Summary: Supersized Heartwarming Special. The continuing adventures of the sailor ninjas as they face their greatest enemy.
Categories: Gatchaman Characters: Berg Katse, Dr. Kozaburou Nambu, Jinpei, Joe Asakura, Jun, Ken Washio, Ryu Nakanishi, Sosai X
Genre: Humor/Comedy
Story Warnings: Nose-Cola Warning
Timeframe: Other
Universe: Alternate Universe
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 2174
Read: 2740
Published: 12/22/2007
Updated: 12/22/2007
Lovely Sailor Ninja Gatch 2.5: My Week With Z by Donna Gregory
[That dark and dreary macekverse again. Zoltarina stalks down a corridor, fuming, shoving green-suited youmagoons aside]
Zoltarina: Arrrgh! They defeated Monster 7. They defeated Monster 1. Think Z! That leering blue chicken is going to put you on permanent hiatus unless you think of something!!! [she starts pulling on the ears of her mask]
Goon 1: um.. Your Purpleness?
Zoltarina: Not now not now...thinkthinkthink...[starts pulling sheets of paper out of a filing cabinet.] There's gotta be *something* in here I can use..no..no..oh cripes, no...
Goon: Your Purpleness?
Zoltarina: AH-HAH! Eeeheeheehee! [she grins evilly at the paper] ohh, yes...
Goon: AHEM!
Zoltarina: WHAT?!?!
Goon: The chicken..uh..Soosai, wants to see you.
Zoltarina: oh. Great.
[the throne room of Lord X. The glowing blue chicken hovers before Zoltarina]
Zoltarina: You..ah..wanted to see me, X-sama?
Lord X: I am very disappointed, Zoltarina. Your productivity is way down. Why have we not yet defeated the Sailor Ninjas and taken over the minds of earth?
Zoltarina: Um, yeah, well, I have fantastic new roboyouma on the drawing board that I know will destroy those sailor ninjas once and for all. Yeppers, I'll get on it right away.
Lord X: Nope.
Zoltarina: Come again? Nope?
Lord X: Nope. I want you to handle this mission personally.
Zoltarina: PERSONALLY?? Butbutbut..I could get hurt! Break a nail...
Lord X: I want results by the end of the week, Zoltarina. Otherwise, you'd better get ready to be playing the tambourine in Josie and the Pussycats.
Zoltarina: EEP! Yessir, X-sama, I'm on my way! Hell, I'm there! Yeppers...
[stalking back down the hallway]
Zoltarina: You! Goon!
Goon 1: Yes, your purpleness?
Zoltarina: Start work on the new monsters and pack my bags: I'm off to the earth.
[the high school. It's Monday morning and kids are filing in. Zoltarina watches from behind a tree]
Zoltarina: Alrighty, then. Those rotten Sailor Ninjas are high school kids. I'll just infiltrate the school and my new creations will draw them out!! HAH! I just may be a genius after all!
Jun: Jinpei, shoo! You go to the Little Duck Elementary School, remember?
Jinpei: Awww, onechan..
Jun: Get lost, spud!
Ken: would you, um, like me to carry your bookbag, Jun?
Jun: God, no, Ken. Why would I?
Ken: never mind. I bet you'd let Berg carry your books.
Jun: Berg.
Joe: Come on, meatball head. I don't wanna end up in detention again because you made us late..
Ken: oh, like you can't end up there on your own, mister-I-set-the-dumpster-on-fire..
Joe: Dweeb. Last one in is a big loser!
Ryu: That'd be you [Ken, Joe and Ryu race off]
Jun: Boys. They are such little boys.
[From behind the tree, out pops a pretty blond girl in a school uniform, with an obvious "z" pendant]
Zea: OHAYO!!
Jun: Ack!
Zea: So sorry to scare you! I'm Zea Katz, a sophomore and, well, lost!
Jun: Oh, ah, I'm Jun Shiratori. I'm a sophomore too. I'll show you around!
Zea: Great! {Ah-hah! Shiratori, eh? She could be Sailor Swan! Five minutes and already..! I AM a genius!!}
[they wander in after the late bell and promptly get detention. Later that day, in detention..]
