Too Hot For Zark! by msannomalley
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Story Notes:

Author's Chapter Notes:

This demented little story was born about five years ago when I watched BoTP again for the first time in about 25 years or so. There's something curious that happens when you're watching a kids' show that was popular when you were about 8, well after you've hit your thirties; you tend to catch things that completely went over your head when you were that little 8 year old kid. Oh, like, say, the extent of the flirting between 7-Zark-7 and Susan from Planet Pluto. And as you're watching, you find yourself wishing that it still went over your head. And because you get it now, and it hurts you, you feel the urge to lash out at the world. Or hurt the ones who hurt you back.

One robot was harmed in the making of this fan fic.

Insert standard disclaimer on how I own none of this, but Sandy Frank and Tatsunoko do here.

Warning: This story contains a lot of sexual innuendo. If this offends you, then stop reading now. I won't be mad if you don't read this. Yes, I am a sick little monkey and this stuff came from my head, but Zark and Susan started it. :P


Too Hot For Zark

Zark: Here, at Center Neptune, far beneath the ocean, it is my job to monitor the galaxy for any signs of trouble. And trouble usually means Zoltar, the evil ruler of Planet Spectra. My job is a lonely one. My only companionship is 1 Rover 1.

Rover: Nyap-nyap!

Zark: I don't know what you mean by that. Anyway, I monitor the heavens and when there's trouble, I call G-Force. G-Force is the only family I've ever known.

Rover: Nyap-nyap-nyap!

Zark: There are no attics in Center Neptune, Rover. And if there were, why would I live in it? I wouldn't be able to do my job. I'm so very proud of G-Force, all five of them. I'm even proud of Jason, although he is so hot-headed, stubborn, difficult to get along with, and not a good role model for America's children.

Rover: Nyap! Nyap!

Zark: Don't be silly, 1 Rover 1. They all love me, too. But if Jason should need my FOSDIC or my phase discriminator for car parts, I'll gladly donate them. All he has to do is ask. I love all of them so much. I keep a watchful eye on all of them, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I even pay special attention to Princess, the only female in the group, but I really don't know why.

Rover: Nyap!

Zark: Now you're just making up words, Rover. The word "pervert" isn't in my memory banks. [Looks up at his monitors] Oh good heavens! There's trouble! A giant three-toed space sloth is headed for Earth!

Rover: Nyap!

Zark: [giggles nervously] You're absolutely right, 1 Rover 1. It's not the first time I mistook a speck of dirt for a Spectran mech. I'll take care of that right now. [wipes the monitor noisily, leaving streaks behind.] There! That's much better. I should have known better than to make that mistake. Usually, Susan, out at the Early Warning Station on Planet Pluto, calls and let's me know when trouble is coming. Susan has such a lovely voice, doesn't she, 1 Rover 1?

Rover: Nyap-nyap!

Zark: You're right, 1 Rover 1. I bet Susan would make a lot of money letting people listen to her lovely voice.

[Beeping sounds are heard.]

Zark: Center Neptune Control. 7 Zark 7.

Susan: [in that very breathy voice of hers] This is Susan, out at the Early Warning Station on Planet Pluto.

Zark: [antennae pop up] Ah, Susan! I was just talking about you!

Susan: I know. My receptors are tingling. Do your receptors tingle, Zark?

Zark: [antennae pop up even more] Only when they're pinged within a certain frequency, Susan. Sometimes, I even blow my capacitors. Do you ever blow a capacitor or two?

[Male laughter can be heard in the background as Susan replies to Zark.]

Susan: Oh, I blow from time to time. But my repairman doesn't seem to mind. [More male laughter is heard in the background.]

Zark: Maybe I need a two week vacation at the Robot Health Spa on Venus. I swear on my integrated circuits that I hear laughing.

Rover: Nyap!

Zark: If you say so, 1 Rover 1. But I swear I heard laughing.

Susan: I didn't hear anything either, Zark. Maybe your FOSDIC needs some tuning.

Zark: Oh no, Susan. My FOSDIC has always been lightening fast, especially when I'm probing the galaxy. Nobody's licked my FOSDIC yet!

Susan: I could give it a try.

Zark's antennae pop up. In the background, over Susan's speaker, the same male voice is heard saying "Schwing!"

Zark: Oh no, Susan. I don't think you could lick my FOSDIC. My FOSDIC is Quanto Tobor's best and highest quality model, able to probe the galaxy longer and deeper than any other FOSDIC.

Susan: Why don't you ever use your FOS...DIC and probe in my direction?

Zark: [His antennae pop up yet again, followed by more laughing in the background, followed by a "shush"] I'm only programmed to use my FOSDIC for Intergalactic Federation purposes. I could never use it for personal pleasure.

Susan: Is there something you could put over your FOS...DIC so they wouldn't know that you were probing in my area?

Zark's antennae are now permanently straight, but now there's a slight buzzing noise coming from his chassis. In the background, over Susan's speaker, a male voice is heard saying, "Oh my God!", followed by his laughing and a female voice shushing him again.

Zark: Susan, is there something wrong?

Susan: No, Zark. Why do you ask?

