Why thank – “ Katse started to say, but then let out an angry growl when he realized what that man must have meant. “Somebody shoot that asshole!”
Katse’s orders were quickly carried out. “Now,” he continued, “one more sound out of any of you, and I’ll perforate your princess!”
Princess Flake was quickly surrounded by Devil Stars. Many citizens of the Monalince Kingdom were sure they were seeing the last of their beloved princess before they could see her in her festival costume.
Katse was in a classic villain’s pose. He was salivating from the sensations of power surging through him.
The princess stood and laughed.
“What – ?” Katse sputtered, feeling a cold slap to his power surge.
“Galactor’s ‘Devil’s Fashion Show’ is brilliant!” she practically sang, “It’s right up there with ‘Satan’s Skating Supermodels Seize Saturn’! Now, let me show you the latest fashion in crime fighting!”
“What did you say?!” he demanded as his complexion turned ruddy with a frustrated rage.
“Everyone will be talking about. . .” the princess said with a regal gesture skyward, “Birdstyle!”
All eyes turned toward a tower to see the Science Ninja Team circling the spire on top. Katse let out a roar of rage. The five ninjas dove toward Galactor; Jinpei was the first to take out a Devil Star. The Devil Stars around the princess ran off to join the fight, and Princess Flake quickly took cover.
“Justice and peace never go out of style!” Ken proclaimed as he was flanked by Joe and Ryu, “So long as the Science Ninja Team exists, ‘Bird Fashion’ will be all the rage!”
“Bit of a drama queen, don’t you think?” a fashion critic said to his neighbor.
“How dare you interfere with us again?” Katse spat. He then turned to the nearest Devil Stars – who seemed to have been stunned by Ken’s melodrama – and shrieked, “Get them!”
The Devil Stars charged their enemies, but they would have done just as well if they’d simply dropped to the ground. Once they realized they were being outclassed, however, they started using their ring bombs.
The Science Ninja Team was suddenly on the defensive, dodging explosions all around them.
Ken clung to a bit of balustrade, but an explosion caused it to disintegrate. He let out a startled cry as rubble fell with him. But then he regained enough of his senses to shout, “Bird Roller Technique!”
And, thanks to Science Ninja Team Technique: Convenient Plot Device, all five ninjas were suddenly wearing roller skates.
Several of the fashion critics who had been hiding behind statues or fountains made a small, disappointed sound when they saw the addition to the Eagle’s Birdstyle; they were a rotten-tooth grey and, at first glance, seemed to have the fit of a pair fished out of a landfill. Unfortunately, this meant Gatchaman lost his *FABULOUS!* rating in the Monalince Kingdom.
“Get ready to do the Bird Whip!” Ken called out as he took Jinpei’s hand. Joe and Jun linked up.
“All that practice is payin’ off!” Ryu declared. He had become a skating force all unto himself.
The Devil Stars stared open-mouthed at the suddenly skating Science Ninja Team.
“Damn it, you stupid bitches, get them!” Katse screeched, “Use your ring bombs!” But he strained his voice for nothing; his elite fighting force was once again outclassed.
“Bird Windmill!” Ken commanded, “Come on, everybody!”
The team linked hands and, with Ryu as an anchor in the center, started skating in a circle. They went faster and faster; the line they’d formed acted like a fan blade, stirring stronger and stronger air currents.
“Damn it, we have to retreat!” Katse cried as the Devil Stars became more like tumbleweeds, “Call the mole tank!”
“Mole tank?” Jun said in a surprised tone, “Didn’t we destroy that thing a little while ago?”
“The bastards must buy ‘em by the case.” Joe replied.
The ground near the remains of the fashion show stage shook and split open. The mole tank came to the surface.
“Everyone stay away from Katse’s crack!” the man who sounded like Joan Rivers shouted, “You won’t believe the shit that’s coming out of it!”
As he ran past, Katse pulled out a gun and shot that annoyance dead.
Katse and the mole tank were gone within a heartbeat, leaving the Devil Stars to face the ire of the Monalince Kingdom.
A moment later, the Science Ninja Team stood at the edge of the hole.
“As usual,” Ryu grumbled, “he’s got a perfect escape plan.”
“And we can’t chase him underground, either.” Jinpei added.
Ken just stared down the escape tunnel, his eyes full of rage.
* * * * *
A couple of hours later, cleanup had begun at the palace. The people who had been there during the attack had a few drinks. The party returned to the streets of the Monalince Kingdom. The Science Ninja Team, wearing their civilian garb, walked among the crowds.
A lesser fashion show was being held just off the main parade route, and Ken and Jun stopped for a few minutes to watch.
“I have to admit, Jun,” Ken said, “the Monalince Kingdom is a place of great fashion.” He quietly hoped that Jun had been allowed to keep a few souvenirs of her brief modeling career. . . . especially the riding crop.
Meanwhile, Jinpei, Joe, any Ryu stopped to watch a bit of the parade. A float featuring the Monalince Toppers went by. Instead of waving or demonstrating some of their moves, the roller games team was performing a tribute to the movie “Solarbabies”.
Jinpei bounced around as though he was a Yorkshire Terrier hopped up on cocaine.
“Great.” Joe grumbled, “Jinpei will be even crazier about roller games now.”
“Jeesh,” Ryu replied, “I’m SO done with that!”
At that moment, a worker discovered the little-used walk-in closet holding Calidon and her models. They were promptly rushed off to one of Monalince’s finest “resorts” so they could deal with their nervous breakdowns and body-image issues.