Zea: Gosh, Jun. I'm sooo sorry I made you late..
Jun: It's okay. Oh, I see you guys got detention anyway..This is Zea. She's new.
Ryu: [looking glassy eyed] Hi, Zea. You're pretty as a doughnut. I'm Ryu.
Zea: uhhh..
Ken: Hmph. It's all Joe's fault. If *he* hadn't dumped chow mein on my head at lunch.. [he brightens] Hi, Zea! I'm Ken.
Joe: It's your fault for being such a whiner..
Zea [hearts popping up around her] oohhh!
Jun: um, Zea? You okay?
Zea: Who is that?
Jun: [looking around] Who?
Zea: Him! He's...He's...Drrreammyy!
Jun: uh, Joe? You're talking about...Joe?
Zea: *Joe*
Joe: uh, Hi?
[after school, they head for the ice cream shop. Zea follows behind Joe, hearts streaming out behind her. Berg is setting some flowers outside the shop]
Joe: um, Zea? Could you..maybe..stop staring at me like that?
Zea: Like what, *Joe*?
Joe: Like I'm a side of sirloin?
Jun: OOOooohhhh!! Look!! There's Berg!! Hiiiiiii Berg!!!
Joe: ohno. Berg. Uh..
Ken: Yippee. It's Berg. "ohh Berrrrrgggg!!"
Jun: Grrrrrr! Shut up, *Ken.*
[Ryu and Jinpei stare at eachother and shrug, while Zea peeks around Joe]
Zea: {Omigod. *He's* here. SHIT!} uh, gotta go! Bye! [takes off]
Joe: Zea?
Jinpei: Well, I'm glad she's gone. Girls are gross, eh, aniki?
Joe: [scratching his head] well, maybe not gross...a little scary, maybe...but definetly *not* gross..
Berg: Hi guys! Long time, no see! J..urk!
Jun: Hiiiiiii Bergg!! [grabs his arm, hearts everywhere]
[down the street, Zea is walking away]
Zea: Damnit!! What is *he* doing here? I thought Lord X had gotten *rid* of him....
Goon 1: Boo.
Zea: EEEYAAAGH! Don't!Do!That! [she grabs the goon by the neck and starts to bobble his head back and forth]
Goon: URK!
Zea: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?
Goon: urk..yer..urk..monsturk..ish done..urk...
[she lets go]
Zea: Excellent. I do believe I've discovered Sailor Swan. I haven't found the others yet, though. I must do more...research ...yeah...
Goon: what about the Smur...urk!
Zea: Shhhh!!! Don't say their names!! Prepare them to move on my orders, not before...
Goon: urk.
[Tuesday. The boy's locker room. More specifically - the showers]
Ken: You didn't have to hit me so hard with the ball, y'know..
Joe: Whine, whine, whine...
Zea: OHAYO!! [there is the bright flash from a camera]
Joe: AAAAAAIIIIIGGHH! Get Out!! Get OUT!!
[Wednesday: auto shop]
Instructor Racer: Alright you slackers, open up the hoods of your cars. Today we're working on the carburetors.
[Joe opens up the hood and leans in]
Zea: OHAYO!
Joe: (CLANG! WHACK!) OWWWFUCK!! Get OUT!!!
[Thursday. Lunch.]
Ryu: Oh, man. Who let Nambu make the lunches, again?
Jun: well, it *was* Jinpei's turn...
Joe: Goddammit! Suet and birdseed sushi rolls?
Ryu: I guess we should be glad it's not popcorn and stale bread again....
Ken: Suddenly, I'm not that hungry.
Zea: HELLO!!
Joe: Ack!
Zea: Brought you lu-u-unch!!
[Ryu starts to drool]
Joe: um. Thanks.
Zea: oh, look at the time. Gotta go!
Ryu: you're not gonna eat all that by yourself, are you, Joe?
[ Zea pops into the ladies room and is checking her hair when the Goon pops his head out of a stall.]
Zea: AHHH!!! }WHACK{ Don't do that!!
Goon: By Dose! Yew boke by dose!
Zea: Oh, for Soosai's sake... it's not broken, you big baby! What do do want, anyway?
