Warnings: No gore or anything, but there is a little part of it that some people may find upsetting, be warned. Feedback is always appreciated -- you can use Sal's form if you want: http://www.geocities.com/betareadg/feedback.html

Lighter Than Air

Sometimes, if I'm not watching, I float away. People say I'm still here but no, I'm a little red helium balloon that's lost its child and is being blown by the wind, wherever.

I think it first happened when I was four, or three; my memory quibbles with itself, and no one's been of help with this. My mother lay on the bed and looked at me. It worried me. I remembered that I still had jam on my fingers, so I wiped it on the front of my dress, but she was still looking at me. Then there were some men in the house, they put a towel over my mom's head so she was no longer looking at me. I touched her hand. It didn't feel like hers...and then I was no longer there.

When I drift, places of call appear without warning. Each place is unique, without reference: a room with blue paint that came off on my fingers, grass seeds tickling my nose, a kidney dish rattling with sharps...and each place leaves without warning. And adults, strangers each time, leaning down to my face to ask, 'What's your name, little girl?' So many times that I wondered if they were trying to tell me that my new name was Little Girl.

Mr. Anderson was my first anchor. He's changed a bit over the years, but those heavy glasses that look like they ought to slip off his nose have always been there. First thing in the morning, every morning, the overhead light would just catch in those glasses as he looked up to see me come down the stairs. And then we'd start our day.

He brought other tethers. I know what I know when I study. I know what I want when I practice. I always know what I am when I fight. I got friends. Some people drift away, but I figure that the worthwhile friends stick around.

Mrs. Gray, she was our physiotherapist at the time, asked me: "Have you considered meditation? You can let go and find your way back."

I didn't *think* I was being too serious, but I did try. More than tried: I found it so much easier to focus on being here once I started that I went on a trip to Nepal to learn more. The best part of that trip was returning and finding everything looked the same. Everyone was having lunch and they watched me look around. Then Jason sketched a bow and asked, "So what deep secrets does our Eastern Sage bring us?" and we all started laughing.

I can't tell you how much the boys mean to me -- they say they hate it when I call them that, but they still smile. They're sanity, even when they're getting on each others' nerves and starting on mine. And being part of G-Force, being part of something so big, so worthwhile, that alone is everything I need, no matter how things are going. Even if right now, that's being tested sorely.

I noticed Mark in *that* way while I was planning another trip East. I was tossing between Tibet and Japan and asked Mark what he thought. "If you've got to go east, how about Georgia?"

I said, "What's out there?"

He smiled and it was beautiful the way his eyes laughed. "I don't know, but I'm going to a fly-in over that way. Would you like to come?"

It was an enlightening trip, though not in the way I'd planned. More than that, it was fun. We started hanging out whenever we could. I used to get a bit of teasing, especially from Keyop, but they got used to it. I got used to it: I got used to his attentiveness. I got used to being able to give him my attention. He made me so happy I almost touched the ground.

I found out he was seeing another woman yesterday. He said it just that way over dinner, in Santorini's, as if she just happened to like walking through his field of vision.

I nearly choked on the spanakopitta. "I guess I shouldn't have asked what the occasion was."

"Sorry, I shouldn't have sprung it on you like that."

He did look sorry, but where was the shame? "But, I thought we... I thought we loved each other." So lame, but I didn't know what else to say.

"Princess, we go back such a long way. You know I care about you, you know I respect you, you know I'd die for you like *this*," he snapped his fingers in the air. "But we never said that."

He was right. We said lots of words, lots of words, but 'love' wasn't one of them. I was always waiting for the right time and I thought he was too. I thought we were close enough for it not to make a difference.

Asymptotic curve, always getting closer, never getting there.

Mind you, he'd die for me even if he hated the ground I walked on.

"And do you love her?"

"Cecilia?" He looked into my eyes for the longest time. "Yes, I do."

I would like to hate him, for betraying our future, but I looked at him and I realised, those were my dreams, not his. Mine alone.

Keyop has been by my room a couple of times, but I haven't let him in. I'm afraid that if I even unlock the door, I'll float away.

One day, I will touch the ground. I must.

It just won't be today.