Zark: Because I swear I can hear someone else. Do you think that maybe someone else is using this frequency?

Susan: No, Zark. It's my TV.

Zark: Oh, that's a relief! For a moment, I thought that maybe Spectra got access to this frequency and was listening in. I would hate to know that our private conversations were being listened to.

Susan: Sometimes it's a real turn on to know that someone might be watching you. I wish I could watch you when you use your FOS...DIC.

Not only is there a buzzing noise coming from Zark's chassis, but a few small sparks are seen shooting from Zark.

Zark: I wish you could watch me, too, Susan. My FOSDIC is always at attention.

More laughter can be heard in the background. By this point, Rover is sitting back, watching, and shaking his K-9 head.

Susan: That sounds just like my FOSNIPs. Those are at maximum extension all the time.

More sparks are shooting from Zark's chassis. In the background, over Susan's speaker, the male voice is heard laughing and saying the word "fosnips" over and over again. Then he says, "Is that the best you can do?" A female voice shushes him and replies, "It was off the top of my head."

Zark: FOSNIP? I've never heard of that equipment before.

Susan: Oh, it's standard equipment on all of Quanto Tobor's female model robots. They're rosy, extremely sensitive, and they come in a matching set.

At this point, a puff of smoke comes from Zark. Rover steps back a few feet. In the background over Susan's speaker, the male voice is heard spewing a carbonated beverage out of his mouth right before he starts laughing hysterically. The female voice shushes him again, but starts giggling a bit herself.

Zark: That sounds like...bzzt...a lovely pair...pair of equipment, Susan. Bzzt. Is there any...bzzt...other equipment I...I might familiar with?

Susan: Not really, Zark. Just the standard self-lubricating input/output ports. I always have my ten second oil break.

Zark: How...bzzt...convenient for you, Susan, not having...having to stop to lubricate...bzzt...yourself.

Susan: It's very convenient, Zark, although I don't mind lubricating myself now and then. I've got a specially designed lubricating rod I use for such purposes.

One of the antennae on Zark's head pops off completely. Rover ducks to avoid being hit by the flying part.

Susan: Would you like to lubricate me, Zark?

Zark: Next time...time I buzz you, Susan, I...bzzt...can try.

Susan: I really would like it if you buzz me and lubricate me, Zark. I've got some special lighter weight oil. It has a very high viscosity.

The other antenna goes flying off. Rover ducks again. In the background, the male voice is laughing hysterically. He tries to speak, but it only comes out in gasps. The female voice is trying not to laugh herself.

Susan: You know why I like that type of oil, Zark? It helps keep those hard to reach areas well greased. I just love the feeling of lubricated parts moving against each other. Sometimes, I even take a thirty second oil break, just to spend extra time with my special lubricating rod. Do you ever take extra time during your oil breaks to make sure your FOS...DIC is well lubed?

Smoke comes pouring out of Zark.

Zark: I..bzzt...bzzt...Sus...FOSNIP...bzzzzz...lubed...BOOM!

Pieces of Zark go flying around the room. Rover dives under Zark's bed for cover. Over the speaker, both the male and the female voices are screaming with laughter. Smoke fills the room.

After about twenty minutes, the smoke clears. Rover, after assessing the situation, comes out of his hiding place. He sniffs at the pile of scrap that used to be 7 Zark 7. Then he turns to Susan's speaker.

Rover: Nyap!


Meanwhile, in G-Force's Ready Room...

The monitor behind Tiny's chair shows a smoking pile of scrap metal and a small, yellow K-9 unit standing in front of a speaker. Princess and Jason are watching the ready room monitor.

"You're welcome, 1 Rover 1," Princess replies in Susan's breathy voice. Then she turns to Jason. "Ten minutes and thirty-five seconds, Jase. Pay up!" She holds out her hand.

"Okay," Jason replies, pulling out his wallet and going for some cash. "I have to say that this was the most gratifying fifty bucks I ever lost. Watching the Tin Can self-destruct was worth every penny." He hands Princess the money.

"This is the most gratifying fifty bucks I've ever earned. The perverted little tin can got what he deserved. The nerve of him, spying on me!"

"Center Neptune is a better place without him," Jason says. "And good riddance, too. I never liked that robot. Say, Princess..."

"Yes?" she replies as she pockets the money.

"How much money would it take for you to do the same thing to Mark?"

"More money than you'll ever have," she replies, punching him in the arm, playfully.

Princess looks around the Ready Room. "Why is there a picture of a burger on the wall?" Then she turns to Jason. "Don't you ever get sick of doing the same thing day after day in this room? I like music, but I'm sick of playing the guitar every time I come in here. What if I want to play the drums?"

"Tell me about it," Jason says. "Ping pong sucks."

"It's almost as if there's some unknown force out there that forces us to do the same things every single time we're in here," Princess says.

Jason and Princess are silent for a bit. Then Jason turns to Princess with a mischievous grin. "You know, we could always do some 'redecorating'."

Princess replies, wearing the same mischievous grin. "Yeah, Jason. I think the Ready Room is due for a 'remodeling' job."

Chapter End Notes:

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