Goon: Lawd X wants to know how youw wesearch is gowing..youw puhpleness.. He sez he's got youw tambowine weady...
Zea: Urgh...Fine. It's none of your business..
Goon: Hawe yew gowt some notes?
Zea: Cripes! Here! Geez...
Goon: Who's Jow?
Zea: Jow? What..
Goon: Wid alla th' witte hahts ..
Zea: Gimme that back you green moron!! Do *you* want to be the roboyouma's first victim???
Goon: uh, no.
Zea: Right, then. Now you tell Lord X that I believe this girl Jun is Sailor Swan. If she's in danger, I'm certain the other Sailor Ninja geeks'll come running...
Goon: Sow I can actifate th' smur..mmmmfff!!
Zea: Shhhh!! Yes. Just..just don't say it, okay?
Goon: mmmfff!
[She intercepts the gang leaving school]
Zea: Hi guys! Hi *Joe*!
Jun: Oh, Hi, Zea..
Joe: umm..hi?
Zea: Jun! You gotta come with me! I have to show you something soooooo coool!! It's like.. this dress..
Jun: um, okay...
[Zea leads Jun off]
Ryu: Man. I just don't get girls...
Joe: Bathing might help with that problem.
[further away]
Jun: Zea? I don't think this is the way to the mall...
Zea: How right you are.. Goon!!
Jun: huh?
[Ken, Joe and Ryu are still standing around, when Jinpei comes up, followed by the pigeons]
Ken: Ah, there's someone we all want to talk to..
Joe: C'mere ya little rodent.
Jinpei: Guys! Guys! Come on, now..
Ryu: What's the big idea about lunch...
Nambu: There was something wrong with lunch?
Joe: Suet and Birdseed!! That's fucking bird food!!!
Nambu: And? Listen, we don't have time to hear you three whine about lunch. The macekverse is on the move again. Impulse and I have sensed a great disturbance in the force...
Ryu: huh?
Nambu: Never mind! You must transform..uh..where's Jun?
Ken: Oh, she went off with the new girl at school, Zea. She'll be okay.
Joe: maybe the macekverse is just..passing through...
Ken: what, are you afraid?
Joe: *no*, I'm not *afraid*..I just don'twannaputtheskirtonagain..
Ken: I can't heeeaaarr you! Eagle Power Transvestite Transformation!!
Ryu: Horned Owl Power Transvestite Transformation!!
Jinpei: Swallow Power Transvestite Transformation!!
Joe: Oh, come on!! Don't make me beg..
Nambu: SHUT UP AND TRANSFORM!!
Joe: @#$%*~@! Condor Power Transvestite Transformation Godamnit Already!!
[when the transformation is complete, our Sailor Ninjas hear a piercing shriek]
Eagle: Omigod.. That sounded like Jun...
Swallow: Yeah. She sounded like that when I put the worms in her bed..
Nambu: Will you four get going???
[They run up to find Jun tied to a tree]
Eagle: Jun!! Are you okay??
Jun: mrrrfff! MFFF!! MFFF!!
Eagle: What? I..I don't understand..
Condor: Oh, for God's sake, Sailor Eagle. You are such a ninny.. Take the gag off!
Eagle: Oh. Yeah. Right.
Jun: It was horrible.. There were these little blue things..
Condor: What? Hey, where's Zea?
Jun: I dunno...
Owl: What little blue things?
[There is a rustling in the shrubbery and a piping little song rings out:
LaLa LaLaLaLa La LaLa La LAAAA!!
Condor: What the hell is that?
Eagle: It almost sounds like.. No, it..it couldn't be...
Jun: Oh, shit. Swan Power Transformation!!!
Owl: I see something blue...
Eagle: Just stay quiet and still. Maybe they won't notice us...
Swallow: HEY! THESE THINGS LOOK LIKE SMURFS!
Everyone Else: EEEAIIIGH!
[a horde, a swarm, a vertible blue tide in tiny galactor-style goon suits sweeps out from the bushes, singing in tiny little voices that sound for all the world like nails on a chalkboard]
Condor: Noooo!! I haaaaaate Smurfs!!!
