Headline: Ameris! by ElectricWhite
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Story Notes:
Here is a rare teleprompter feed from the increasingly popular news show "Headline: Ameris!"
AVERY: Hello, I’m Avery Nastyshrew.

JUAN: And I’m Juan Talittleloving. You’re watching “Headline: Ameris!”

AVERY: Topping our headlines: the ISO denied a request by the Ameris Surgeon General requiring the Science Ninja Team’s Condor to wear a warning label. This label would have advised any woman that dating the Condor will greatly shorten her life expectancy. ISO Press Undersecretary Sakura Saito had the following comment:

[Cut to clip of Sakura Saito]

SAITO: Look, everybody knows the Condor’s lethal reputation already. It would be pointless to continue to warn women who obviously have a huge death wish to begin with!

[Cut back to anchors]

AVERY: The Surgeon General’s office has not made any further comment on the matter.

JUAN: In spite of negative public reaction, members of the Westboro Baptist Church continue to picket outside the funerals of the victims of Galactor attacks to express their opposition to the Science Ninja Team.

[Cut to woman holding “God Loves Dead Bystanders” sign]

WOMAN: Look, we’re just trying to get the country to wake up and stop blindly accepting the Science Ninja Team as an organization for good! There just can’t be anything holy about a group that has grown men running around in bird costumes!

[Cut to PETA protest while AVERY does voice over]

AVERY: And Speaking of protests, yesterday PETA marched on our nation’s capital to protest the Science Ninja Team’s “Bird Style”.

[Go to extremely thin male PETA member speaking to camera]

MAN: The use of “Bird Style” implies that birds are violent animals. But it’s a known FACT that NO bird has EVER done ANY act of violence on another creature!

[Back to anchors]

AVERY: Looks like that guy should eat a chicken nugget or two!

JUAN: Riiiiight. . . Once again proving that “Headline: Ameris!” has more bleached blondes than “Baywatch” and the Fox News channel combined, here’s Misty Morn with the Wonderful World of Weather! Misty –

[Cut to Misty in front of weather map]

MISTY: Thank you, Juan. Today, there’s a 75% chance the Northwest will see snow today, and the Southeast has a 98% chance of thundershowers. The Gulf region has a 45% chance of seeing a random hurricane, and the Midwest has a 30% chance of Galactor unleashing a weather-controlling mecha. Back to you, Avery and Juan!

[Back to anchors]

AVERY: The Kansas State School Board voted to ban all mention of the ISO and the Science Ninja Team from public school campuses. The move came after several conservative Christian groups pointed out that having a vehicle called the “God Phoenix” violated the Ten Commandments.

JUAN: On a more literary note, the unauthorized biography, “Berg Katse: Galactor Goofball” by Kelly Kitty spent its 83rd week in a row at the top of the major bestseller lists.

AVERY: In a related story, the FBI is asking for the public’s help in the disappearance of author Kelly Kitty. As you may recall, Ms. Kitty disappeared after a book signing in Dodge City almost eight months ago. If you have any information, please contact your nearest FBI office.

JUAN: Thank you for watching this edition of “Headline: Ameris!” Have a good day.
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