Filk Jokes and Songs by Grumpy Ghost Owl
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Zoltar meets a shining example of yuppie scum.
Zoltar is lining up rank upon rank of androids for his next attempt at invading Earth.

He becomes aware of a noise and looks around to see a red BMW Z-series convertible heading toward him. He folds his arms and waits for the car to pull up.

A young guy in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, gets out of the car and says to Zoltar, "If I tell you exactly how many androids you have here, will you give me one?"

Zoltar sneers at the guy and says, "Be my guest. " The yuppie whips out his Dell notebook computer and connects it to his sattelite phone.

He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he cals up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot to say that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC, connects to an Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email to his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer then turns to Zoltar and says, "You have exactly one thousand, five hundred and eighty six androids."

"You are correct, my clever young friend," said Zoltar. "Choose one and take it."

Zoltar watches the young man select one of the androids, then he says, "Now it is my turn: if I can tell you exactly what business you are in, will you return that android to me?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and says,"Okay, why not?"

"You are a consultant," says Zoltar.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"I did not need to guess," says Zoltar. "You showed up here even though you were not called; you wish to be paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I did not ask; and you know nothing about androids. Now give me back the Luminous One."
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