[the smurfulions swarm around the Sailor Ninjas]
Smurfs: OOOOOO! Pretty Girls!! Heeeyy Baybee!! {SMOOCH}
Swallow: urgh. Please..make them stop..
Smurf: Ooh! Baby! Nice Boots!!
[a couple of them attach themselves to Sailor Condor's legs]
Condor: Criiiiiipess!!! Geddemoffame!!!
Smurf (another one): Wanna come back to my mushroom, sexy?
Swan: Agghh!! Get off, you little bastard!!
Eagle: Right. That's it. Eagle Scepter Monster Blast Magic! [nothing happens] NANI?!?!?!?
Nambu: They're...they're too...CUTE!! The scepter won't work!!
[From up in a tree is a maniacial giggle]
Zoltarina: Eeeheeheehee!! Right you are, birdbrain!! They're terminally Kawai!!! You Sailor Dorks are finished!!
Eagle: Oh, shit.
Smurf (yet another): Sexy Momma!!
Eagle: Die! (THWACK) Die! (WHAP!) Die! (SCHPLAT!) Huh, the scepter DOES work after all...
Smurf (you get the idea) Ooh! I like my women..meaty!!
Owl: Get Away!! (STOMP! STOMP) Oh, gross. This is never gonna come out...
Swallow: I..I can't take it..They're making..uck..me sick to my stomach...
[just then, a tulip streaks out of the trees, impaling a smurf]
Eagle: Purple Tuxedo!! [hearts spring up in her eyes]
Zoltarina: Oh, for crying out loud...
Tuxedo: Have no fear, Ninjas! I am immune to these sickeningly kawai little perverts!!
[He leaps from the tree. As he lands, a grating little female voice, sort of like a poodle being goosed, pipes up]
Smurfette: You are jes' the cutest little thang..
Tuxedo: AAAAAIIIIIGGGGHHHH!!!
Condor: GEDDEMOFFAME!!!! I CAN'T STAND THESE FUCKING SMURFS!!!!!! I.. I..
Swan: Oh, no...Sailor Eagle? I think...
Eagle: Oh SHIT! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
[There is a rather large explosion, flattening the surrounding trees. When the smoke clears, the Sailor ninjas, Purple tuxedo, Zoltarina, and the Goon are laying on the ground, looking dazed and a little burnt around the edges. The once wooded area is littered with smoking smurf remains. In the center of this carnage is Sailor Condor]
Condor: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That'll show you..ya little bastards... THUD!
[Friday morning: on the way to school]
Joe: I can't believe you let those macekverse creeps get away..
Ken: Well, *Gee*, Joe..maybe if *someone* hadn't turned into a big baby and tried to barbeque everyone..
Jun: guys...
Joe: BAH! You're just jealous because *I* stopped the little fuckers.
Ken: yeah, then your sorry ass passed out on us..
Jun: Guys?
Joe: Whine, whine, whine..
Jun: GUYS!
Ryu: Well, *I* was listening to you, Jun..
Joe: what?
Jun: Do you guys think Zea had anything to do with those smur..
Ken: Don't say it..
Joe: I certainly don't think she did..
Jinpei: I never liked her anyway, always drooling over Joe..
Jun: What is the matter with you? She lured me into the woods and those things..
Zea: OHAYO!!
Jun: Aiii! Zea! Why, how...nice to see you!! Yeah..
Zea: I'm sooo glad I found you guys! I'm, uh, moving again, so I guess this is uhh..
Joe: You're..leaving?
[Zea gives him a bone-crushing hug and a kiss, waves to the others and runs off, dropping her notebook]
Joe: [looking down at the little hearts all over the notebook] She really did like me..
Ken: Awwww! Joe's gotta girlfriend..
Joe: Shut up, man..
Ken: Joey's gotta a girlfweind...
Joe: Awright, *That's* it...
Jun: guys..
[The macekverse: Zoltarina is laying on a couch, staring at a photo]
Goon: your purpleness?
Zoltarina (siiiighh) Y-e-e-s?
Goon: Lord X said he's not going to send you down to Josie and the Pussycats.. yet..
Zoltarina: (siiighhh) that's nice....isn't life great? [she kisses the picture]
Goon: Your purpleness? Are you..feeling alright?
(Fini)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.